Episode Nine
Notes: F-W-a-G ep. #5. Beware the sexual innuendoes in this thing! ^_^ I couldn't stop 'em! Before I forget, thanks to Kotori for a couple of these questions and to Elizabeth for the idea (and most of the lines) used as the first commercial.
Cale: She just goes by one name?
Sage: So do you, stupid.
Cale: Not anymore! My last name is Smith, remember?
Sage: .....
Cale: Anyway, it's like a Madonna thing, isn't it, using just one name?
Sage: What, for her or you? C'mon... vogue for me, Cale! Strike a pose, baby.
Kayura: Let's go, guys! Sage, get off the set!
[The lights are brought up half-way and then get stuck. We hear lots o' pounding and cursing from brainy guy until the lights become un-stuck, after which they are brought the rest of the way up. On the orange couch, we see the host, blond guy, and the co-host.]
Kayura: (off camera) SAGE! Get OFF!
Sage: (hand to breast, eyes wide in mock shock) In public?!
Kayura: (off camera, furious) SAAAAAAGGGEEE!!
Sage: (slinking off set) I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
[Focus on host.]
Kento: (smirking) Welcome to "Guy Talk." I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (also smirking) And I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Kento: Today we have yet another guest!
Cale: Shocking for a talk show, in'nt?
Kento: (blanks momentarily then comes back) Anyway, shall we bring her out?
Cale: Indeed we shall! Please welcome to "Guy Talk" your friend and not ours, Raven!
Mia: (off camera) Cale! Be good!
Cale: (off camera) I can't. I am a bad guy, remember? At least for most of the series.
[Host and co-host stand to greet guest.]
Raven: (skitters across set, gives quick hug to startled co-host and nods to host, then plops onto center cushion of couch) Hey, guys!
Kento: (seated) Did Yuli leave the sugar in your dressing room?
Raven: Does it show?
Cale: (eyeing guest warily, stands in front of couch) It's time we get started.
Kento: Yes, it is. So, Raven... what first got you into the show? Ronin Warriors, that is.
Raven: That one guy in that one episode that's just walking down the street. That guy got me into the show.
Kento: (blink)
Raven: (grins) Just kidding. Seriously, the Warlords... Heh. Mommy, they followed me home. Can I keep them?
Cale: (starts to inch off the set, is pushed back and onto the couch by psycho chick, sighs) Who is your favorite character and why?
Raven: (with no time wasted on thought) Sekhmet. Why? His hair. I love his hair!! Green is gorgeous!!
Sekhmet: (off camera, grins happily)
Raven: (continues) His eyes. They aren't really black. Most of the time they're purple. Purple!! That is sooooooooo wicked.
Sekhmet: (off camera, happy bounces around room)
Raven: He is powerful. Come on, how many people do you know that could handle the Armor of Venom. Six swords. Six swords!! Not flame-boy's wimpy two, but six!!
Sekhmet: (off camera, smugly to frowning fire guy) Yeah!
Raven: Most of all, his voice. Oh my stars!! His voice has got to be the sexiest thing I ever heard.
Sekhmet: (off camera, blushes and shyly digs at floor with toe)
Sage: (off camera) Great. She's gonna give him an ego.
Rowen: (off camera, snickers) You're saying that like you don't have one.
Sage: (off camera, annoyed at brainy guy) Shut up.
Raven: (ignoring side comments) He isn't crazy, either. He just enjoys his work. A lot. Besides, sanity can be so boring anyway. (winks)
Sekhmet: (off camera) Yeah. That's right!
Raven: He would look soooooooo gorgeous in a grey tux... sans coat, sans vest, sans... I better stop there.
Sekhmet: (off camera, grinning) Finally. Someone going wacko over me!
Sage: (off camera) Don't hold your breath, Snakey. It won't last.
Mia: (off camera, thwaps blond guy upside head) Be nice!
Cale: So, Raven, given free choice, which of the nine armors would take as your own?
Raven: (looks at co-host as if he'd stupid) You ask this after my big spiel on Sekhmet? (co-host nods, guest raises one brow in wonder) The Armor of Venom!! Duh!
Kento: Of all the YST/Ronin fanfic you've read, who's your favorite original character and why?
Raven: Eek. That's a tough one. I don't want to insult anyone.
Ryo: (off camera, grumbling) Too late.
Raven: Hmmmm... Ryoko Sanada. She's been through a lot and is still tough as nails. I relate to her. She has honor, courage, and can handle responsibility. Besides, she has great taste in men...
Sekhmet: (off camera, looking wounded) I thought she liked me!
Sage: (off camera, smug) Told you it wouldn't last.
Ryo: (off camera) Ha! She actually likes a Sanada!
Bob: (off camera) Maybe... but it's still not you. (smirks as fire guy glares at him)
Anubis: (slips onto set, hands guest end of rope) Would you hold this, please?
Raven: No problem!! Heh heh, now if it was only tied around Sekhmet...
Sekhmet: (off camera, happy again, sticks out tongue at blond guy)
Sage: (off camera) I still say it won't last.
Cale: (blinks, looks to director then camera) We'll be right back, everybody.
[Fade to commercial.]
Ryo: (off camera, fixing cushions around guest) Now, if I just put this right over here...
Raven: (off camera) Shouldn't you and Sage be spending your "quality time" together right now?
Ryo: (off camera) Remember who's writing this thing. Sage spends his "quality time" with Rowen, as far as she's concerned.
Raven: (off camera) Oh. So, do you still have that thing for Talpa?
{We see two guys standing in a market, in front of a potato chip display.}
Kento: Wow! Look at all these potato chips! Makes ya wonder how many poor, defenseless potatoes were killed just so I could eat 'em.
Ryo: Betcha ya can't eat just one!
Kento: (grinning) I can do that.
Ryo: (lifts an eyebrow) You want to wager on that?
Kento: (grins wider) You're on. I got five bucks.
Ryo: Suits me fine.
{Host is given a big bag of Lays potato chips. He opens it up and downs the contents quickly.}
Ryo: (laughing) Ha, easiest five bucks I ever made.
Kento: (confused) What are you talking about? I only ate one bag.
{Blond guy wanders onto set, hefts frying pan.}
Sage: (thoughtful for a moment) Nah. (leaves set)
[Fade back to show.]
Dais: (stalks onto set from dressing room area, accusingly to guest) What did you do with my hair bleach?
Raven: (succinctly) I fed it to Yuli. You don't need it. You're way too sexy in natural colors.
Dais: (smiles and blushes a little)
Raven: (continues) Although not as sexy as Sekhmet...
Dais: (frowns, sticks out tongue and leaves set)
Kento: Hm... you might wanna be careful what you say to him. Remember, Dais holds a lot of clout with "the Boss."
Cale: (nodding) Yeah. She does tend to favor him. Well, him and Rowen, that is. Uh... (thinks quickly) If you had to replace one of us with a character from another anime or manga, who would you replace and with whom?
Raven: (instantly) Ryo with Hiei.
Ryo: (off camera, big sloppy raspberry directed at guest)
Mia: (off camera) Stop acting like a spoiled brat, Ryo!
Cale: (smirking) And why is this?
Raven: A fire Demon is much more suited to the armor. Besides, then Kurama would have to come along and they could have a well-deserved vacation together. And Ryo is just a whiny little runt, anyway.
Ryo: (off camera) HEY!!
Everyone: (snickering)
Raven: (continues babbling) Then, I would let Sekhmet kill off Yuli. And who wants to replace him?
Yuli: (off camera, whining) Mia! She said-
Mia: (off camera) I know, Yuli. I know.
Rowen: (off camera, grinning... feeling silly) Hey, Raven! With the sure knowledge that the sky is blue and grass is green, what color is the inside of a potato on a dark night in the middle of winter?
Raven: (blink, blink, blink) What the hell are you on, Rowen? Go ask Kit. I'm certain she would love to help you find out.
Rowen: (off camera, wide eyed) Eep... don't say that name. Please?
Kento: Raven, given the choice of listening to one song over and over for the rest of your life or being haunted forever by an eternally youthful Yuli, which would you take and why?
Raven: Yuli. They make exorcists for a reason.
Yuli: (off camera, whining) Miiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa!
Mia: (off camera, whaps brat) Be quiet.
Raven: Heh heh. Heck, I'd just need to borrow the Jewel of Life. Look what it did to Talpa - and he was only a demon... god... whatever. Think of what it would do to something as horrifying as the brat.
Cale: That could be scary. (face suddenly spasms in pain, grits out between clenched teeth to guest) Would it be possible to get you off of my foot, please?
Raven: Eek!! (pulls foot way up) Sorry about that. I meant it for Kento.
Kento: (clears throat, ignores comment not-so-gracefully)
Rowen: (off camera, still grinning and feeling silly) Hey, Raven! If you had to be an insect, what kind of insect would you be and why?
Raven: Rowen, what did I say about bugging me?
Rowen: (off camera, snickers) Ha! What a play on words!
Raven: Rowen, go ask Kit... and wear those leather pants. Better yet, just the boxers.
Rowen: (off camera) Could you please not say that name?
Kento: So... which of us would you most like to see as the host of a children's program and why?
Raven: Cye. He is patient, gentle, kind, and can put up with the most annoying creatures. (pointed stare encompassing brat, fire guy, and host) No... actually you, Kento.
Kento: (intrigued) Really?
Raven: Preferably a violent show - for the host, anyway. Anyone here seen UHF?
Anubis: (off camera) You mean that Weird Al movie from a few years ago?
Raven: Yeah, that's it. Remember the kiddy show in that?
Kento: (snarling) We'll be back after this message. (glares at director until he gets his way)
[Fade to commercial.]
Raven: (off camera) So, Sekh... do you like your strawberries with or without whipped cream?
Sekhmet: (off camera, grins and blushes happily) I can hardly believe it's my turn!
{We see three guys sitting at desks in an otherwise empty schoolroom, obviously staying late to study.}
Rowen: (fiddling with pages of school book, gnawing absently on a pencil) Welp... here we go again.
Ryo: I betcha someone gets whacked in this one.
Rowen: (pulls out script and flips through it, mutters) So, what stupid thing am I supposed to ask now?
Cye: (stands, walks to peer over brainy guy's shoulder) Oh no... I ask the stupid thing this time... Do I have to?
Ryo: You'd better. Don't want to get on the director's bad side.
Cye: No... that wouldn't be a good thing, would it? (prepares self) Guys, what are...
{Blond guy steps onto the set, grinning and twirling his frying pan}
Rowen: You can do it, Cye.
Cye: What are the... (falters as blond guy continues to eye him) I'm sorry! I can't do it! I just can't!! (slumps over desk and hides head under his arms)
Ryo: (pats fish guy on the back) It's all right, Cye. I'll do it. (stands tall, challenges blond guy with a proud stare) Guys, what are the two sentences... (takes deep, steadying breath) ...Kento most dislikes hearing?
Sage: (grinning) Say it, Ryo. Get it over with now. Spare yourself the wait. Go right for the pain. You know you want to.
Ryo: (gulps)
Rowen: (sighs in relief, glad it's not him getting the whacking) I don't know, Ryo. What are they?
Ryo: (stalls for a moment) ...They're "Sorry, Kento. You missed dinner and there's nothing left".
{Suddenly, the host barrels onto the set, snags blond guy's pan and whaps fire guy several times in quick succession. Hands pan back to blond guy as fire guy slips to the floor unconscious.}
Kento: (to blond guy) Thank you. (to KO'd fire guy) You don't ever, ever, ever say that in my presence, Ryo. You know better.
[Fade back to show.]
Raven: (whispering to psycho chick and Mia) I still think Sage and RuPaul share way too many notes.
Mia: (holds out photo for guest to see, whispers) Check this out.
Raven: (loud) What the hell?! He looks better in a dress than I do?!
Sage: (off camera) Mia! You told me you burned that picture!
Mia: I did. I never said anything about the negative, though!
[Mia and psycho chick giggle their way off the set as blond guy stands, arms crossed and toe tapping the floor irritably, fuming.]
Rowen: (off camera, feeling silly again) Hey, Raven! If you were a tree, what kind would you be and is there any specific reason for this?
Raven: Arggghhh! Kit, will you please get in here and do something with him!! Preferably offstage!!
Kit: (runs onto set, grins, salutes) Aye aye, Cap'n!
[Brainy guy freaks and runs for the studio doors, Kit right behind him as fast as she can get. Guest yanks back on rope she's still holding and brainy guy trips...falling flat on his face, Kit landing on top of him.]
Raven: (cheers while bouncing on couch) Way to go, Kit!
Cale: (saunters back onto set from the dressing room area, where he fixed his hair and dressed in a spiffy-looking clubbing outfit)
Raven: (wolf-whistles) No wonder Unacera staked a claim on him...
Cale: (looking around studio) Where's Ro? I thought he was going with us, Sage.
Sage: (off camera) Ask Kit. (points to where brainy guy and Kit still lay in a pile of flailing limbs)
Cale: (raises brows, sits on couch, looks at guest, turns away) Where did all the pretty girls go?
Raven: (not thinking) I don't know, but we weren't allowed near you. Unacera has staked a personal claim. "Touch the demon and die." Don't worry, though. She said something about a surprise in your dressing room later. Just remember to bring whipped cream. (pauses, considers question again and co-host's accompanying actions) Hey! Are you saying I'm not pretty??
Cale: (looks away and whistles innocently)
Raven: SEKHMET!!
Kento: Uh, I think we'll end here...
Sage: (slips onto couch beside guest, waggles eyebrows) Would you go out with me?
Raven: (still angry) Drop dead, you Cutey Honey look-alike.
Kento: See you all next time! (to director) Cut! Run the credits, quick!
[Run end credits and theme as snake guy pounces co-host, then fade.]
Sage: Cutey Honey look-alike?! I should hurt you.
Raven: Sekh, when you're done with Cale, take out blondie here, please.
Sekhmet: (pauses in clobbering co-host) Sure!