Episode Ten
Note: Is anyone else noticing how informative these guest appearances are about the personalities of people? Wild, in'nt? Anyhoo, F-W-a-G episode # 5 has arrived.
Mia: Is there anything special you need to do the show?
Guest: Oh, just a pencil.
Mia: (gives guest funny look)
Guest: (smiles) Insurance.
Mia: (nods, not quite understanding, reaches into shirt pocket) Here you go.
Guest: Thank you.
[The lights are brought up slowly... then brainy guy sneezes. His hand spasms, drags lights off completely, then shoots the lights back up fully.]
Rowen: (off camera, sniffs) Sorry.
[We see on the couch the host and co-host. Focus on host.]
Kento: Hello everyone, and welcome to "Guy Talk". I'm your host-
Rowen: (off camera, sneezes again) Sorry...
Kento: (blinks) I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: And I, as if you didn't already know, am your co-host, Cale Smith.
Rowen: (off camera) Ah... ah...
Sage: (off camera, puts finger under brainy guy's nose)
Rowen: (off camera, sneezes anyway) ...ow... that one hurt...
Sage: (off camera, pulls snot covered finger away from brainy guy's nose) GROSS!! (wanders off to clean hand)
Kento: (sighs) It's gonna be onna those days, isn't it?
Cale: (nods, slow blink)
Kento: Let's bring out our guest and get started.
Cale: Let's.
Rowen: (off camera) Woah! A whole bag of mini chocolate bars! Hm... no name on them... unopened... They're mine now! (pulls bag open and begins munching happily, occasionally sneezing)
Kento: (frowning at brainy guy) Where's our guest?
Cale: Uh... there she is.
Guest: (sits on couch) Hey, everybody! I'll just introduce myself. I am Elizabeth Chapman, also known as Sailor Spoon.
Kento: (snicker) Sailor Spoon?
Elizabeth: Yes. People usually laugh and then... oh... unexpectedly tend to die. (pauses as host blanches) That's just my enemies, though, but I don't have any at this point.
Kento: Okay... let's start with the usual first question, then. What first got you into the show? Ronin Warriors, I mean.
Rowen: (off camera) ...mmmm... chocolate... (sneezes)
Elizabeth: One summer morning I woke up and channel surfed on TV when, suddenly, I saw samurai on the screen (coughs) and a certain blond character. I had just gotten into my Japanese culture kick and was hooked immediately.
Cale: (glad blond guy is elsewhere so guest doesn't feed his ego) Who's your favorite character? ...as if I couldn't guess.
Elizabeth: (fidgets) Well, um... (coughs and mumbles) I kinda like Sahmph.
Kento: What was that?
Elizabeth: I said (coughs and mumbles a little louder) Saymph.
Kento: Who? (cups hand around ear and leans in closer to guest) What did you say?
Elizabeth: (as blond guy returns) I SAID SAGE, YOU MORON! (pauses, blinks) Oops. Sorry about that. You're probably only a slow learner. (mumbles) Minus two on a scale of one to ten.
Kento: (blinks and rubs at ear)
Cale: (sighs as blond guy stands off camera grinning) And why do you like him?
Elizabeth: What's not to love? (enters dreamy state) That shock of golden hair that graces his brow? His pale cream skin? The violet pools of his eyes beckoning me to lose myself in their depths? (sighs happily and comes back to real world) I digress. Anything else?
Sage: (off camera, smugly) Mia, what's the score?
Mia: (off camera, reading from dry-erase board) Rowen - one, Anubis - one, Cale - one, Sekhmet - one, Sage - two, everyone else - zip.
Sage: (off camera) That's what I thought. (slips onto stage, squeezes between guest and co-host) Would you like it if I were a teddy bear?
Elizabeth: Oh god, would I ever! ...um... (glances sideways) Um... I mean, teddy bears are nice. Yes, that's what I meant to say.
Sage: (smirking, ignores glares of host and co-host) Would you go out with me?
Elizabeth: Well, okay... (looks coy) ...as long as you're a gentleman. Wait a second! You'd have to be considering that I'm a fanfic author. (looks at pencil in hand) There's that WPP thing protecting me. (grins and laughs evilly) Oh, what a power trip! (shudders in pleasure)
Sage: (gulps, leaves stage wide-eyed in beginning stage of panic)
Cale: (changes subject quickly) If you were a natural weather phenomenon, what would you be and why?
Elizabeth: (thoughtfully) I'd probably be fog because I'm normally very quiet. I have a light touch and step and tend to scare people because I unintentionally creep up on them. **
Kento: Ah... interesting. Reminds me of someone... but I just can't quite put my finger on a name. Anyway, if you had to choose a song that you thought best suited your favorite character, what song would you choose?
Elizabeth: "Angel Eyes" by Ace of Base for Sage. Why? C'mon, figure it out. (hums tune to self)
Kento: Well, ain't that sweet? And what about a song for you least favorite character?
Elizabeth: Hm... that would be Yuli. There's this song at the end of Sherri Lewis' Lambchop show... (sings) This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was...and they'll continue singing it forever just because. This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my--
Cale: (pleading) Okay, okay! We get the idea!
Elizabeth: (clears throat) Sorry.
Cale: S'okay.
Elizabeth: The reason I pick that song for Yuli is because both of them are so damn annoying. (snaps pencil in half) Oops.
Kento: Uh... (looks at director) Can we? Please?
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see a guy and a chick sitting in a park. The guy has in his hands a huge, almost empty bag of mini chocolate bars.}
Rowen: (mouth stuffed full of chocolate) Are you sure you don't want one? (eyes wide) They're REALLY good.
Elizabeth: (watches in amazement as brainy guy stuffs another piece of chocolate into his near-bursting mouth) ...no... thanks anyway.
Rowen: Hey, do you know the difference between male and female chocolate? (fidgets a lot... can't seem to sit still)
Elizabeth: (looks brainy guy over and raises eyebrow) No, I don't know... and I'm not sure I want to know.
Rowen: (pouts and gives guest really big, sad, watery, puppy eyes)
Elizabeth: (sighs, gives in) Fine. Tell me. I know if I don't ask I'll wonder about it for the rest of my life.
Ryo: (off camera) You ready, Sage?
Sage: (off camera, hefts frying pan) Oh yeah! If this is stupid, Blueboy's goin' to Lala-land.
Rowen: (grins) The difference is female chocolate doesn't have nuts. (falls over in hysterical giggle fit)
Sage: (off camera, snickering) He... hee hee hee... He just saved himself... (collapses to studio floor, laughing)
[Fade back to show. Everyone (except brat) is in fits of laughter.]
Kento: (recovering self slowly) Eheh... eheh... heh... heh... okay... Welcome back... oh, that was a good one...
Yuli: (off camera, to guest) What is your favorite type of animal?
Elizabeth: (blinks at brat) I have a passion for big, black jaguars. They're sleek, powerful, and swift. (pauses, then mutters) And big enough to eat annoying little boys.
Yuli: (off camera) Miiiiiiiaaaaaaaa!
Mia: (off camera, to fire guy) I really wish he'd stop thinking I was going to do anything about stuff like that.
Ryo: (off camera, smirk)
Kento: Anyway, uh, is there anything about yourself that you think the world should know?
Elizabeth: (thinks) Just keep in mind two sayings: Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn and (smiles demonic smile) nobody suspects the butterfly.
Ryo: (runs on stage quickly) Is that your bag Sage and Dais are going through over there? (points to dark area backstage)
Elizabeth: (squints) Oh my god! That is my bag! (jumps to feet) Wait! I don't keep anything of value in my bag except... OH DAMN! MY DIARY! (frowns and pulls notepad out of pocket, grabs up sharpened half of broken pencil) This notepad is what I use when inspiration hits, but it's insurance today.
[Backstage, blond guy and spider guy are seen flipping through a blue book.]
Dais: (off camera) Holy chronic depression, Hair Boy! (point at a passage in book)
Elizabeth: (scribbling madly in notepad) Nobody goes through my diary.
[Suddenly, there's a puff of smoke. When it clears, sitting on the floor where blond guy and spider guy were standing is a white teddy bear with a shock of blond hair and white tarantula. The book drops to the floor. Guest walks over calmly, picks up teddy bear and tarantula, then carries them back to the couch. Guest sits, plops teddy bear and tarantula beside her, and grins.]
Everyone: (long, nervous silence)
Bob: (off camera, finally brave enough to speak) Did you really need to do that?
Elizabeth: Damn straight, I did. Nobody goes through my stuff. Not even my favorite character. (ruffles inanimate teddy bear's hair) Oh, I have a question for you, Bob.
Bob: (off camera, shrugs) Ask.
Elizabeth: Okay, you're about... what?... a thousand years old or something? You could have a really cool ancient name. Why Bob?
Bob: (off camera) Well, you have to consider this. How common was Bob as a name when I was born? So, at the time... it was a really cool name.
Elizabeth: (blinks) Oooooooookay. I guess that made sense.
Sekhmet: (off camera) If you were to go on a crime spree with any one of us, who would your partner be and why?
Elizabeth: I wouldn't normally go on a crime spree, but if I had to... I'd choose Cale. He's got darkness powers so we could see lasers and stuff. The camera and night watchmen wouldn't be able to see us, either.
Cale: (smugly) Yes, I would make a pretty dandy thief, wouldn't I?
Kento: (giving co-host look of 'whatever') We'll be right back after this short break.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see three guys and one chick in a stylish living room. One guy takes piece of candy from rather ornate chalice sort of thing.}
Rowen: (pops piece of candy in mouth)
Cye: Don't you think you've had quite enough sugar for one day?
Rowen: Nah. (leans down to inspect candy dish) Say... isn't this that Sacred Chalice of Light that Sailor Spoon is supposed to be the Guardian of?
Cye: (looks) I do believe you're right.
{Brainy guy and fish guy snicker and giggle.}
Rowen: She's using it as a candy dish!
Cye: Oh, how funny!
Kento: (sidles up to guest) So, what are you doing in this kinda place?
Elizabeth: (turns to eye the host)
Kento: (gives guest lop-sided grin and slips arm around guest's shoulders) How about we go somewhere else... just you and me?
Elizabeth: (elbows host in the gut... hard)
Kento: OOF! (folds over in pain)
Rowen: Hey! Check it out, Cye. Kentos, the Freshmaker. (holds forth roll of chewy mints and smiles at camera)
Cye: (snickers)
Kento: (rolling on floor, holding gut)
[Fade back to show.]
Cale: (chuckling) ...Kentos ...heh. Anyway. Elizabeth, allowing that the way to eternal life is through the mass consumption of lasagna, would you swear fealty to Talpa if he offered you such a thing?
Elizabeth: Maybe not lasagna, I'm not too fond of it. BUT if he offered me cottage cheese... Oooooo! (whispers) That stuff's better than chocolate!
Rowen: (mouth full of more chocolate) Nuh uh! Nuffin's bettah than chocolate!
Talpa: (slips onto set, holds out large bowl of cottage cheese to guest) Then you'll swear fealty to me?
Elizabeth: What?! Are you out of your gourd?! Sell my eternal soul for cottage cheese?! (pauses to consider) ...cottage cheese truly is the way to happiness, but... no. No. (stares at cottage cheese and lick lips, then turns head) I... I can't betray the world for cottage cheese. It's evil. It's inhuman. It's--
Talpa: Cottage cheese.
Elizabeth: Nope, nope! I can't do it! I won't!
Talpa: (slips off stage muttering) Damn... I was so close!
Ryo: (off camera, pats big bad evil guy on shoulder) Maybe it'll work out next time.
Talpa: (off camera) Thanks. I hope so.
Rowen: (appears to be ready to bounce off the walls) Would it bother you if I sang a song for you?
Elizabeth: Judging from the fact that you've eaten all that chocolate, you've gummed up your voice, as well as the fact that I have sensitive ears due to musical training - yes, it would bother me. (mumbles) Probably make my ears bleed.
Rowen: (sprints onto the set, bounces around) Good! That's exactly what I wanted to hear! (takes deep breath, sings) This is the song that doesn't end! Yes, it goes on and on, my friends! Some people started singing it--
Kento: (tackles hyperactive brainy guy, slaps hand across mouth) That's quite enough of that, buddy. (can't avoid brainy guy's flailing arms, is hit several times) OW!
Rowen: (bites host's hand hard)
Kento: OW OW OW!! (pulls hand back)
Rowen: (continues singing) --not knowing what it was! And they'll continue singing it forever just because! This is the song that doesn't--
Kayura: (runs onto set, slaps several strips of duct tape over brainy guy's mouth) There we go. Safe.
Kento: (sits on brainy guy to hold him down) Thank you, everyone, for joining us today on "Guy Talk". We'll be back again with another action packed episode and I hope you'll all be with us.
[Run end credits and theme then fade.]
Kento: Could you, you know, change them back? We need them for the show. (points to teddy bear and tarantula still on big orange couch, tarantula climbing over teddy bear's legs)
Elizabeth: Oh, sure. I think they've suffered long enough. (scribbles on notepad, a puff of smoke, blond guy and spider guy are back to normal - spider guy plopped in blond guy's lap as they blink and look around in shock, guest flips page and writes again)
Kento: What are you doing now?
Elizabeth: (tears loose page, folds it, stuffs in blond guy's shirt pocket, puts hand on blond guy's shoulder and smiles sweetly) Call me. If you behave, I'll behave.
Sage: (words sink into his brain, grins)
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** = Me, too. ^_^