Episode Seven
Note: Fic-writer-as-guest episode number three.
Ryo: What do you mean Kento can't make it?!
Yuli: He said his family's having a get-together or something.
Rowen: That means there'll be food.
Sage: (snickering) There's your reason that he can't make it!
Ryo: (frustrated) Well, what are we gonna do? Cale won't do the show alone.
Dais: Why don't we have Cye take over for him?
Cye: Yeah! I'll do it!
Ryo: (sighs) Might as well. Let's get down to business, guys.
[The lights are brought up slowly and we see stand-in host and co-host sitting on the big orange couch. Focus on stand-in host.]
Cye: (fidgeting nervously) H-h-hello, everyone, and w-welcome t-to "Guy Talk." I'm Cye Mouri and will be standing in for your usual host, Kento Fung, t-today.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (encouragingly, with a wink) It's all right, Cye. You're doing fine. (looking at camera) I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Cye: Cale, could you please introduce our guest... I mean, you've done it before. I would probably just mess it up.
Cale: (with a nod) I sure will. Here she is, direct from the middle of nowhere! That Mistress of Mayhem... that Princess of Power-
Cye: (surprised) Our guest is She-ra?!
Cale: (with a patient sigh) No, Cye, our guest is not She-ra. It's Steffie-chan.
Cye: Oh... (sulking) But I LOVE She-ra! (brightens) Does she have a She-ra costume?
Cale: (with a frown and one raised brow) I don't think so, Cye.
Cye: (disappointed) Oh pooh.
Cale: Anyway, welcome to the "Guy Talk" stage Steffie-chan! (stands to greet guest, pulling stand-in host to his feet as well)
Steffie: (walks onto stage, ignores extended hands of stand-in host and co-host, flops comfortably onto center cushion of orange couch) I am here! Love me!
[Focus on all three as stand-in host and co-host take their seats.]
Cye: (a bit worried) Does it bother you that Kento's not here?
Steffie: (pout) As a matter of fact... yes. Where'd he go, anyway?
Sage: (off camera) A family gathering.
Steffie: Oh. I wanted to ask him about his preference between rib-eye and T-bone.
Cale: (puzzled) Why?
Steffie: Just a curiosity. I was looking forward to wreaking a little havoc wit' 'im, too. We were scheduled to raid a cookie factory. (points to boom box) I even brought the proper background music for it! The Beetlejuice theme song. It's perfect for mischief of all sorts.
Cale: (messing with loose string on shirt) So, Stef, what first got you into the show?
Steffie: (confused) "Guy Talk"?
Cale: (still messing with string) Nah. Ronin Warriors.
Steffie: Ah! Well, I saw the first episode over at Kit's house. First off, I was impressed by the animation styles and the general plot.
Ryo: (off camera) Ah yes... and what a plot it is.
Steffie: Shut up and let me finish. (fire guy sticks out tongue, guest retaliates same way) Then, Rowen showed up and I raised an eyebrow. Pretty good-lookin' guy, ne?
Rowen: (off camera, blows on nails and rubs across shirt)
Steffie: Then Kento said some funny stuff and I was like, "Well look what we have here! In Turtle terms, a Michelangelo! Sweeeeeet."
Dais: (off camera, snickers) Turtle terms...
Steffie: Then Cye made a frog-face and said "Bucket-head." That evoked a good, healthy "Tee-doo!"
Sekhmet: (off camera) Oooo! Say it, Cye! Say it!
Cye: (snarling at snake guy) No!
Steffie: (oblivious to comments) And THEN! Oh lordie, then... Sage showed up falling off a building headfirst, then landing perfectly on his feet. My eyebrows waggled like nobody's business and I think my jaw dropped. I dimly remember Kit saying, "You're in love, aren'tcha, Stef?" Indeed I was. Taken over by the slickness. It's the same kind of thing I had for the Fonz... only animated and martial artist-y, as opposed to live seventies and leathery.
Sage: (off camera, feeling rather smug) Let's face it, Rowen. We're hotter than Titanic.
Rowen: (off camera, just as smugly) Indeed. We are molten.
Mia: (off camera, annoyed) Geez! Will you get over yourselves already?! Maybe those yaoi fic writers have got it right and you two do belong with each other!
Sage: (off camera) Ah! That would so disappoint the screaming masses, though... (is thwapped upside the head by Mia)
Steffie: (still oblivious to side comments) Oh yeah. How could I forget? The Warlords were pretty fine, too.
Sekhmet and Dais: (off camera) Ah yeeeeeeeeeah!
Steffie: They were suitably eeevil. It was at that point I developed a taste for eyepatches and scars. This is why I now aspire to get a summer job as a pirate wench.
Cye: Um... I guess I'll ask the next question then. Who is your favorite character and why?
Steffie: Sage! My love!
Sage: (off camera, blinks)
Steffie: I mean... *ahem* my glove. Has anyone seen my glove? (mutters) Atta girl, Steffie. Way to cover. Heh. (aloud) Let's see... why? Powers from lightning. Very impressive. Color is green, which happens to be my favorite - as in, it was my favorite even before I knew it was his. Also, his powers kinda match up to Sailor Jupiter's, who's my favorite Senshi. And, of course... (sighs) there's the deep, frightfully sexy voice. Gorgeous blue eyes. Tasteful eye-candy build. And, of course... the entirely original, gotta-be-hell-to-get-it-that-way-in-the-morning hairstyle. Who isn't impressed with that?
Sage: (off camera, looking WAY too smug, is thwapped REALLY hard by Mia) Ow!
Cale: Let's take our first break... please? (pleadingly to director)
[Fade to commercial.]
Sekhmet: (off camera, to guest) Would you have a problem with me if I touched you?
Steffie: (off camera) Um...where, exactly? On the arm? No problem. Tweaked my nose? Pushing the line. Patted me on the head? You'd get bitten. Any place... clinical? My boy, you'd better hope you sedated me first. I love ya and all but there are some lines we do NOT cross, m'kay?
Sekhmet: (off camera, gulps) I was just asking cuz there's a fuzzy in your hair and I wanted your permission before I took it out...
Steffie: (off camera) Oh... sure, go ahead.
{We see a guy and a chick in a schoolroom, obviously staying late to study longer.}
Rowen: (sighing) Another classroom thingy? Is this going to become a running gag like Sage and that frying pan?
Booming Voice of Director: (from somewhere in the heavens) Of course. I'm the writer. I can do whatever I want.
Rowen: (heaving another sigh) Let's do it, then. (to guest, in a serious monotone) What's the capital of Zimbabwe?
Steffie: (brightly) Why, I am, of course! (trails off with oblivious humming)
Rowen: ..... (blinks)
Steffie: Well, if YOU don't know, then I'M certainly not going to tell you. (folds arms and looks immaturely self-righteous)
Rowen: (looking off camera) Sage...save me. Whack away. I understand that you have to take me out because you can't touch Stef... just PLEASE do it!
{Blond guy walks onto set, hefts frying pan.}
Sage: Are you sure?
Rowen: (pitiful puppy eyes) Please?
Sage: (shrugs and konks brainy guy unconscious with pan) You asked for it.
[Fade back to show. A penguin is seen waddling across the stage.]
Cale: (chasing penguin with a sardine in hand) Look what Uncle Caley's got for you-ooo! (suddenly looks up) Oh! We're back? Uh... (rushes to sit on couch, thinks fast) So, Stef, who's your favorite actor?
Steffie: (blink) Well, we all KNOW I love David Boreanaz. (dreamily) Gorgeous hair, sexy brown eyes, moves like a cat... rawr... (back in real world) Sorry 'bout that.
Cye: That's all right, really.
Steffie: I also love James Marsters when he's eeevil, Nicholas Brendan when he's being Xanderiffic, and Seth Green when he's being a tee-bear. Other than BTVS guys...(wonderingly) Does that count as a fetish? Nah... (back to business) I have a thing for Skeet Ulrich. What can I say? I'm a total disgusting weakling when it comes to sexy guys with goatees. They don't look like disaffected members of Generation-X to ME! Oh, and I LOVED the pairing of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire. What a gruesome - albeit sexy! - twosome.
Everyone: ..... (blink, blink, blink)
Steffie: Wow... I'm feeling very shallow now. Based entirely on merit, I like Robin Williams in serious films. He's got the most expressive eyes and voice for it.
Cale: (blink, blink, blink) Thank you, Steffie. That was... quite... informative.
Cye: ..... (blink, blink, blink)
Steffie: Hey, you asked!
Cale: I did, didn't I? So, if you had to choose, would you shave off all of your hair, shave off all of Sage's hair, or drop Yuli head-first into a cement bottom pool and claim that you didn't know there wasn't any water in the thing?
Steffie: (deadpan stare) Are you serious?
Cale: Very.
Steffie: Oh, in that case, let's think. I'd shave my head 'cept there are PLENTY of reasons not to. And shave Sage's hair?! Nooooo! I'm not even sure scissors could stand up to his -albeit awesome - hair. I mean, if he can he stand under a waterfall without losing a millimeter of body... I'm thinkin' we'd be wasting scissors, getting them all bent up and such. I think... (fingers roll of duct tape in her pocket) ...I'd have to go for the Yuli-dropping. I'll get more into THAT later. Heh heh heh.
Cye: (smirking) What would you do if you were trapped in a dark room, with no way out, and only Ryo for company?
Steffie: First we'd discuss socialism. Won't that be FUN! (mutters) How Scandinavian of me. (aloud) Then, after getting tired of prattle, I'd get Ryo to power up his Wildfire armor. He'd set up a tiny flame, thereby giving light to work by. Then... I'd pull a MacGuyver. Make a bomb out of half a potato and a drop of vanilla extract, both of which I handily slipped into my pocket before we were placed into this dark place. Then, I'd blow it up. If that didn't work, I'd assume that we were located within Talpa. Eew. I'd say, "Dammit, Ryo! Learn whatever lesson Bob needs you to learn so we can get the smeg outta here!"
Cale: (looking at director) Another one? (looks at Cye) Your turn.
Cye: (nods) We'll be right back.
[Fade to commercial.]
Yuli: (off camera, to guest) Do you like me?
Steffie: (off camera, deadpan stare) No. No, I do not.
Yuli: (off camera, pouting) Why not?
Steffie: (off camera) For one, you are squeaky and pre-pubescent. This bothers me in abstract, but very overwhelming ways. Two, I am insanely jealous that you get to hang around all these fine guys. You don't even appreciate what you have! (mutters) Or perhaps he does... little fruitbasket. (aloud) Three, you are entirely useless. White Blaze could have held onto the Jewel of Life JUST as easily as you. Or, more accurately... I could have done it! I COULD HAVE DONE IT BETTER! Where's that damn swimming pool?
{Sitting on a stoop, we see two guys and a chick.}
Cye: Do you have a motto?
Steffie: Well, I don't have one that specifically applies to me, but I recently picked up a few that make me laugh.
Cye: What are they?
Steffie: For one, "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth." It's not my favorite, but I just thought it might mesh well with the whole theme of the show. Tee hee.
Ryo: Ha ha ha. Very funny...
Steffie: "If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Again... tee hee.
Ryo: What I just said.
Steffie: But I'm thinkin' the best one for me would be "Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose." It fits. 'Course, if you can think of a better one, I'm all ears.
Cye: I'm rather found of "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
Ryo: Yeah. And there's always "Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's nose." Oh, I wanted to ask you something.
Steffie: Shoot!
Ryo: Would you rather see me or Yuli beat up Talpa?
Steffie: You, obviously! I know I've poked fun at you in the past, but you're ballparks ahead of Yuli when it comes to cool. Besides, you've got Inferno! That transformation is the coolest. Yes, much more impressive than Yuli. (stops and ponders)
Ryo: (grinning) Yes!
Cye: Ryo, calm down. She's really not saying a lot in your favor.
Steffie: ...Unless Yuli did it with a big swirly lollipop. Or if he dies in the end. Heh.
{Two guys wander onto the set.}
Talpa: Give me the pan, Sage.
Sage: No! I will not have it disappear because it gets borrowed it again! I'm still not happy with SOMEONE over that.
Cale: (off camera) You got it back, didn't you?!
Sage: Shut up! (whacks big bad evil guy with pan and stalks off)
Cye: Oh my...
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (sitting next to guest) Would you go out with me?
Steffie: Is that an offer? (eyebrow waggle) Allow me to answer in song. (dashes over and kicks jukebox. immediately, Shaft theme starts to play, karaoke-style) Help me, boys!
Cye, Rowen, and Warlords: Sure.
Ryo, Talpa, and Bob: Hell no.
Steffie: A tuneful melody for thee, my love! *ahem* Who's the green Ronin warrior who's the slickest of all?
Cye, Rowen, and Warlords: SAGE!
Steffie: He's daaaaamn fine. Who's the cat who won't cop out when there's evil about?
Cye, Rowen, and Warlords: SAGE!
Steffie: Can ya dig it?
Cye, Rowen, and Warlords: SAGE!
Steffie: He's one fiiiine mother- Shut yo' mouth! (music fades, guest strikes a James Brown pose, then sits down calmly) Does that about cover it? Or do you need the Dreamweaver sequence?
Sage: So... is that a "yes"?
Steffie: (facefault)
Cale: (shoves Sage off stage) So... Stef... Is there any one fanfic that could lead you to utterly destroy all of the other fics that you've read? It doesn't have to be Ronin Warriors.
Steffie: There are two that REALLY stand out for me. For one, there's Hearts of Ice! No, you guys aren't in it.
Everyone: Aw, man...
Steffie: It's the best Ranma ½ fanfic EVER. It's totally epic, and has won lots of awards, etc. It's heartbreaking, funny, and an absolute masterpiece.
Anubis: (off camera) Hmm... Think I've read that one...
Steffie: Now, on to Ronin fic, which I think you'd rather hear about - you egomaniacs! I adore Samurai Souls**. It's SOOOO sad! Cye, they're so mean to you! You're not THAT... poofy. And the aquarium scene was precious!
Cye: (blushing) Oh, thank you.
Steffie: Sage's all psychic and cool, although I'm still worried about the sickness thing. Kento's awesome in it, too, cuz he's all protective and funny and regular ol' Kento-ish. And Rowen! Rowen, honey!
Rowen: (blushes and tries to hide)
Steffie: (bites fist) What did they do to you? You made me cry several times. That goddamn pimp had no business asking- ...I'm giving away the plot to those who haven't read it, eh? Oh well. It's really strong in the character development department. It's my favorite Ronin origins story.
Cale: Ah... we Warlords aren't in that one.
Ryo: Neither am I.
Kayura: Or us... (looks at Mia, Bob, the brat, the tiger, and big bad evil guy)
[Quiet descends over the set.]
Dais: (off camera) Steffie?
Steffie: Yes?
Dais: (off camera) Did you really perform a voodoo ritual that would lead to Ryo's ultimate destruction?
Steffie: Ahem. (smiles sweetly at fire guy) That is entirely unfounded, ridiculous, and ultimately false. I would never even DREEEEEEEAM of it!
[Silence descends again.]
Cale: (clears throat) Would you prefer to be independently wealthy for the rest of your life or see those three (points to blond guy, brainy guy, and spider guy) dance the cancan in the appropriate drag?
Steffie: (feels her head to be sure that her tiny red horns aren't sticking up too much) Well, well, well. I have the feeling that if I were independently wealthy ENOUGH, I could bribe them into dancing the cancan for me anyway. If not... then, well. (shrugs) I have a vivid imagination and empty pockets. I'd still hafta go for the cash. Even though they'd be cute as hell.
Everyone: ..... (blink, blink, blink)
Cale: Uh... I think we're done.
Cye: I do believe so.
Cale: So... until next time!
[Run end credits and theme then fade.]
Cale: We really need Kento to do this, don't we?
Rowen: Yeah. It works much better with him.
Steffie: (pulls out voodoo doll and sticks a pin in its arm, grinning)
Ryo: OW! (grabs at arm)
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** = if you haven't read it yet...WHY NOT??? S'good stuff.