Note: Here's the second fic-writer-as-guest episode! Ever wanted to see Sage bomb-out hard core? You'll enjoy this one then!
Mia: Guys! Are we ready?!
Kento: (backstage) Yeah, yeah, yeah! We're comin'!
Sage: (to guest) Does my hair look okay?
Guest: Oh... gosh... I think I see... lice.
Sage: Are you serious? (runs off to find mirror)
Guest: Heh heh heh...
[The lights come up a little faster than usual, dim a bit, come all the way back up, flicker a lot, then go out completely with a big FZZZZZTZ sound.]
Rowen: DAMMIT! Ryo, come get your stupid cat!! He's been chewing on the cords again!
Ryo: (stumbling over all the equipment in his darkened path) Wah! Oof! Gah! White -ow! - Blaze! Get over here!
White Blaze: Hurrrumph! Mrooooowww. (translation: How could you, Rowen? I don't wanna go anywhere with that moron! You'll pay for this, Hashiba! Just you wait and see!)
Rowen: Sekh! Dais! Have you guys got those cords replaced yet?
Sekhmet: Almost... hold on a sec...
[All the lights come back up and every guy and chick (and one brat) cheers.]
Kento: Let's get this show on the road!
Cale: Yeah, any time now.
Rowen: You heard 'em, guys!
[Lights dim, cameras start rolling, lights are brought up slowly and we see host and co-host in their regular spots on the really bad orange couch. Focus on host.]
Kento: Hello again, everyone, and welcome to "Guy Talk," the show run by us guys for you guys! I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (with a little smile and a nod) And I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Cale: Kento, buddy, I say we just cut to the chase today and bring out our guest first thing.
Kento: Fine with me. Why don't you introduce her?
Cale: I believe I will! Today, "Guy Talk" is proud to bring to you all the one and only Sharra Starblade, also known to many as She-Ronin. (stands, as does host, to greet guest)
[Much cheering from all of the guys and chicks and one brat.]
Sharra: Thank you, everyone!
Kento: (motions to couch) Please, have a seat.
[Guest takes offered center cushion.]
Kento: Let's start this out with an easy question. What first got you into Ronin Warriors?
Sharra: (waves at camera) Hi, Jedi! Hi, Celtia! Hi, Swiftgold! (notices host and co-host awaiting an answer) Oh... *ahem* sorry. Anubis got me into the show. Anubis, Anubis, Anubis.
Cale: (sighing) Again, there's really no need to ask this question now, but I'll do it anyway. Just who exactly is your favorite character and why?
Sharra: Anubis. I love the hair, the eyes, the body... Yes, most definitely the body...
Anubis: (off camera, shifting weight nervously from foot to foot)
Sharra: He's got more of a brain then the rest of the Warlords have together...
Cale: (frowning)
Sekhmet and Dais: (off camera) Hey!
Dais: (off camera) I can understand her saying that about Sekhmet, but me?!
Sekhmet: (off camera, to spider guy) Hey!
Sharra: I like smarts. He's probably one of the only guys that could take me in a fistfight... ohh... that would be fun. (lecherous smile) And he's got a fantastic butt. Did I mention the brain?
Anubis: (off camera, trying to peer at behind) ...a fantastic butt? What do you think, Ro?
Rowen: (off camera, rolls eyes) I'm not looking!
Kento: So... Sharra, what's your real reason for being on the show? How much is Cale paying you?
Sharra: Cale said he'd get me a date with Noobie - er... Anubis. (looks at oni guy) I'll pick you up at eight!
Anubis: (off camera) ...Rowen, you just went through this... what do I do?...
Rowen: (off camera) Pray. Really hard.
Sage: (slips onto set, squeezing between co-host and guest) Would you go out with me?
Sharra: (with sour look on face) If you'd shave your head... and bring Anubis along, too, of course.
Anubis: (off camera) Woah...
Rowen: (off camera) It's official. She's obsessed.
Sage: (still sitting next to guest) If you were wearing a red shirt and green socks, what color would your panties be?
Sharra: (leans close and whispers seductively in blond guy's ear) Come by my dressing room later tonight and I'll (blond guy grins in anticipation) GET OUT MY NICE DULL, RUSTY KNIFE AND RENDER YOU HALF A MAN!!
Sage: (still grinning, blinking and rubbing ear) Oooooooo... feisty!
[Co-host grabs blond guy by scruff of the neck and punts him off the set.]
Cale: I'm so sorry about that.
Kento: (makes quick check with director) Okay. (turns back to camera) We'll be right back after this message.
[Fade to commercial.]
Ryo: (off camera) You got that pan of yours ready, Sage?
Sage: (off camera, smirking) Ready and willing.
{We see one brat and one chick in the middle of a park.}
Yuli: (running up to guest) Would you tie my shoes, please?
Sharra: (sitting comfortably on a park bench) Tell ya what, I'll tie your shoes if you go jump off the studio roof.
Yuli: Hey, if it'll get my shoes tied!
{Blond guy walks into scene.}
Sage: (looks at frying pan held loosely in hand) It seems I'm not needed here. Please, Sharra, tie his shoes. I won't stand in your way.
[Fade back to show.]
Sharra: (curious, to big bad evil guy) Is it true, ya know, what they say about you and Bob?
Talpa: (off camera) Huh?! Who says that?!?
Sharra: If it is, I think you guys are great together. A regular Kurama and Hiei.
Bob: (off camera) Oi vey... (slaps forehead) Where do these people get such crazy ideas?
Talpa: (off camera, putting arm around Bob's shoulders) I have no idea!
Bob: (off camera, shoves big bad evil guy away) What the hell are you doing, nimrod?!
Kento: Oooookay. Let's continue with the questions, shall we?
Cale: Please, let's.
Sharra: ..... (blink)
Kento: So, I think the subject of original characters is a good one to get into with you, Sharra. Of all your original characters, who do you personally identify with the most and why?
Sharra: Hmm... Sanada Ryoko. She's had a tough time and she's having issues right now, but she's going to triumph in spite of it all. I did the same. Plus, (dazzling smile) we both have white in our hair.
Cale: Ah! A nice serious answer. What a change of pace on this show. (sniffs) If you were forced to kill any of your originals - make that a Good Guy original - and have him or her stay dead, who would it be and why?
Sharra: (shows visible signs of deep thought) Ohh... damn... uhh... Yoshio!
Yoshio: (off camera) WHAT?!
Ryo: (off camera) What are you doing here?
Yoshio: (off camera) She said my name! I now have every right to be here!
Ryo: (off camera) Oh! In that case, go help Dais with whatever it is that he's doing backstage.
[Many loud crashing sounds emanate from backstage area.]
Dais: (from backstage) Aw man! That's a loada crap! Now I've gotta start all over! Get out of here, cat!
White Blaze: (from backstage) Rrrrroooooawr. (translation: Fine. See if I try to help you ever again. I'll just go continue plotting my revenge on little boy blue.)
Yoshio: (off camera, raises one brow) Do I have to?
Ryo: (off camera) If you want to stay.
Yoshio: (off camera, heaves big sigh) Okay. (shuffles off to help spider guy)
Sharra: NO... wait! Junko! Umm... Yeah, Junko... 'cause she's almost as annoying as Yuli. (whispers to Kento) Not to mention the secret crush she has on Cale. (turns back to Cale) Or Bubbles, just because she's BUBBLES...
Cale: Care to go through with that last one? I'll gladly help.
Almost Everyone: Me, too.
[Snake guy suddenly rushes on stage, looking rather distraught.]
Sekhmet: Have you seen my snake?! He got loose and I can't find him! Have you seen Elmo?!
Sharra: Oh... sorry... I took him to the New Generation realm and Whitefire ate him... but you can have your fanfic counterpart's snake, Sparky, if you want him...
Sekhmet: (eyes going round and watery, lower lip starting to quiver) Nah... that's okay... (leaves the set and wanders off)
Kento: (blinking irritably at guest) That's just great. Couldn't you have lied or something?
Sharra: (grinning) I did.
[Spider guy walks onto set.]
Dais: Okay, Yoshio, just hold those two wires together!
Yoshio: (from backstage) But they're naked wires! Won't it electrocute me if they go live?!
Dais: If it works, yeah! (kneels to work on something behind couch)
Kento: (to spider guy) Do you have to be doing this now?
Cale: Ignore that. If any one of your original characters were to be taped, who would it be and why would he or she deserve it?
Sharra: Loki because he's stalking Ryo's granddaughter... the sicko freak... Yeah, Loki, (leans forward and stares hard into camera) I have a little fic planned for you... I call it 'Lokistiltskin'...
Dais: (stands behind couch, leans against it) Okay, that should do it. Yoshio, be ready! Bob, hit the switch.
[Bob flips fuse switch in breaker box, lights dim for a second, then flicker and go out.]
Yoshio: (from backstage) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
[Loud FZZZZZZZZZZZTZ sounds fill the air and bright, blue flashes of light are seen from the backstage area. This lasts nearly a minute and then suddenly stops.]
Dais: Oops. (flips on flashlight and disappears backstage)
Sage: (sneaks onto still-dark set again and squeezes between host and guest) So, do you come here often? (makes hokey attempt at a seductive look)
Sharra: Are you a natural blond?
Sage: Does it matter?
Sharra: (shoves blond guy away with a hand to the face) Where's Anubis? I have something to show him...
Kento: Uh... we'll be right back... (eyes director until he gets his way)
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys and one chick sitting at a kitchen table.}
Talpa: (gazing into a hand held mirror) Damn! My roots are starting to show again.
Bob: (looking at big bad evil guy's hair) Hmm... you're right. I should do mine soon, too.
{One more guy wanders into kitchen.}
Dais: Whatcha guys doin'?
Bob: Just talking about how we've got roots again.
Dais: Again?
Talpa: Have you checked your own hair lately? (checks watch) Hm... the store is still open. I'll go pick up some stuff. Usual shade, guys?
{Spider guy and Bob nod.}
Bob: Better pick some up for Blondie, too. I'm sure he's starting to show.
{Big bad evil guy nods then leaves.}
Sharra: (watching this exchange, to spider guy and Bob) So... do you two, Talpa, and Sage really get together and bleach your hair?
{Blond guy wanders into scene, hefting frying pan.}
Sage: (frowning) I'm not sure which one of ya I should go after first. (scowls at guest) You I can't get... So, I think I'll just take out Dais and Bob together! (swings pan, knocking across both spider guy's and Bob's head, leaving them slumped forward over the table)
Sharra: (impressed) Good shot!
Sage: (bowing) Thank you much.
[Fade back to show.]
Sharra: NO!! I will NOT tell you my bra size! Pervert! (kicks blond guy where it hurts)
Sage: (rolled up in little ball of pain on the floor)
[Lights come back up and spider guy drags singed and smoking neo-fish guy out from backstage area.]
Dais: (off camera) Uh, I think I'll take him home now. I'll be real quick.
Ryo: (off camera) Sure. Here's the keys to the van. (tosses keyring to spider guy)
Rowen: (off camera, absent-minded and looking at magazine) Do you think I could make it as a pro wrestler?
Sharra: Go put on some tight leather pants and I'll let you know.
Rowen: (off camera) Sure. Be back shortly. (vanishes to dressing room area)
Kento: (puzzled look) This is getting kinda strange. Good thing there's not much time left. (turns to guest, thinking quickly) Which would you prefer to see? Cale stripping naked and dancing for you or Ryo spontaneously combusting and blazing away until he's only a greasy black smudge on the floor?
Sharra: Umm... (looks back and forth between Cale and Ryo) ...can I have both?
Ryo: (off camera, dispirited) God, another fic writer that feels they could do without me.
Cale: I'm seriously hoping that you don't expect me to do that.
[Psycho chick sits on the set in front of the couch and blinks up at guest.]
Kayura: (curiously) Did you really kidnap Cye, tie him up, and force him to eat fish until he admitted he liked it?
Sharra: ARRGGHH!! WHO TOLD?! (glares at camera) Naaza! Rajura! It was you two, wasn't it?!
Cye: (off camera, hiding his head in shame)
Sharra: (seeing fish guy trying to hide) I know you eat fish when you think no one's looking! Admit it!
Cye: (off camera) No! It's not true!
Sharra: Admit it, Fishy!! I have proof! (holds up video tape)
Cye: (off camera, near tears) All right, all right! It is true... I love fish (sniffle) ...for dinner. Especially a nice broiled trout... Or halibut with a tasty lemon pepper seasoning...
Everyone: ..... (blinks)
Kento: Well...that was informative. We've only got a few seconds left, so Sharra, is there anything else you'd like to say?
Sharra: Yes, Kento, there is. (turns to address every guy and chick - and one brat) I'm pleased to announce... I'm pregnant with Anubis' child!
Anubis: (off camera, faints, hits floor with a loud THUD)
Cale: Uh... That's a wrap, everyone.
Kento: Uh huh. So, we'll see you all next time on "Guy Talk."
[Run end credits and theme then fade out.]
Rowen: (wearing only tight leather pants) So, what do you think?
ALL Chicks: Nice. Veeeeeeeeerrrrrrry nice. (slobber)