"Guy Talk"
By Tinkerhell the Evil Fairy
Episode Five
Note: Here we go! This is the first episode with a fic writer as the guest!
Kento: Is she here?
Ryo: (from somewhere backstage) Yeah! She's back in makeup with Mia and Kayura!
Kento: Oooooo, poor thing. We just about ready to start, Ro?
Rowen: (from behind mounds of technical equipment) Sure thing!
Kento: Then let's do it!
[The lights come up slowly and sitting on their pumpkin orange couch, we see the host and co-host. The host is waving at fish guy to get the boom mic out of the shot and the co-host is distracted by the off-camera antics of spider guy and snake guy.]
Kento: (little attention getting whistle at co-host) We're on, man!
Cale: (surprised) Oh! (turns away from his entertainment)
[Focus on host.]
Kento: Welcome, one and all, to this fifth episode of "Guy Talk"! I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: And I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Kento: Now, today we've got a real treat.
Cale: Indeed we do, Kento. We were lucky enough to get ourselves an awesome guest. She's a fic writer and well-known among her friends.
Rowen: (off camera) Well, DUH! I'd hope her friends know her!
Cale: (sticks out tongue) Shut up, Blue Boy!
Kento: (clears throat) So, shall we bring her out and introduce her to our viewers?
Cale: That's probably a good idea...
Kento: All right, then! Everyone, we'd like you to welcome to "Guy Talk" the one and only Kitiara Hashiba! (stands to greet guest, as does co-host)
Rowen: (off camera, whimpering) ...no...you guys never told me...
[Focus on guest as she steps onto stage, smiling and waving at camera.]
Kit: Hi!
Kento: Hello, Kitiara. It's nice to have you here.
Kit: Thank you!
Cale: (gives nod of greeting) Please, have a seat. (waves toward center cushion of big orange couch)
[Focus on view of full couch. From stage left to stage right: host, guest, co-host.]
Kento: Well, I guess we'll start this off with a simple question, Kit.
Kit: Go for it.
Kento: Why do you write about US?
Kit: (leans over to pinch host's cheek) Cuz you're cute! Next question?
Kento: (blushing and embarrassed) Well, gee... *ahem* Uh, so, what was it that first got you into the show? Not "Guy Talk", Ronin Warriors.
Kit: (turns thoughtful) Well... Rowen.
Rowen: (off camera) ...eep...
Kit: (winks at brainy guy) I was flippin' channels and I saw a hot guy with blue hair-
Rowen: (off camera) ...I'm hot?...
Kit: (places index finger to lips and blows tiny kiss toward brainy guy) -and thought, "Hey! That guy's hot!"
Rowen: (off camera, blushing like a madguy)
Kit: I actually didn't see any of you other guys until WAY later, since I started watching after you, Sage, and Cye were captured.
Kento: Ah.
Kit: (almost muttered to self) Never did like Ryo much... (grins at Kento) but Rowen was all around sexy!
Rowen: (off camera, looking almost faint) ...oh boy...
Cale: Well, that answer is going to make my question seem rather superfluous (looks smug at use of big word) but I'll ask anyway. Just who exactly is your favorite character and why?
Kit: (gives co-host look of 'you're joking') Rowen all the way! He's hot. He's got a sexy voice. He's hot. His armor's dark blue. He's hot. He's the Ronin of the Sky. He's hot. He's got blue spiky hair. He's hot... Did I mention his hair?
Rowen: (off camera) ..... (blinks)
Kit: He's the "most clever and dangerous" of all the Ronins... He brought Sage, Cye, and Kento back to life. He's hot-
Kento: *ahem* I think we get the picture.
Kit: ...oh...(snicker)
Kento: (glances at director, nods) We'll be right back.
[Fade to commercial.]
Cale: (off camera, hefts blond guy's frying pan, sees host eyeing him) I'm just getting ready, in case it's needed.
Sage: (off camera) I want my pan back, Cale. Please, can I have it?
{We see in a schoolroom one guy and one chick, obviously staying after class to study a bit longer.}
Rowen: (confused sigh) Kit?
Kit: Yeah?
Rowen: What is six plus four?
Kit: (looks at fingers) Ten! (gets quizzical) I think. Wait a minute. (pulls out a mini chalkboard covered in too-detailed little diagrams and a piece of chalk, as well as perching a pair of tiny semi-circle glasses on her nose) Kry-ten! (android walks into schoolroom)
Kryten: Yes, Miss Kitiara?
Kit: I was just thinking... Assuming we're not dealing with five dimensional objects in a Euclidian geometric universe, and given the essential premise that all geo-mathematics are based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and that Ustermayer correctly postulates that one and two are in fact the same thing when observed from different precepts... (sniffs disdainfully)
{Co-host runs into scene and whacks guest upside the head with the much disputed frying pan.}
Kit: (uneffected by whacking) Then the geometric shape described by Sidis must therefore be a polydridedodecoherdron (whack!), a hexasexahydroatecon (whack!!), a dibidolyhedecadodron. (WHACK!!!, sniffs disdainfully again) Everything else is poppycock, isn't that so?
Cale: I can't believe this!
{Blond guy strides in, joining the scene.}
Sage: Cale, have you forgotten that we can't do anything to the fic writers? They have all those safe-guards and things that won't let us touch them.
Cale: (scowling) Dammit. I did forget. Here, you can have your pan back now.
Sage: (clasps frying pan to chest and does happy muppet-like dance of joy)
Rowen: (gulping as guest slips over to his desk and somehow finds a way to deposit herself into his lap) Is this thing over yet??
{Blond guy continues to dance around set, clutching frying pan as if it were his closest friend.}
[Fade back to show.]
Kit: I said wine, not whine! (shakes head and mutters)
Ryo: (just off camera, fuming) Well, soooooooorry! Can I ask a question?
Kit: You just did.
Ryo: (stepping into shot, rolling eyes) I meant a real question.
Kit: (pondering) So that wasn't a real question? How do you figure that?
Ryo: You know what I mean!
Kento: Just ask!
Ryo: Who's your favorite band?
Cale: (snickering) Oh yeah, he'd make it as a talk show host, wouldn't he?
Ryo: (angry) Lay off!
Kit: Oh! Stupid little rabbit-boy is mad! I'll answer your question, though.
Ryo: (sniffs) Thank you.
Kit: My fave band? Either Spring Heeled Jack USA of the Voodoo Glow Skulls. There's this one VGS song called "Love Letter."
Cye: (off camera) Oh, I know that one!
Kit: Yeah, there's that one line that goes "I wrote her this love letter, but she don't know how to read!" but the singer doesn't enunciate AT ALL, so it sounds like "I wroh her this luhv lettuh, buh she done nuh howda ree!"
Kento: (blank look on face)
Cale: Well now. That was interesting. Thank you for the question, Ryo.
Kit: ...rabbit-boy...
Ryo: SHUT UP!
Dais: (off camera, seeing tensions between fire guy and guest escalate) Kit, is that your natural hair color?
Kit: (switching gears, easily ignoring fire guy) Not really... It's a combination of three years of dying - everything from auburn to blond. I mix it all in cauldron, add some newt, and chant... You know, "Bubble bubble, toil and trouble" and whatnot.
Kayura: (off camera, awed) That's so amazing... That's the same thing I do!
Kento: (having finally come back from lala land) Okay... go find something to do now, Kayura.
Kayura: (off camera, giggles) 'Kay! (bounces off with brat in hand to play in makeup room)
Yuli: (off camera) HELP!
Kento: Let's get back to questions!
Cale: Yes, let's. So, Kit, if you could wipe any one of us out of existence, who would it be and why?
Kit: Us meaning any Ronin Warriors character of us meaning just the nine armor bearers?
Kento: A legitimate question. Uh, why don't you just give us both answers.
Kit: Okay. Any character - Yuli. Mia can take care of all the little "underdog-saves-the-day" episodes, and the spore can be roasted over an open fire to be fed to White Blaze.
Sekhmet: (off camera) That's mean... but I like it!
Kit: Of the armored nine - Ryo.
Ryo: (back off camera) Why am I not surprised?
Kit: (smirking) Rabbit-boy, rabbit-boy, rabbit-boy... (chanting)
Ryo: (off camera) Shut UP!
Kit: (again ignoring fire guy) Of the armored nine - Ryo. Give his Inferno armor power to the other four Ronins, Anubis gets ressurected and given the Wildfire armor since Kayura has the armor of Cruelty. I have no tolerance for whiny little boys who throw rabbit punches and can't cut flame.
Kento: (clears throat, watching blond guy and brainy guy struggling to hold back fire guy) On that note, I think we'll take our next break. (nods to director)
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys and one chick in an ordinary kitchen, one guy is fixing supper.}
Cale: Which would you rather have tonight: potatoes or (pauses to watch host commence a really disgusting action, then continues slowly) ...whatever that is that Kento is digging out of his nose?
Kit: (in cutesy little girl's ruffly dress) Potatoes, unless you can Shake 'n' Bake Kento's treasures. (switches to hick voice) It's SHAKE 'n' BAKE! And I helped!
Kento: (wipes finger on underside of table) Huh?
{Suddenly blond guy races across scene, whacking both host and co-host upside the head with his beloved frying pan. Host and co-host end up konked on the floor.}
Sage: (sniffs happily) There, I saved you.
Kit: I was enjoying myself, actually.
Sage: (raises a blond brow, smiles his best flirty smile) Would you go out with me?
Kit: Oh woe is me! (strikes a Kuno-type pose) I am asked by a handsome man to date, but I cannot betray my Rowen-sama! (faints)
Sage: (thoughtful) Hmm... I wonder if that'll work on other fic writers?
Rowen: (off camera) Dear god... she's obsessed, isn't she?
[Fade back to show.]
Cye: (beseechingly) Do you have change for a dollar?
Kit: (bursts out laughing) Me? Have money?
Cye: (walks off camera) Well, it was worth asking.
Kit: Sorry, Cye-les. If I had anything... (makes gesture of 'I would')
Kento: (rubbing head where whacked by blond guy's pan) Time for more questions. What's your opinion on original characters? Should they be allowed or should they be banned?
Kit: My original characters are allowed. Seriously, original characters are fine as long as they're not created solely to be paired up with someone. Their personalities must be developed, and they must be established as a character, before they turn into a love interest.
Kento: That's an interesting view.
Kit: That said... (walks off camera to brainy guy and hands him a piece of paper) There's my number. Call me! (walks back on stage and takes seat again)
Rowen: (off camera, secretly passes piece of paper off to eager hands of blond guy)
Sage: (off camera, quietly) Aw, yeeeeeah...
Kit: So, any more questions?
Cale: (thinking fast) Uh, why is the sky blue?
Kit: Whales. All that water they blow out their blowholes (giggles lecherously for a moment) stains the damn sky. It's 'UPPOSED to be CYAN.
Kento: Staying on this note, why is Ro's hair blue?
Kit: Because he's hot. Or because of Clairol Natural Instincts. (then to brainy guy) Do you feel like a natural woman?
Rowen: (off camera) Depending on the fic ya read, sometimes I do.
Sekhmet: (off camera, nervously to guest) Why are you staring at me?
Kit: Must be the eyeshadow... Is that "Orchid Mist" or "Mountain's Majesty"?
Kento: Well, since this is rapidly degenerating, I think all we have time for is one last question. Which came first: the chicken or Talpa?
Anubis: (off camera) I thought Talpa was a chicken...
Kit: Christopher Walken. Seriously... I think a combination monster - like a Chilpa or a Talken was first, and they just evolved apart. I DO NOT want to imagine a chicken laying Talpa, or the other way around!
Everyone: (collapses on floor in hysterical laughter)
Kit: (feeling groovy about herself now) Hey, Sage!
Sage: (off camera, struggling around giggles) Yeah?
Kit: Gi.*
Sage: (off camera, stops laughing immediately) Shut up.
Kit: Gi.
Sage: (off camera, becoming rather upset) Leave me alone! (runs off to who knows where to get away from the taunting)
Kento: (laughing even harder now) Good one, Kit!
Kit: Thank you.
Kento: (calming self a bit) That's all folks. We'll be back soon with another episode of "Guy Talk." Hope to see you there!
[Focus on whole crowd of guys and chicks rolling on floor in massive group fit of giggles.]
Kit: Get away from me rabbit-boy!
[Run end credits and end theme then fade out.]
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* = inside joke. don't ask me. ^_^'