Episode Four
(The New Year's Special)
[The lights are brought up slowly and we see the host and co-host sitting on the horrifically orange couch, having their their faces touched up by psycho chick and Mia.]
Kento: Mia, Kayura, that's enough! (coughs because of powder filling the air) The show is starting!
Cale: Petheh! Yuck! (wipes at tongue with his fingers) Ah gah thum in mah mouf.
Kayura: Sorry. (rushes off camera with Mia)
[Focus on host.]
Kento: Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Guy Talk's" first ever New Year's Special! I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: An ah'm yuhr (wipes tongue again and spits) co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Kento: Now, because this is a special episode, we'll be having all different sorts of guests. Isn't that right, Cale?
Cale: Yes, it is, Kento. Shall I list some?
Kento: Go for it.
Cale: Alrighty, then. We've got with us tonight the likes of Elvis and Bigfoot, Duo and Heero, Kurama and Hiei, Lina and Gourry, and Miaka and Tamahome, just to name a few!
Kento: Well, that's a mighty big list. How're we gonna fit 'em all into the show?
Cale: Very carefully.
[Spider guy slips onto the stage and whispers to co-host briefly before leaving the stage again.]
Cale: I've just gotten some bad news. Seems Miaka and Tamahome won't be able to make it after all. They mentioned something about being caught up in a book they were reading.
Kento: Hunh. Those two always use that excuse. Anyhoo, at the end of the night, we will be having a big countdown to the new year. And, as we can't drop the ball - because someone else already has dibs on that - we'll be dropping Sekhmet on his head.
Cale: Yeah, and don't worry folks. It won't hurt him... at least I don't think it will. (waves hand toward something off camera) Bob, why don't you show us the set-up?
[Focus on Bob, who is outside in the cold weather surrounded by screaming Ronin MLers held back only by a flimsy metal barrier... and a wriggling mass of webbing that suspiciously sounds like snake guy.]
Bob: Of course, Cale. (kneels down beside web cocoon) Inside this webbing so kindly provided by our very own Dais -
[Quick close-up of spider guy and cut back to Bob.]
Bob: - we have Sekhmet who, later on tonight, will be lifted into position at the top of this flagpole -
[Quick shot of flagpole and cut back to Bob.]
Bob: - where he will be dropped three feet for each second of the ten second countdown. So, indeed, this will be a controlled fall leaving Sekhmet in freefall for only the last second and three feet. Now the webbing should be padding enough to absorb the shock and prevent his neck from snapping. That's it, and I'll see you all later tonight.
[Switch back to view of host and co-host on their couch and two other guys on another couch.]
Kento: Well, now. That certainly sounds like fun.
Cale: Yes, it does.
Kento: And now, we'd like to introduce our first guests of the evening... Gundam pilots Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy. It's a honor to have you here, guys.
[Switch to view of two other guys.]
Duo: Thanks, it's an honor to be here. I've always thought a show like this should exist. I mean, there's so many girl shows a person just doesn't know what to do with themselves anymore. I can sit flipping through channel after channel and find absolutely nothing but sissy talk shows about how a woman can't control her sex-fiend daughter- (is thwapped upside the head) OW!
Heero: (thwaps Duo upside the head again) Shut-up.
[Switch to view of all four guys.]
Cale: That's (clears throat a little) nice to know, Duo. So, Heero, I've heard rumors that Ebonhawk is starting a Gundam Wing Duct Tape series. Is there any truth to this?
Duo: Unfortunately. (thwap!) OW!
Heero: Hai. You've heard correctly, Cale.
Rowen: (off camera) YES! I feel so much better now! We're not alone!
Kento: (looking at director) Sure thing. (looking back at camera) We'll be right back with Duo and Heero after this message.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see sitting at a picnic table, in the middle of a park, three guys and one chick. On the table is a board game of some sort.}
Kurama: It's your turn, Ro. (hands over the dice)
Rowen: (rolls dice and moves piece appropriate amount of spaces) Well, whadda ya know... I won.
Duo: Uh-uh. No way. You rolled eleven and you moved... (silently counts) TWELVE! You cheated!
Rowen: ...no I didn't...
{Braid guy tackles brainy guy and they end up in a brawling heap on the grass.}
Lina: This made no sense.
Kurama: Uh, yeeeeeah.
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (off camera, blinks several times) That was too stupid even to interrupt with a few good whacks of my trusty frying pan... which Cale has yet to return!
Cale: Sorry. I forgot.
Kento: Hey people! We're back with Duo and Heero as well as Kurama and Hiei. Man, it's gettin' kinda crowded up here, isn't it?
Cale: At least you and I have our own couch while those poor suckers are all stuck on one together. Although, depending which fanfics you read, they could be enjoying it. (snickers)
[Co-host suddenly finds himself staring down the barrel of a well-used gun and feels the prick of a sharp blade against his belly.]
Heero: What was that?
Hiei: You'd best answer quickly.
Cale: (gulps) ...nothing...
Heero: That's what I thought.
[Guest guys return to their spots, however squished, and wait for the show to continue.]
Kento: Well... that was fun. Kurama, Hiei, you are soon to be making a return to the DT realm. Could you tell us your plans for revenge?
Kurama: Are you kidding? And ruin the whole story?
Hiei: (glowering) How about we take care of business right here instead?
Kento: Uh, no, that's fine. So, Duo, exactly how long did it take you to grow that hair of yours?
Lina: (off camera) What about us?! Aren't we supposed to be on this show?!
Gourry: (off camera) Yeah, what she said!
Anubis: (off camera) And what about everyone else?! All of us have to be at least mentioned in this!
Talpa: (off camera) I agree!
Duo: I think that we should all just- (THWAP!) OW!!!
Heero: Shut-up.
Kento: We'll be right back, everyone! (looks at director with pleading eyes) Please?
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys and one brat walking down the street in a very crowded part of town.}
Yuli: Hey guys, let's go there (points across street) for lunch!
Cye: (blanched) No, I really don't go for seafood, Yuli.
Yuli: Well, how about there? (points to another restaurant)
Ryo: Nah, they don't serve flambe there.
Yuli: Then where?!
{A familiar voice rings out from the heavens.}
Kento: (using strange echo effect) Why don't you all come on down to Hardrock's Bar and Grill? We've got everything you could possibly want to stuff down you gullet!
Ryo: Wow. Maybe we should go there?
Cye: Maybe!
Yuli: Let's go!
{Guys and brat wander off toward the flashing, neon sign in the distance.}
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (off camera) I hate you, Cale.
Cale: Now you're definitely not getting the pan back.
Kento: Welcome back and let's head outside! It's almost time for the countdown!
[Every guy and chick (and the brat) filters out the doors to the front of the building where Bob and wrapped-up Sekhmet (as well as all the ML freaks) wait.]
Sharra: It's him! Let me at 'im! (jumps the barrier)
Anubis: GAH!! Hide me! (ducks behind Cale)
Kit: Rowen!! Rowen, you're all mine now!! (also jumps barrier)
Rowen: ..... (stunned into silence)
Kento: Girls, girls! Let's wait on that!
[Sharra and Kit sigh, mutter, and find their way back to other side of barrier - where the rest of the MLers try to cheer them up.]
Bob: Are we ready?
Cale: (swatting at oni guy until he stops hiding behind him) Yes, Bob, we are!
Bob: (waving at guy operating snake guy dropping equipment) Let's do it!
[Slowly, snake guy is lifted as a wiggling cocoon high into the air.]
Duo: This is gonna be so- (THWAP!) OW!!
Heero: Shut-up.
Kento: Okay, everyone...(checks watch) twenty seconds! ...Fifteen seconds! ...Eleven seconds!
Everyone: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!! (snake guy hits the street) Happy New Year!!
[Pandemonium breaks loose! The MLers crash over the barrier sweeping in a heavy wave over the guys, chicks, and one brat!]
Ebon: Get your hands off him! Duo AND Dais are mine!!
Unacera: C'mon Cale, let's find somewhere quiet... just you and me...
Aleksa: Where's Rowen?!
Kit: Yeah! Where is he?
Anubis: HIDE ME!! (runs screaming down the street, Sharra hot on his tail)
Steffie: Sage??
Amanda: Oooooh, my poor Sekhmet! (cradles unconscious snake guy, having torn the webs away from him)
Cye: (curled up on the cement, rocking back and forth) ...this is not happening... this is not happening... this is not happening... this is not happening... this is not happening...
Kento: What about me? Isn't anyone gonna mob me?
Kurama: Stay back! I'm not afraid to- (goes down under a wave of various MLers.)
Hiei: Hn.
Mia: Here's my chance! Ryo!! (dives into ocean of people after fire guy)
Bob: Come along, Yuli, you're too young for this.
Yuli: Yessir. (vanishes with Bob)
Kayura: Y'know, Heero, you really are kinda cute...
Heero: I'm going to go self-destruct now. (tries to walk away, psycho chick wrapped around his legs)
Duo: HEEEEEERRROOOOOOO!! Help me!
Lina: Let's get out of here!
Gourry: Yeah! (they disappear down the street)
Sage: Is it over yet? (from behind big bad evil guy)
Talpa: Nope.
Kento: Uh, Happy New Year, everyone! I hope to see you all next time on "Guy Talk."
[Run credits and end theme then fade out.]
Tamahome: Are we too late?
Miaka: Is there any food left?
Kento: There was food?