Episode Three
[The lights are up and we find everyone, except the host and co-host, on the set deep in a serious discussion.]
Ryo: (frustrated) Well, what are we going to do? We have to tape this today. I can't believe Kento and Cale just disappeared like that without telling ANYone.
Sekhmet: There's nothing we can do about it now.
Sage: (thoughtfully) Why don't two of US act as stand-ins?
Ryo: I guess that's what we'll have to do. So, who wants to host the show?
Rowen and Dais: (together, far too eagerly, waving their hands high in the air) Pick us! Pick us!
Cye: (chuckling) I'm guessing those two want the job.
Ryo: Then hop to it, guys.
[The lights are dimmed as brainy guy and spider guy take their places on the big orange couch. Then the lights are brought back up. Focus on (new) host.]
Rowen: Hello and welcome to the Guy Talk. You regular host is out today dealing with (thinks quickly) personal issues. I'm Rowen Hashiba and will be his stand-in until such time as Kento returns.
[Focus on (new) co-host.]
Dais: My name is Dais (momentary pause as he discusses with host) Jones (big, wide grin) and I'll be Cale Smith's stand-in, as he is also out of the picture.
Rowen: (off camera, hissing whisper) Out for the day!
Dais: (fakes cough, trying to cover mess-up) Yeah, out for the day, I meant. Damn this cold.
[Switch to focus on both.]
Rowen: Now today, we've got a guest that we'd like to introduce right away.
Dais: That's right. Shall we bring her out?
Anubis: (off camera) Her? I thought this was "GUY Talk."
Rowen: Indeed we shall! Please welcome Lady Kayura to the "Guy Talk" stage. (host and co-host stand to greet the guest - a.k.a. psycho chick)
Cye: (off camera) Oh, dear god! They invited that psycho bitch here??
Ryo: (off camera, whaps fish guy upside the head) Watch your mouth!
Kayura: (sitting elegantly on the couch after graciously allowing host and co-host to kiss her hand) Thank you for having me here, Rowen, Dais.
Rowen: (smiling) It's nice having you here, Lady Kayura.
Kayura: Oh, just call me Kay.
Rowen: All right then. Kay.
Anubis: (off camera) What?! That's so unfair! She never lets me call her that...
Kayura: (sticks out her tongue at oni guy, then turns back to host) It really is a wonderful honor to be your first guest, Rowen. I always knew you'd make a great host.
Rowen: (slightly embarrassed) Why, thank you.
Dais: So, Kay, I'm sure the- (is whacked hard across the back of the head)
Kayura: I said Rowen could call me Kay. Not you.
Dais: Sorry. (rubbing at sore spot) So, KAYURA, I'm sure the world is wondering what you've been up to lately.
Kayura: Oh not too much really. I've been-
Rowen: (interrupting) I'm sorry to cut you off like this but we need to take a break.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys standing in the middle of an archery field.}
Rowen: (holding his bow, ready to lift and draw) Over the fence, around the tree, off the roof, through Ryo's legs, under White Blaze, nothin' but target.
Anubis: Prove it.
{The arrow is drawn but before brainy/stand-in host guy can release it, another guy comes racing into the scene.}
Sage: (holding frying pan at the ready) Do it! I dare you to! Keep going and see if I don't whack ya both!
Anubis: Sage, are you okay?
{Lots of loud noises are heard off camera and suddenly a swiftly moving spider/stand-in co-host guy bolts across the set, the regular co-host right behind him cursing and threatening up a storm.}
Dais: HELP ME!!
{Co-host pauses in front of blond guy, snags the frying pan and continues on his pursuit.}
Rowen: Oh crap. Cale got loose. That means... (turns around when he feels someone standing behind him)
Kento: (smiling a little too nicely) Hello, Rowen.
Rowen: (turning back around to face others) I'll see you guys later, okay? (runs for his life)
<add sound effect: (off camera) two guys getting bonked REALLY hard with a frying pan.>
[Time elapse five minutes and fade back to show - where regular host and co-host now sit comfortably in their usual spots.]
Kento: I'm tellin' ya, Cale, I have the body of a god.
Cale: Yeah... Buddha.
Kento: Shut up, fart knocker!
Cale: Oh, that's real mature.
Kento: Almost as mature as Dais and Rowen tying us up and tossing us in that supply closet! (pauses to consider a moment) Not that we're any better for doing it to them just to get back.
Cale: Revenge is a good thing, Kento. Don't regret our actions. Say, didn't we have a guest we were supposed to have on today?
Kento: Yeah, but I can't remember who.
Cale: (pondering not totally off subject) Have you ever stopped thinking and forgotten to START again?
Kento: Actually, yes.
Cye: (off camera) A real surprise, that!
Kento: Shut up before I have to hurt you. Hmmmm. I really can't remember who it was supposed to be.
Ryo: (off camera) Kayura's still here. You could interview her.
Kento and Cale: Okay.
[Psycho chick walks onto set and sits on the couch again.]
Kento: Hello and welcome to "Guy Talk," Kayura.
Kayura: Thank you.
Kento: (looks at director) If we have to. (looks back at camera) We'll be right back after this break.
[Fade to commercial.]
Sage: (off camera) Can I have my pan back, Cale?
Cale: (off camera) No. I like it. It works real good.
Sage: (off camera, sighs)
{We see a demented portrait of Talpa [shocking, huh?] overlaid on a background of a devestated landscape in the Nether Realm.}
Mia: (as narrator) He destroyed your world. He raised taxes to the highest they've ever been. He abolished welfare and did away with worker benefits. Do you want him to do it for another four years?
{Switch to shot of fire guy standing surrounded by happy little kids playing in a flower filled field.}
Ryo: (real nice like) Hello. I'm Ryo Sanada and I'm running in this election for Emperor of the Dynasty. My opponent, the incumbent, has really made a mess of things for you over the past millennia or so... and I'd like to fix that. So please, put your mark by my name when you hit the booth.
{Switch to nice three-quarter view photo of fire guy on snazzy computer generated background with the usual spiel words off to the side in bright red letters.}
Mia: (as narrator) Paid for by the Ryo Sanada for Emperor Committee.
[Fade back to show]
Sage: (off camera) I could've stopped that... but SOMEONE has my frying pan.
Kayura: Sage, get a life.
Cale: I've got a question. I read this article in the paper yesterday about a pregnant nun. HOW do you get a nun pregnant?
Cye: (off camera) DRESS HER UP AS AN ALTAR BOY!!
Everyone Else: (shocked) CYE!!
Cye: (off camera, grinning) What?
Cale: Well, if we're just going to tell jokes now... Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
[Everyone (except spider guy and brainy guy, of course) shrugs, gives up, and sits somewhere on the set.]
Ryo: No.
Cale: He sold his soul to Santa. What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Sage: What?
Cale: Someone who worships a tree that's not there. What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and Druid mathematician?
Cye: Just tell us.
Cale: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there. Why did the Wiccan Novitiate give up pork?
Sekhmet: I thought we were talking Buddha.
Cale: That was Zen; this is Tao.
[The sound of many groans and forehead slaps fills the air.]
Cale: Here's some more one-liners. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Anubis: (begging) Stop, please.
Cale: (pausing thoughtfully) Mia... what do you believe in?
Mia: (without hesitation) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
Cale: Yeah, and Sekhmet does whatever his Rice Crispies tell him to.
Sekhmet: (resentful) I do not!
Kento: (thoroughly peeved with his co-host) Cale, you always do this! I should replace you! That's it! This show is over.. NOW!
[Run end credits and theme then fade.]