Episode Two
[The lights come up slowly, go down quickly, come back up even slower, go back down quickly (again), then are slammed back up so hard the sliders almost break off the lightboard.]
Rowen: Dammit, Yuli! How many times have I told you not to touch the lightboard?! (whaps boy upside the head)
Yuli: (plaintively with big, watery, puppy dog eyes) ...sorry...
Mia: (real peeved like, hands on hips) Rowen!
Rowen: (embarrassed) ...sorry...
[Camera focuses on a bright orange couch but only co-host guy is there. He looks around but can't find host guy.]
Cale: Where is Kento? This is HIS show...
Ryo: (off camera) Well, you're just going to have to do it without him.
Cale: I can't do that! I need a co-host. This is a two person show.
Ryo: (thinking) Um...
[Focus on guy that hurries onto soundstage, tripping and landing on his face in the rush.]
Kento: (pushing himself back to his feet and sitting on his end of the couch) Hello and welcome to this second ever episode of "Guy Talk." (hacks and spits a wad of saliva and mucus off the side of the set) I'm your host, Kento Fung.
Cye: (off camera, as the wad lands near his foot) Oh, that's disgusting!
[Focus on stunned face of co-host.]
Ryo: (off camera) Cale, you're on!
Cale: OH! And I'm your co-host, Cale... Smith.
Kento: (giving co-host a double thumbs up off camera) All right! You remembered!
[Switch to focus on both.]
Cale: (looking at host) Today we have a very special guest, don't we, Ken?
Kento: Indeed we do, Cale. Please welcome to "Guy Talk" the man that brought it all together - the Ancient. (stands, as does co-host, to greet the guest guy)
Ancient: Thank you, thank you. (shakes hands with host and co-host, then sits in the middle of the couch) And, please, just call me Bob.
Kento: (smiling wide enough that he looks like he's going to explode) It's nice to have you here, ...Bob.
[Focus on co-host who's fallen off the couch in a massive attack of giggles, snorts, wheezes, and chuckles.]
Cale: BOB! He said...gasp!...BOB!
[Switch back to host and guest guy.]
Kento: (sheepishly) Sorry about that.
Ancient (Bob??): That's all right. Happens a lot.
Kento: (looking at director) Okay. (looking at camera) We'll be right back to talk with... Bob... after this message from one of our sponsors.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys at the kitchen table, full cereal bowls in front of them and a cereal box off to the side. The box reads - "Frosted Chocolate Youja Crisps - With Marshmallows!"}
Cye: (takes a bite) Mmmmmmmm! These sure are good!
Rowen: (lifts a spoonful, eyes pop open wide and mouth drops open in excitement) Wow! I got a marshmallow Talpa head!
Cye: (just as excited) Wow! Cool! Can I see?
Talpa: (steps into left side of camera shot) Frosted Chocolate Youja Crisps. So good...
{Another guy runs in, whacks two guys at the table on the head with a frying pan}
Sage: (triumphantly waving the frying pan) YES! (spies big bad evil guy) AH HA! (runs at big bad evil guy)
Talpa: (grabs frying pan from blond guy, whacks him over the head and turns back to camera) So good, they're evil. Now available with marshmallow shapes.
{Parting shot of blond guy lying unconscious on the floor, stars and birdies floating around his head.}
[Fade back to show.]
Cale: So, how many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Ancient (Bob??): Hmmm. I don't know. How many?
Cale: Depends. What do you want it changed in to? (grins) Oh! If a witch lives at the beach, is she a sandwitch? (laughs)
Kento: (frowning at co-host) Thank you, Cale. Now, let's move onto our first topic of discussion. Anc... I mean, Bob, would you please tell us what that topic is?
Ancient (Bob??): Of course, Kento. Today's first topic on "Guy Talk" is icky, ooky, creepy, crawly things.
Cale: (confused) Wait! We're devoting an entire segment to Dais and Sekhmet??
[Much snickering occurs from all over the set at the comment.]
Dais and Sekhmet: (off camera) HEY!!
Kento: (looking at director) Again? (looking at camera) Looks like we'll have to get started when we get back from this next break.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see two guys face to face in heated, guy-to-guy, armed combat.}
Anubis: (looking very adamant and holding his kusari-gama at the ready) But I love you, man!
Ryo: You're still not getting my armor.
{Both guys pause and look around as if waiting for something.}
Anubis: Isn't this where Sage would usually come in and whack us with that stupid frying pan?
Ryo: Yeah. Where is he?
Rowen: (off camera) He's still out. I think Talpa hit him a little too hard.
Talpa: (off camera, defensive) It's not as if I meant to do that!
Ryo: Well, who's going to take his place then?
Cye: (off camera, excited) I will!
Anubis: Then have at, Fishy!
{Then another not-blond guy rushes onto the set and whacks both fighting guys on the head with a frying pan.}
Cye: *ahem* What does Sage say here? (flips through script quickly) Oh, yes... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'VE STOPPED THE STUPIDITY!
{And the not-blond guy runs off camera, frying pan in hand}
[Fade back to show.]
Cale: So, there's these two nuns and they're driving down a dark deserted road in Transylvania. Suddenly a big, scary vampire jumps out in front of them. One nun turns to the other and says, "Quick, show him your cross!" The other nun rolls down her window, leans out, and says, "Get out of the way, you toothy git!" (grins)
Cye: (giggling) Oh, now that's funny!
Cale: Mmmm! Here's one for you, Rowen. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Rowen: (baffled) I don't know. How many?
Cale: A fish.
Rowen: (falls over laughing)
[All of the other guys have 'huh?' looks on their faces at this point.]
Kento: Cale, can we just get on with the show?
Cale: Sure. Let's.
[Before the host can get any further, the co-host is bowled over off the couch as snake guy and spider guy suddenly tackle him.]
Cale: Get off me!!
[Much fisticuffs ensues, bringing oni guy, fire guy, not-blond guy, brainy guy, big bad evil guy, and Bob (??) into the fray.]
Kento: (sighing resignedly) Sorry folks. Doesn't seem as if we're going to get to the topic of the day again. What can ya do with these guys? (gestures to the big, roiling mass of guys. *author's note: I would gladly take Talpa's place in THAT mass of guys!*)
[Host then jumps into the mess and begins pummeling away.]
Yuli: Gee, those guys sure do fight a lot, don't they?
Mia: (whaps boy upside the head) Shut up, Yuli.
[Run end credits and theme then fade out.]