Episode Thirteen
Note: Um, F-W-a-G episode #9!
Rowen: (singing) I'd like to be... under the sea... in an octopus's garden in the shade...
Cye: (blinks) Don't you think that song might be a bit more subject-appropriate for me?
Rowen: (frowns) I started singing it first. Besides, you can sing the other one.
Cye: Other one?
Rowen: Yeah.
Cye: Which "other one" are you talking about?
Rowen: (frustrated sigh) Oh come on! Don't you know? The other one that Ringo wrote!
Cye: You mean "Yellow Submarine"?
Rowen: Yeah. You can sing that one. (starts singing another song)
Cye: Can I sing "Octopus's Garden" now that you're not?
Rowen: No. I already claimed that one.
Cye: (exasperated rolling of eyes)
Mia: Let's get going, guys!
[The lights are slowly raised and we see a brand new, ugly, pumpkin orange couch. Host and co-host are standing one to either side. Focus on host.]
Sage: (off camera) Why must I be taunted about the pumpkin thing?! Would someone please tell me?! What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?!
Kento: (serious, reserved expression, ignoring blond guy) Hello, and welcome to "Guy Talk," the show for guys by guys-
Mia and Kayura: (off camera, cough meaningfully in way that promises pain)
Kento: (smoothly) -and a couple of chicks. I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (just as serious and reserved as host) And I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Kento: We'd like to take a brief moment of silence and dedicate it to our old couch right now... so, if you'd all please join in?
[All bow heads for a period of one second.]
Cale: All right! (grins) Let's get this sucker started!
Kento: Indeed! (rolling the "R") Bring on the guest!!
Cale: (stands, yanks host to feet) We'd like you all to welcome the lovely authoress Lilly!!
Lilly: (sweeps grandly onto set, bows slightly) Douzo yoroshiku onnagaishimasu.
Everyone: (blink, blink, blink)
Kento: (sweatdrop) Uh... heh... I'm sorry... Didn't understand any of that. Seems we all gave up Japanese when we agreed to be dubbed.
Lilly: (ponders momentarily) ...oh.
[Host, guest, and co-host take their seats on springy new couch.]
Kento: (smirking) This couch rocks. Awesome rebound...
Cale: (sniffs appreciatively) I think it'll work. Where did we find this thing?
Sekhmet: (off camera) It's safer for everyone if we don't tell you.
Ryo: (off camera) Yeah. Much safer.
Kento: Eh... let's move on. (turns to guest) So, Lilly, what first got you into the show? Ronin Warriors, that is.
Lilly: My younger brother was channel surfing and, since he was ten at the time Ronin Warriors first aired on our Fox station, he stopped on anything remotely related to violence, loud booms, crashes, people being flung into buildings, and Japanese animation.
Sekhmet: (off camera) Heh... my kinda kid.
Lilly: So, of course, he stopped on Ronin Warriors. I sat down and said, "Whoa, who're the babes?" - astute readers will recognize a variation of this as the first line of my never-ending fic. (smiles) Once Anubis - or Shuten, if you prefer - showed on the scene, I was completely and totally hooked. Us redheads have to stick together. (flips her own long red locks)
Cale: (frowning because - once again - there's really no need for him to ask this question, monotone) Just who exactly is your favorite character and why?
Lilly: Well, as one could assume from my previous answer, I'd have to say Anubis. Tall, pale, and redheaded...what more could a woman ask for?
Sage: (off camera) That's an easy one. Me!
Rowen: (off camera) Shut up, Blondie.
Sage: (off camera) Get a life, Smurf.
Lilly: (blinks at exchange between blond guy and brainy guy, then continues) Also, I love a man in power. Leader of the Warlords is high ranking enough for me. Oh oh!! And "Quake with Fear" has me quaking with something other than fear, but we just won't go there. And the hat look, with the robes, a man who looks good in pants or a skirt always ranks high in my book.
Anubis: (off camera, blushes) Aw man... I'm not really that good looking, am I? (turns to brainy guy)
Rowen: (off camera) Why are you asking ME?!
Kento: Oookay, guys... whatever. (looks at guest) If you could give any one of us a makeover, who would it be and why?
Lilly: In jest, it would have to be Anubis. I mean, after being dead for so long, he'd have to look pretty bad. I know I'm pale enough to pass for a corpse on a bad day, but hey, at least I haven't decomposed.
Anubis: (off camera) I'm dead?
Ryo: (off camera) Yeah. Remember all that crap at the end of the series with Kayura?
Anubis: (off camera) OH!! Oh yeah. I remember now.
Lilly: (grins at off camera silliness, continues) But I would like to see what Sage would look like without all the hair care styling products... kind of "au naturale"... or maybe Ryo neat and clean for once.
Ryo: (off camera) HEY!! What do you mean by that?!
Lilly: No, Ryo. We're not going there.
Kento: I'll tell ya where we're goin'! We're going to a commercial. We'll be right back.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see three guys sitting on a bench at a bus stop. A bus stops, then rolls on, and we see only two guys sitting on the bench.}
Rowen: (frowns in confusion) Hey, Ryo?
Ryo: (looks at brainy guy) Wha...?
Rowen: Didn't we need to get on that bus with Sekhmet?
Ryo: (scrunches face in thought) We did, didn't we?
{As brainy guy opens mouth to speak, blond guy walks up behind bench and whacks him with the infamous frying pan. Brainy guy blinks then collapses forward off of bench and out of scene, unconscious. Fire guy watches this, turns with nervous smile to see blond guy twirling pan with questioning gaze.}
Ryo: Eh... can I just lay on the ground and pretend you whacked me?
Sage: Now, Ryo, where's the fun in that? (whacks fire guy, watches him collapse, leaves set smugly)
[Fade back to show... where almost everyone is running around poking at each other with sticks and making pirate sound effects.]
Cale: (waving his stick - or cutlass, if you ask him - above his head, standing on back of couch) Har, me mateys!! Take the lassies and tie them up to the mast!!
Yuli: Lassies? We have dogs here?
Talpa: (grinning) Yeah! Three of 'em!
Mia, Kayura, and Lilly: What was that, Talpa??
Bob: (snickering, to big bad evil guy) Hee hee hee... you're in trouble now!!
[The three chicks snatch up their own "weapons" and begin battering away at big bad evil guy. The guys continue their fun.]
Cye: (one of two guys not involved in game) Everyone!! Calm down!! It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye, you know!!
Dais: (the other guy not involved) Yeah! I had to learn that the hard way!!
[Group suddenly calms at this proclamation and returns to their places.]
Mia: (quietly to guest - who's trying to fix her hair) Need any help with that?
Lilly: (glances at Mia) Please don't touch my hair. Your style hasn't changed since the eighties and I kind of like my hair the way it is, thank you very much. Why don't you go play with Sage? I'm sure he'd love some help getting all of that mousse and gel and hairspray off of his head before I come and give him his makeover.
Sage: (slips onto set, kneels before guest, smiles) Would you go out with me?
Lilly: Are you tall, pale, and redheaded?
Sage: (frowns questioningly)
Lilly: Well, I'll give you the tall and pale - (attempts to run fingers through blond guy's hair but the vast amount of hairspray necessary to hold his coif prevents her from getting very far. pulls her hand back and shakes it in mild revulsion) - but that's about it. Best try your luck with one of the other writers.
Sage: (blinks, still frowning)
Yuli: (peeks over back of couch) Would you like a marshmallow?
Lilly: Why, thank you. (accepts one, sticks it on the end of Sage's nose) One step towards your makeover, Blondie. (giggles)
Sage: (pops marshmallow into mouth and walks off set, shaking his head)
Kento: Shall we get back to REAL questions, people?
Cale: Let's. Okay, Lilly, keeping in mind that this could never ever really happen, which of us armor bearers do you think stands the best chance of defeating Talpa singlehandedly, and why?
Lilly: Hm, have to ponder this one for a moment. (ponders) Probably Sekhmet. I can see him getting rather miffed at all the attention you other Warlords were garnering and just letting loose and offing Talpa. The quiet ones are always the ones to distrust the most. We're so quiet because we're always plotting something. (grins evilly)
Sekhmet: (off camera) Aaaaawwww yeeeeeeeaaaaaah...
Dais: (off camera) Give it up, snake-boy. You're just not as cool as you think you are. Me, on the other hand-
Sage: (off camera, whacks spider guy with pan, shrugs when everyone looks at him) Okay, so it wasn't a commercial. I just couldn't take any more of that. Excuse me.
Rowen: (off camera) Hey, Lilly! What's your opinion on original characters? Do you like them or do they suck?
Lilly: Well, I would have to say that if an original character is written well and doesn't take the spotlight from the others, she or he could be an asset to the plot line. After all, Rhiannon/Raine is an original.
Rowen: (off camera) Ah.
Lilly: But I've always wondered at people's severe distaste of even well-written originals. When writing a fic, I would think an original would be important, at least an original evil. Unless one has an intense desire to rewrite the show and explore a different direction, what's left to do?
Rowen: (off camera) That's true...
Lilly: But in the case of "Mary Sues" where a new character comes in and totally takes over and we never hear from the Ronins or Warlords again other than to say how they've fallen madly in love with the original, then I'd have to say they suck a lot.
Mary Sue: (off camera, lower lip begins to quiver, big sparkly eyes get watery, she bawls and runs from the studio) WAH!!
Ryo: (off camera, raises one brow) How'd she get in here?
Sage: (off camera) Yes, I'd really like to know how she got past security.
Kento: Eh, what security?
[Much smacking of foreheads and sayings of "D'oh!"]
Cale: (clears throat) Speaking of fics, what do you think of the resurrection-of-Anubis phenomenon? Should he stay dead or do you like him being brought back to life?
Lilly: You mean he's really dead? (tears well up in eyes)
Anubis: (off camera) Don't cry! I'm right here.
Lilly: (grins) I know. (returns to answering question) Honestly, I like him either way. If he's mentioned only to say that he's dead or he plays a part as a "spirit guide" type of thing or he's never mentioned or he never died or he's brought back to life, I like it anyway. As long as the fic is written well, I read it. Personally, I've gone both ways. In my never-ending untitled work, I don't plan to kill him in the first place... at least not yet. Ask me again in a couple of weeks after I've tried to get chapter whateveritis out and I may have changed my mind.
Anubis: (off camera) She wouldn't really kill me... would she?
Cye: (off camera) Anubis, you never know with these fic writers. You just never know...
Lilly: But in my tribute, I killed him, left him dead, and then reflected upon it. The only thing I don't like are hokey resurrections. They suck almost as much as bad original characters.
Kento: Ah, yes. That reminds me. We'll be right back after this message.
[Fade to commercial.]
White Blaze: (off camera) Rrrrrrrrrreeeerrraaoooor? (trans: Would you scratch behind my ears?)
Lilly: (off camera) Of course. Why don't you come and sit up here on the couch with me and keep me warm? (tigger hops up) I have a dog at home, although she's not quite as large as you are. She also makes a guest appearance in my fic, although her fic self is much more intelligent than her real self. Sometimes I wonder if she has a brain at all of if she if just a nose with four legs to carry it around. Also a mouth to consume any type of food she can possibly find. Actually, come to think of it, if it smells good, whatever good is to a dog, she'll eat anything that's not nailed down... (rambles on incessantly)
{In a weird, mad scientist sort of lab, we see three guys - one in a white lab coat with wild blue hair, another in grungy rags and hunched over walking with a limp, and the third lying under a sheet on a strange looking table.}
Rowen: (as the mad scientist) Come, Sekhmet! My work is almost complete!! Let us ready the equipment before the storm passes!
Sekhmet: (as the hunchback lackey, rubs at an ear) Must you yell everything, Master? I'm not deaf, y'know.
Rowen: Oh... never mind, then. It was just for the effect.
Sekhmet: Ah... so, is it time to throw the switch yet?
Rowen: Uh... (scratches head, lightning flashes outside of window) Yeah, I guess so.
Sekhmet: (limps to other side of lab, grabs massive power switch and pulls it down to connect)
{The scene blanks out as massive amounts of electricity fill the room. Visibility returns, brainy guy and snake guy blinking like crazy.}
Sekhmet: Man! I can't see anything!!
Rowen: Neither can I...
{Guy on the table under sheet rises to sitting position}
Rowen: (blinks a few more times, pulls sheet from sitting guy) IT'S ALIVE!! ALIVE!!
Anubis: (sitting on table) Damn... talk about hokey resurrections...
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (off camera, stands blinking and stupefied, pan hanging limply in his hand)
Cye: (off camera) Would you like me to carve a statue of you from a block of cheese?
Lilly: Oh, I never thought of having a cheese statue of myself done. Whatever makes you happy, little fishy. And rest assured, unless my dog eats it, it won't ever be demolished due to some cheese craving. I'm lactose intolerant.
Dais: (off camera) Do you think Sage could put on a Tinkerbell costume and pull it off?
Sage: (off camera) HEY!! What kinda question is that?!
Lilly: (ignores blond guys) One word: Yes. Oh, a couple more words: If you get him into the outfit, I want to see it... and I want to take a picture.
Kayura: Is it true that you spent an entire night plotting with Sage and Rowen to take over the world?
Lilly: (glares at blond guy and brainy guy) PINKY!! BRAIN!! NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT!!
Rowen: (off camera) Heh... guess which one I am!
Sage: (off camera, thwaps brainy guy)
Lilly: Honestly, we weren't going to kill anyone, we just wanted something to do. It was cold, wet, and rainy outside, nothing good was on television, Anubis didn't want to be resurrected to keep me company, the two of them (points at blond guy and brainy guy) were irritable - all you yaoi writers get your minds out of the gutters**, I only read that stuff on my off hours - and it turned out to be kind of fun. We didn't really go through with it, or else... well, I'd better not say...
Sekhmet: (slips on set) Do you think I can borrow your... uh... thingamijigger?
Lilly: Will it help you to defeat the evil Talap?
Sekhmet: Eh?
Lilly: Of course. (roots through her ever-present purse and hands him a maxi pad. glances at host, co-host, and others - who are staring at her strangely) Okay, so I've spent just a little too much time reading Jink's "The Maxi From Beyond." I'd like to see what she'd do with you all up here. I'd also like for her to finish her story, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.
Kento: Hold it, everyone!! That's enough. This thing's gettin' just a little outta hand here!!
Talpa: (off camera, walks in from dressing room area wearing Travolta-esque Saturday Night Fever white suit and accessories) So, how do I look?
Lilly: (grins) Ah ah ah ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive! (dives under couch)
[Authoress' little sister runs in from out of nowhere.]
Annie: (screaming) JOHN TRAVOLTA!! I LOVE YOU!!
Lilly: (from under couch) Quick, everyone! Run for cover!!
Kento: (frowning) I guess that's our show for today. See you all next time.
[Run end credits and theme then fade as everyone scatters.]
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** - But the gutters are so fun! ...says the yaoi writer... ^_~