"Guy Talk"

By Tinkerhell the Evil Fairy

Episode Fourteen

Note: Watch out... this one's scary... F.W.a.G. eps #10! Notice the return of an old commercial (with a new twist)... one of my personal faves. ^_^

Cale: (looks around studio to make sure he's alone, clears throat, begins singing) It was an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini that Sage wore for the first time today! An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow pol--

[Suddenly, a frying pan flies out of nowhere to slam into back of co-host's head, laying him out flat over the set floor.]

Cale: (lying face down on floor) ooooOOooooOOOhhh... @_@

[From the darkness of backstage, blond guy comes stalking out.]

Sage: (frowns down at konked co-host) They weren't yellow polka dots, baka. They were green. (stalks off into backstage/dressing room area)

Mia: Get your rears in gear, guys! Time's a wastin'!

All Guys (except blond guy): (quickly and promptly, saluting) Sir! Yes, sir!

Mia: Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny, guys.

[The lights are brought up and we see on the insanely orange couch the host and co-host. Focus on host.]

Kento: Hello and welcome to another fun-filled-

Ryo: (off camera) You mean CREAM-filled!

Kento: (glares at fire guy) FUN-filled episode of Guy Talk. I am your host, Kento Fung.

[Focus on co-host.]

Cale: (still a bit out of sorts, not quite looking at camera) An' ahm yer co-hos', Caaaaaale Smif...

Rowen: (off camera, snickers) Smif...

Kento: (frowning) Sage, I think you really did him (jerks thumb at Cale, even though blond guy isn't around to see or hear) a good one. Anyone wanna take his place?

Cale: (turns in host's general direction) No! I c'n do't, Ken. I can, I can, I can! (tries to find a camera, over-enunciates words to be understood) Shall we bring out our latest guest?

Kento: Sounds like a good idea. People, lets give a round warm of applause for-

Dais: (off camera) A round warm? (grins and chuckles)

Kento: (sticks tongue out at spider guy) You know what I meant, dipwad. Let's get her out here and talking... please welcome to the show Aleksa!

[Before guest can enter onto the set, psycho chick bolts across set snickering her head off. She is quickly followed by a strangely clad blond guy.]

Sekhmet: (off camera, laughing hysterically) Well now, Sage... we all knew you were a fairy. You didn't have to go quite so far to prove it, though.

Sage: (in center of set) No no no, Sekhy, my sweet snake! I am not the one you know as Sage! I am... Tinkersage and you all shall refer to me as such!! (flounces about in a short skirted, apple green pixie dress with little shimmery pixie wings while waving around his "magic wand"... aka the frying pan)

Kento: (apparently immune to the silly sight) Yeah, okay, whatever you say, Tinky Winky. Just get your skinny little butt off my stage.

Tinkersage: (whirls about on host) That's Tinkersage, Lumpo! (in true fairy fashion, fairy guy whirls about again and prances off set)

Cale: (to someone off camera) You can come out now, Aly!

Aleksa: (blinks and makes her way toward couch) That was scary. (grins as host takes one hand and co-host the other, waggles brows as they in the most gentlemanly of manners help her to sit elegantly upon the fabulously orange couch) Why, thank you, guys. Man, I could get used to that.

Kento: Let's dive right on in to the questions! Aly, what first got you into the show? You know I mean Ronin Warriors, not this travesty of a talk show, right?

Aleksa: Wow. Your vocabulary sure has increased. Anyway, I was held at gunpoint and forced to watch it! (grins as everyone looks dubiously at her) No, seriously. My brother is a total anime freak and he really got me into the show. Every single day he'd watch it and I would just groan and go out to a friends' or somethin' like that. Then one day, he grabbed a Super Soaker and kept it trained on me so I'd sit and watch it with him!

Sekhmet: (off camera) Heh. I like the kid already.

Kayura: (off camera, to snake guy) Geez. You're so flippin' violent.

Aleksa: (ignores exchange between snake guy and psycho chick) Thing is, after approximately ten seconds, Sage came on the screen and I was hooked! After that, I watched more religiously than my brother!

Tinkersage: (off camera) HA!! I am groovy to the extreme! I rule! (pauses) By the way, Aly, that's Tinkersage. (slips onto stage, plants himself at guest's feet) Say... would you go out with me?

Aleksa: (blinks at fairy guy) Mmm... lemme think about that. (looks pensive) No.

Tinkersage: (confuzzled) Whyever not?

Aleksa: (ticks off reasons on fingers) Number one, you aren't my Ro-chan and I could never betray my love for him.

Rowen: (off stage, blinks, mutters) Why was I not informed that I would be having a rabid fangirl on the set today?

Aleksa: (continues bursting fairy guy's bubble) Number two, I hate guys who spend more time in the bathroom than I do. How much gel and hairspray does it take to do that, anyway? I bet I couldn't damage that mop with a sledgehammer!! (grabs frying pan from fairy guy and whacks him over head a few times, hair remains in place, but fairy guy is seeing little pans circling about head) Or a frying pan. Oh, and number three... (fairy guy looks up, dazed) I don't date magickal little fairies in frilly winged outfits unless I'm halfway through my third bag of Pixi Stix and at least a six-pack of Mountain Dew. No offense.

Tinkersage: (trying to blink away visions of dancing frying pans) None tak'n. I unnerstan' comple'ely. (stumbles off stage, slams into fire guy) Hey, Ryo... wanna make a wish?

Ryo: (off camera, frowns at muddled fairy guy) Sure. I wish you would get out of my face.

Tinkersage: (off camera) As you wish it, so shall it be! Alla kazaam, alla kazoo, and a bibbity bobbity boo! (konks fire guy over the head with "magic wand" and flounces dizzily off)

Ryo: (off camera, lying swirly-eyed on floor)

Kento: Um... I think we have time for one more question before we need to go to break. Cale?

Cale: (smiles like one who's been soundly konked, turns in to look toward guest... approximately, anyway, and again over enunciates) Just who is your favorite character and why?

Rowen: (off camera) I think we already know the first part.

Aleksa: (happy as a little clam) Ro-chan!! I LOVE my Ro-chan! He is SO hot, and SO smart, and NOTHING beats an archer with electric blue hair!

Rowen: (off camera, looks for place to hide)

Aleksa: At first I liked Ryo.

Ryo: (off camera, still lying on floor) WOOHOO!!

Aleksa: That passed after two episodes.

Ryo: (off camera) Ah man!! Denied!

Aleksa: Then I loved Sage... excuse me, Tinklebutt-

Tinkersage: (off camera) That's TINKERSAGE!

Aleksa: Whatever. Ooh, Sage! He was so sexy and mysterious. And his hair! How much time can a person spend in the bathroom? Especially when they're battling the evil forces of the Dynasty on a daily basis?! But then, the more and more I watched, the more and more I knew that Rowen was destined to be mine!

Rowen: (off camera, immensely frightened) Help me, but, dear god, I think I'd rather have Kit here...

Aleksa: (continues aimless babbling) He's too perfect for me! I love blues, especially dark crystally, his hair is da bomb, his hair is da BOMB, we're both archers, and he makes for the most adorable sugar addict! Have you ever seen a cooler hairdo? You don't get to answer that, Tinklebutt!

Tinkersage: (off camera) TINKERSAGE!

Aleksa: (sticks out tongue at fairy guy) And we both have the same sleeping habits, and he's the thoughtful, quiet type - I'm totally into the thoughtful, quiet type - but he can still have fun and go crazy - my strong suit is having fun and going crazy - and he's SO DAMN FINE!!

Kento: Okay, now we really have to take that commercial break. (looks pleadingly at director as guest appears ready to continue scaring the living daylights out of brainy guy with her fangirl ways)

[Fade to commercial.]

{We see two guys and a chick at the kitchen table, full cereal bowls in front of them and a cereal box off to the side. The box reads - "New & Improved!! Frosted Chocolate Youja Crisps - With All New Marshmallow Shapes!"}

Cye: (takes a bite) Mmmmmmmm! These are so good!

Rowen: (lifts his spoon full of the crunchy cereal, his eyes pop open wide and his mouth open in excitement) Oh cool! I got a Badamon marshmallow!

Aleksa: (just as excited in front of her own bowl) Wow! Cool! I wanna see!!

Talpa: (steps into left side of scene) I order you to try the New & Improved Frosted Chocolate Youja Crisps. So good...

{Fairy guy is seen sneaking onto set, whacks two guys at the table over the head with a frying pan}

Tinkersage: (smirks deviously and again lifts frying pan as he spots big bad evil guy) Heh heh heh... (runs at big bad evil guy, frying pan raised above his head)

Aleksa: (peeved because blond guy took out brainy guy, snags pan from fairy guy's hands and waits for him to turn around)

Tinkersage: Eh? (turns to see what happened to his pan)

Aleksa: HA!! (slams pan over fairy guy's head and watches him drop to the floor, little birds and stars circling around his upturned face)

Talpa: (gives guest chick thumbs up) So good, they're evil.

{Parting shot of fairy guy lying unconscious on the floor, stars and birdies floating around his head.}

[Fade back to show.]

Cale: (finally back to normal) Well... that was scary.

Sekhmet: (off camera, to guest) Speaking of scary... what would I have to do to give you a massive case of the willies?

Aleksa: Well, Sekhy ol' boy, there are only few precious events which produce the desired "willies", as you say, the most prominent of which are: 1) A picture of you and a fellow Warlord, other than Kayura, covered in neon pink dye and making out, 2) If I were to wake up and see you laying, butt-naked, next to me - although that might not be so bad... - and 3) If you were to bleach your hair, dress up in drag and start hitting on Ryo... that would definitely give me a major case of the willies!

Sekhmet: (off camera, grins and looks at Ryo)

Ryo: (off camera, still lying on floor) Don't you even think about it, snake boy.

Cale: I think I'll ask the next question, thank you, guys. (turns to guest) Which ability would you rather have? A) The ability to change the channel on the TV without getting up or using a remote. B) The ability to drive a madman sane with a single word. Or C) the ability to bring peace, love, and happiness to the world... of salad?

Aleksa: (in all seriousness) Are B-rated horror flicks pertinent to the quadratical equation for muffins? (gets many blank looks) Then I would have to say this: Madmen have no place being sane in a world where Clinton is in office and Kevorkian isn't free to invoke repulsion in the general public, and the world of salad has no desire to cease committing genocide against croutons, bombing raddichio metropoli with blue cheese, or understand why Richard Simmons spends all of his time with humongous women when he is so obviously spanking monkeys not his own. (pauses a moment to catch her breath) These being true statements, I would have to say that I would be honored to change my television set's channel on a mere whim minus the excruciating exercise of pressing buttons despite the fact that television programming these days is worth cruddle. A, Mr. Smith.

[silence fills the studio... except for the sound of many pairs of eyes blinking stupidly. after a moment, the brat inches his way onto the stage.]

Yuli: (to guest) What's your most favorite thing in the world?

Aleksa: (quickly) Those things which have absolutely nothing to do with you, or the thought of Rowen in the sentence "Pretty pretty please with nekkid Ronins, whipped creams, and two cherries for each one on top??"

Rowen: (off camera, cringes lower behind stack of equipment) Help me...

Kento: (clears throat, grins evilly) Y'know, I really think that our buddy Ro should ask a question. What do you think, Cale?

Cale: (also grinning) Why, Kento... what a fabulous idea. Rowen?

Rowen: (off camera, still hiding) NO!! That chick is psycho!!

Kayura: (off camera) Excuse me, Smurf boy, that's my title. (pokes at brainy guy) C'mon, just ask her one question. That's all that's being asked of you.

Rowen: (off camera, peeks over edge of equipment) Um... do you think that if the world were a big, dark ball of goo, that a person could spend all of their life sucking mushy bananas through a straw?

Aleksa: (pensive again) Well, Rowen, my dear, mon cher, koibito, darling-

Rowen: (huddles on floor, curled up in a protective little ball)

Aleksa: -that is an excellent question. To answer this, we must first answer the most important question of all: If a gigantic spider, dressed in drag, is crawling up your wall singing "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" and doing the tango with Mr. Pibbleworth, your pet slug, is it incantatiously a metaphor?

Ryo: (off camera) I don't see what this has to do with anything, but I doubt that would really-

Aleksa: (interrupts) No, Ryo, Ye Ole Flambatious One, that is quite repugnant, for as you see, gigantic spiders do not perform the tango for others.

[cut to quick black and white film of spider guy dancing the tango with a stuffed slug doll in front of a large crowd]

Dais: (off camera) Hey!! That's not funny!

Aleksa: (continues oblivious to snickering around her) They don't enjoy the romanticism it incurs, nor do they like music which strays from the strict path of Roman Catholic flamenco blues with a reggae twist.

Anubis: (off camera) Huh... sounds like mixed drink...

Aleksa: Since "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts", deedleedee, is not a form of Roman Catholic Flamenco blues with a reggae twist,-

Bob: (off camera) You're right... that does sound like a mixed drink.

Aleksa: -the answer to Rowen's question would be that you cannot spend all of your life sucking mushy bananas through a straw if the world is a big, dark ball of goo because to do that you would first be required to be a major hottie and to make wild, passionate love to the last surviving descendant of the Clan of Ancients while whistling Dixie. Since Kayura is, thus far, without the brain to do such a thing to a halfway cute individual, the sky will not rain black snot, and you'll never get the chance to suck mushy bananas through a straw ever again.

Rowen: (off camera, frightened out of his wits) I'm going home now.

Cye: (pounces brainy guy) No!! You're not going anywhere until this is over. Everybody has to survive this torture to the bitter end!

Kento: Indeed. Next question, anyone?

Tinkersage: (off camera, flitters about like good little fairies do)

Mia: (off camera, blinks at fairy guy) I've got one. Do you think we should send Sage-

Tinkersage: (off camera, sends evil glare Mia's way)

Mia: (off camera) *ahem* Do you think we should send Tinkersage to the funny farm?

Aleksa: And which farm would you be referring to, Ms. Koji?

Mia: (off camera, mutters) The one where we're going to put Sage for the rest of his life...

Tinkersage: (off camera, waves "magic wand" threateningly)

Aleksa: (continues as if not interrupted) Because if you want my experienced opinion, the average "Nut House", if you will, is far too gentle on the average "nutcase" in the nineties. They are sensitive to the needs of the residents, pay no heed to ranting nor raving, and have allowed me far too many escapes.

Rowen: (off camera, cowers as low to the floor as he can) Where's Kit when I need her? (whimpers)

Aleksa: In most situations, I'd recommend the farm Wilbur and Charlotte lived on or Fanny Farmer's farm over the typical, modern day Psych Ward of a hospital. Also, if you say that to insinuate that Sage is somewhat off his rocker-

Tinkersage: (pirouettes across the set whilst humming "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies")

Aleksa: -you are mistaken.

Kento and Cale: (fall over)

Aleksa: I am off my rocker. In fact, I have fallen off several. Sage is simply the product of parents who dress their wussy young sons in drag to impress the neighbors with their charming young "daughters". Anyone else see the remarkable difference in that?

Kento: Say... how would you finish this? As potatoes are to the world of tubers, so Rowen is to the world of *blank*. And why is this statement true?

Aleksa: Skateboarding. If you don't know why, you have a serious mental disability. But, as I'm feelin' nice today, I guess I'll explain it to you all. (pauses dramatically) You see, the reason potatoes do not go tubing is because they sit on couches all day and don't realize how much they'd like or even excel at tubing. The same applies to my darling Ro-chan. If only he were to ditch his romance novels for a day, he could go skateboarding and realize that his hair is that color for a very good reason.

Cale: (nods at director) Sure. Um, we'll be right back after this quick message.

[Fade to commercial.]

{We see one guy and one chick sitting on the top step of a stoop, cars zipping past on the street. Zoom in to frame guy and chick.}

Cye: (holds up plate of homemade chocolates all shaped like fish) Would you like some? (munches down a couple)

Aleksa: Thank you, my dear fishstick. I'd love one, but I'm a vegetarian and I don't eat meat. Unlike stupid individuals who don't care about the effects of overgrazing, deforestation, the Karmic Law, their health, or money wasted on the entire ordeal, I prefer to-

Cye: (blinks and frowns) It's chocolate.

Aleksa: What? It's chocolate? Why didn't you say so?!

Cye: I just did.

Aleksa: Of course I'd like one! (snatches a chocolate) Actually, gimme five! (snatches some more) Wait, no - ten! (snatches yet more chocolates) Ah, hell, gimme 'em all! (empties plate and stuffs face, then in chocolate-muffled voice) Mmph! 'Ese're goooop! (grins, bits of chocolate clinging to her teeth)

{In flounces fairy guy. He waves pan in air, konks fish guy - who falls over unconscious, and moves on... still humming.}

Aleksa: (digs through fish guy's bag) Hey, Yummy Provider-type dude! (pokes at fish guy) Got any more?

[Fade back to show.]

Kento: Welcome back, everyone. Now, Aly, if you could be a cloud, what part of the world would you most like to visit a big hailstorm on?

Aleksa: (quickly) Flagstaff, Arizona. My cousin Andy lives there and he brags about the weather difference from there to Minnesota non-stop. He must be taught a lesson.

Cale: My turn! Allowing that Sage is a blond, do you think his suppression of emotion is what has caused him to take up his actions with that damn frying pan?

Aleksa: No.

Cale: Please elaborate?

Aleksa: First of all, I'm a natural blond, whether my mood-of-the-day attitude allows me to show it or not. Second, the reason Sage enjoys whacking you in the head with the frying pan so much is because it feels so damned good! Not to mention the inevitable event that people would come to believe that stupidity is rewarded with fame if it were not for Sage's wonderful job of performing a good head-whacking wherever one is called for.

[co-host barely manages to duck as the frying pan is flung from the far side of the studio at his head...only to be caught when the thing comes flying back to be caught smartly in fairy guy's waiting hand.]

Bob: (off camera) Oh my... that was interesting. How did you do that?

Aleksa: Yes, Bleach Boy, do tell. Bobra isn't the only one that'd like to know just how you did that.

Tinkersage: (off camera, holds up pan for everyone to see the "Made in Australia" sticker) New boomerang pan. (grins)

Anubis: (off camera) Hey, Aly... what song would you dedicate to your least favorite character?

Aleksa: I'd dedicate the Macarena to Yuli or any of the bad guys. That includes you Warlords when you were still evil.

Yuli: (off camera) Mia!! She said-

Aleksa: Don't worry about this, O Woman Without a Clue. I'll handle it while you go and find an outfit that didn't go out of style before the series first aired in Japan.

Mia: (off camera, huffs)

Aleksa: (turns to look at Yuli) Devil-child, Brat Boy, I wouldn't have to say stuff like that if you'd just act like a halfway decent human being for ten seconds straight!

Yuli: (off camera) Mia!!

Mia: (off camera, whaps brat upside head) Shut up.

Anubis: (off camera, clears throat) Um... can we get back to my question?

Aleksa: Sure, Red. (winks)

Anubis: (blushes) Well you answered the main part, but I'd also like to know why.

Aleksa: Why? Oh, that's just because it gets SOO damned old and annoying SOO fast that everyone exposed to them wishes they could just glue a pacifier to their lips and call it a millennium.

Dais: (off camera, waving hand in the air) Oh oh oh!! My turn, my turn! Aly, if you were given the chance to replace Mia or Kayura, which role would you choose?

Aleksa: Mia, duh! She lives with Rowen!! Not only does she have a mansion in Japan and live with five totally bodacious babes, but she LIVES with my RO-CHAN!! What more could I ask for in life? Beside the opportunity to drop Yuli from the peak of Mt. Fuji, that is.

Yuli: (off camera, opens mouth to whine)

Mia: (off camera, whaps brat upside head) Shut up.

Talpa: (slips on set, behind couch and guest) Did you ever fix that one thing?

Aleksa: (looks up at big bad evil guy) You mean the...? Nah. It still gave me crap after I tried some techno-karate on it, so I gift-wrapped it and gave it to my brother for his birthday! He acted thrilled, but I guarantee he's still trying to figure out what it does! (evil grin) I can't wait until he tries to use it and finds the sweet little surprise it has in store for him!! (both conspirators dissolve into hysterical laughter, leaving bewildered on-lookers to stare at them)

Kento: (scoots away from cackling guest and big bad evil guy) Eh, well, I think it's time to go now.

Cale: (also scoots away) Yeeeeeahhh... until next time, people. Live long and... um... don't pick your nose.

Kento: (digging deep into the reaches of one nostril, notices he's being watched, hurriedly yanks finger from nose) Uh... yeah. Later people...

[Run end credits and theme then fade as host turns to co-host]

Kento: I can't believe you said that!

Cale: Well I can't believe you were actually doing it!