Note: Eh, it's been awhile, I know. Blame it on other fics that demanded to be finished! (Got too many of 'em just started or to the halfway point!!) ^_^ Anyhoo, here's F-W-a-G eps #8!
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Rowen: Do we really have to do the opening shtick?
Booming Voice of Director: Well... I guess not.
Rowen: Cool. Let's get going, guys!
[Lights are brought up and we see the big, ugly orange couch stuffed from one end to the other (and on top of each other) all of the guys, the chicks, the brat, and (amazingly) the tigger. Couch collapses under the weight, lifting a massive, thick cloud of dust that obscures the whole scene.]
Ryo: Man! (coughs) When was the last time we cleaned this place?
Kento: (piteously) My couch...
Dais: (gnaws at lower lip for a second) ...I vote we replace it with loads of big, fluffy throw pillows!
Cale: (blinks) You're an idiot, Dais.
[Everyone somehow shoves their way off the broken couch. Couch is hefted off stage by Sekhmet and Ryo.]
Dais: (head cocked to side) Or how about beanbag chairs?
Cale: Sekhmet?
Sekhmet: (off camera) Yeah?
Cale: When you get back, would you beat the crap out of Dais for me?
Sekhmet: (off camera, flabbergasted) Why can't you do it?!
Cale: Because I have a thing against beating up stupid people.
Dais: (frowns at co-host) Fine! We're doing the throw pillows, then!
Everyone Else: (sigh as stage is suddenly filled with a cascade of throw pillows from the heavens)
Kento: (puts hand on co-host's shoulder) Cale, you forgot that he's in good with the boss, didn't you?
Cale: (groans and makes a face of disgust) I did.
[Host and co-host sit in approximate places on the LARGE mound of pillows. Everyone else hurries to their normal positions off camera.]
Kento: (clears throat, looks toward camera) Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Guy Talk." Please excuse the set... seems we had a bit of a problem. If you tuned in on time, you saw what happened. Anyhoo, I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (lounging comfortably now) And I'm your co-host, Cale Smith. (wiggles deeper into pillows) ...I think I like this...
Dais: (off camera) Told you it was a good idea!
Kento: Let's get our guest of the day out here, shall we?
Cale: Let's.
[Before host can begin introduction, a herald (short, skinny, about eleven, with short purple hair) pops into existence in the center of the set.]
Herald: (sounds trumpet) Announcing Protector, Guardian of All Things Ronin, Goddess of the Ronin Warriors RPG, Sensei of the Ancients! ...otherwise known as simply That Weird Elf Chick.
Kento: (muttering) I'm starting to hate guests...
Protector: (parades onto the set, blinkies cutely as herald falls over dead, sighs) Man, it's gonna be a real hassle to find a new one of those. (plops onto pillows between host and co-host with a grin) Ask me your questions, boys!
Kento: (blinks) We're just gonna get this over with real quick. What first got you into the show? Ronin Warriors or whatever you want to call it, not this (gestures around studio) thing.
Protector: Um, I had just walked my usual mile and a half home from high school to my house and was watching Conan the Adventurer - which had Michael Donovan, Sage and Cye for those that don't know, as Conan... I think... Or maybe it was Exosquad... which only had Michael Donovan in one episode but had Robbie Benson as the lead character voice, J.T. Marsh. (sighs dreamily) Anyway, all of a sudden after it, there popped up this show with this cute little Australian accented boy-
Cye: (off camera) Australian? I thought I was British in the American dub...
Rowen: (off camera) Oh, get over it. (switches to bad Aussie accent) And go throw me another shrimp on the barby!
Cye: (off camera, pounces and pummels brainy guy) You leave that poor, defenseless shrimp alone!!
Protector: (seeming to have missed the hubbub) -with these beautiful sideburns and gorgeous auburn hair and lovely eyes and I get hooked. And then I saw a gorgeous one-eyed, silver-haired evil man...
Dais: (off camera, zoned, blinks) She talking about me?
Protector: But all that was before the first time I saw my true love however... (focuses dreamy gaze on oni guy)
Sage: (sweeps onto the set, flops gracefully across the pillows to land with head rested on guest's lap) You must be talking about me. (gives guest sexy, flirty grin) Would you go out with me?
Protector: (stops gazing happily at oni guy - content to just be in his presence for now - long enough to raise half-amused eyebrow at blond guy) Despite your amazing ability to fall off skyscrapers upside-down and mysteriously not land on your head and your halfway spiffy lightsaber - which one of my friends insists you stole from Obi-Wan Kenobi - no.
Sage: (thoughful frown, lips a bit puckered) So... you weren't talking about me?
Protector: No.
[Blond guy rolls down mountain of pillows and off set, wondering who guest was speaking of.]
Cale: Okay... who's your favorite character and why?
Protector: (looks oddly at co-host wondering where a former guest is and why co-host and former guest aren't cuddling in the pillows - which, of course, make for good cuddling...) Don't you KNOW?? I thought everyone knew who my beloved, dearest, most wonderful man is... I have a whole harem of anime men, you know. Really I do. There's a webpage for it... (notices blank looks on host and co-host's faces) But my darling is at the top of it and ever shall be. (gazes over at oni guy again and smiles slightly) I love him with all my heart and have since the moment I saw his face and heard his voice...
Anubis: (off camera, gulps nervously and surreptitiously looks for quickest way out of the building)
Protector: Oh... (blushes and realizes she's staring) I guess I should just come out and say who it is, I guess... If you don't know by now, it's Oni MaSho Shuten Doji (gives expression of pure happiness), otherwise known as Anubis, Warlord of Cruelty. (gives oni guy look of "you can come be cruel to me any time you like, baby!", realizes she's doing it, blushes)
Anubis: (off camera, whispering) It's another one...
Rowen: (off camera, puts comforting hand on oni guy's shoulder) You're gonna be okay. She can't hurt you, buddy.
Protector: (continues undauntedly) I can't explain the way I feel about him, or why or how I fell... I have a natural proclivity for liking bad guys - especially ones who turn good - and Oni. I love Oni... and Ogres.
Everyone Else: (blink, try to figure out the difference between Oni and Ogre...)
Rowen: (off camera, finally getting it) Ah! One's Japanese... the other isn't. Simple, simple, simple.
Protector: The first episodes I saw with him were sixteen and seventeen, where Kaosu-
Bob: (off camera) That's Bob!
Protector: (sighs, corrects self) where BOB reveals his kanji and enlightens him... (giggles at her own horrible pun while everyone else winces or doesn't get it) Anyways, he has a gorgeous voice, and I have a HUGE weak spot for redheads, and long hair, and evil... Now, if he were just an elf and enslaved to me for all time, thing couldn't be more perfect. Except maybe if I were enslaved to him...
Kento: Uh, we really need to take a break now. We'll be right back.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see one guy and one chick sitting calmly against a plain white backdrop.}
Rowen: Pro, if you were forced to choose, which would you do? A) Jump up and down like a blithering idiot while trying to catch someone's attention in the middle of a snowy field wearing nothing but nail polish. B) Remove every hair on your body, one at a time, with a pair of old tweezers. Or C) Beat the hell outta me for asking this question.
Protector: (looks totally unfazed by the inaneness of brainy guy's question and immediately answers without thought) If the someone's attention was Shuten... I act enough like a blithering idiot around him already... I would do anything to have him close. Even put on nail polish. As for how well I could attract his attention... (looks down a bit, grinning and blushing) These attract enough attention clothed... I wouldn't have much trouble naked. (blushes again) Guys seem to love it when I jump up and down...
Rowen: (grins, hands guest bottle of nail polish) Get goin'! We've got the fake snow all set up and waiting for you!
{Mia stalks onto set with blond guy's frying pan)
Mia: (angrily) Rowen! I never ever would have expected this from you. Sage, yes. Ryo, maybe. You, never. (slams brainy guy with frying pan, escorts guest off of set)
[Fade back to show.]
Ryo: (off camera, swaying across the floor as he dances the rumba alone) Would you dance with me?
Protector: (trying very hard not to fall over laughing) Dance with you, Guilt Boy?? Oh gods no. You'd step on my foot or something and I'd never hear the end of your "I'm sorry's" and "it's all my fault" and "please forgive me"... Maybe Byakuen wants to dance? (snaps her fingers and makes sure that rose held between fire guy's teeth has plenty of thorns)
Ryo: (off camera, spits rose to the floor) OW!
Kento: How did you do that?
Protector: I didn't do anything. I swear! I was never there and I wasn't wearing Bob's robes when I did it. Really. Why are you staring at me like that?
Cale: So, Pro, who's your favorite original character and why? Yes, it can be anyone's original.
Protector: Really? (thinks) I don't know. Of course, I adore my namesake, Protector... and my other character, Zak Starduster. He's soooooooooooo deliciously evil... But I really don't want to pick one of mine, because it's unfair... I think I have two faves, both players in my RPG, and created by some of the most amazing fic writers. Unacera's Una - of course! - because, heck, she's just so damned cool! And Saendie's Alystere. (falls into fits of giggles) No one else could make getting abducted by wild fangirls to get their portrait painted so darn cute!
Cale: Um... Given that clouds reside in the sky and trees thrust their roots into the ground, would you say that Kento has any chance of getting a date before the end of the year?
Protector: Yes, actually. I know a friend and fellow fic writer who goes to school with me who would jump at the chance for a date with him.
Kento: (looking rather miffed that co-host asked that question) Given that the Earth is round-
Sekhmet: (off camera) It is?
Kayura: (off camera, whaps snake guy) Shhhhh!!
Kento: (starts over) Given that the Earth is round and White Blaze is a really big cat, would you say that Cale has any chance of surviving the pounding I'm going to give him for asking that last question?
Protector: Yes. The only thing that can do the Yami MaSho any real damage is Halo's lightsaber...
Sage: (off camera) It is not a lightsaber!!
Rowen: (off camera) Hey, Sage? Can I borrow you lightsaber? I wanna play Star Wars. Can you see me as Darth Maul? I think I'll be him next Halloween...
Protector: (ignores interruption) And if you harmed one hair on his head, I know a particular Archdruid who would see to it that you got quite a - as you put it - pounding.
Cale: (feeling smug, sticks tongue out at host)
Kento: (frowns at co-host momentarily) Which would you rather see? A) Kayura whacking Talpa upside the head for being a big meanie. B) Rowen talking the brat into believing he can fly and then pushing him off a tall building. Or C) Rowen admitting that he is indeed actually a Smurf in disguise.
Rowen: (off camera) ARGH!! Not another reference to me and Smurfs!!
Protector: (frowns darkly) None of the above. I'd like to see all of the Warriors and Warlords whacking Arago WITH Kayura... but not my cat. My cat Kayura's kinda cool. (stands and looks around for the traitorous *censored*) Is she here? If she is, I'll kill her! She hurt my beloved!! (storms off with fire in her eyes looking for psycho chick)
Kento: Eh... we'll be right back everyone.
[Fade to commercial.]
{We see three guys and one chick sitting at a table in an otherwise empty schoolroom-}
Rowen: GAH!! It's back! I thought we'd lucked out and she'd forgotten about the schoolroom bits!
Booming Voice of Director: Of course I haven't forgotten, you silly bird! I just haven't found a place for them recently.
{-obviously staying late to study.}
Cye: So, who starts this one?
Kayura: That's a good question.
Anubis: (pulls out script, flips) ...um... I do.
Rowen: I'm not asking the question?
Anubis: Nope. I am. Guess I should get this over with. (clears throat) Guys, what is the-?
{Guest pounces onto set.}
Protector: (glares at psycho chick before jumping her)
{Fisticuffs ensues, much dust is raised to obscure pummel-fest.}
[Fade back to show. Guest bounces onto set a moment later.]
Rowen: (off camera) Pro, if you were candy, what kind would you be and why?
Protector: (grins her evil wicked naughty grin, eyeing oni guy sneakily) I'd be a- (before she can say another word, and entire troop of DiC censors - fresh from hacking apart more Sailor Moon - rush her. They slap a piece of duct tape over her mouth and smack a big *CENSORED* sign over the screen. Muffled yelps and thumps follow)
|||||WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.|||||
[Return to show. Pillows are shredded and strewn everywhere. Where the duct tape was, guest's face is now a bright red square.]
Sage: (off camera) Damn... I got blood stains on my shirt. Stupid censors.
Rowen: (off camera) Would you do something about your sword? The blood is dripping all over the floor.
Protector: (looks miserable briefly, wishes oni guy would come kiss it and make it better, she brightens at the thought, and things continue)
Sekhmet: (slips onto stage, looks very sad and depressed) Would you give me a hug?
Protector: Of course! I love all of you, in my own way. (gives snake guy a big big hug - wishing a little that it was oni guy - then reaches up and pats his hair) You get such a bad rap. You're pretty cool. I love your surekill... all those lovely glistening swords! (pats his head again and cuddles him once)
Sekhmet: (grinning horribly) Oh Shuten!! You lose, baby!! Told you I could get a hug! Go pick your dress, we're going out tonight!
Anubis: (grunts in displeasure, grumbles his way back to the dressing rooms)
Protector: (not paying attention to this exchange, to snake guy) It's not your fault the silly American dub people named you after the Egyptian cow-headed goddess of fertility...
Sekhmet: (blinks) Uh... (snatches director's copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, flips through) ...I do believe you just described Hathor...
Sage: (off camera) I don't know, Sekh... You kinda remind me of a cow in some ways.
Sekhmet: (growls, leaps off set, pounds blond guy into floor)
Yuli: (off camera) Oh, oh, oh!! I wanna ask a question!!
Kento: Then get your little butt up here and do it.
Yuli: (runs onto set, plops down on pillows, turns to guest) Do you think White Blaze would bounce and go "Hoo hoo!" like Tigger if we held him up on his tail?
Protector: Only if you were under him. Then, actually, we'd ALL go "Hoo hoo!"
Everyone That's Listening (Except Brat): BWAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Anubis: (off camera, returned from the dressing rooms, holding up two slinky evening gowns - one in each hand, growls) Should I go with the red or the black?
Protector: (almost DIES because her dearest oni guy spoke to her... then barely keeps from tackling him and toting him off to some secluded place) I don't know why in the world you'd want to wear a dress. It might show off your gorgeous butt more, but I'd really rather see you naked. (smiles and blushes)
Sekhmet: (off camera, eyes gowns) Hm... I like the red.
Anubis: (off camera, growls again) Fine. (stalks away to change)
Kento: ...I don't wanna know what you two are doing tonight, Sekhmet. Please forget to tell me.
Sekhmet: (off camera) It's just going to be a night of humiliation. That's all.
Cale: Ooooo! Take pictures!
Kento: (blinks)
[Focus on host.]
Kento: (whispers) Help me...
[Focus on whole set.]
Kento: Thank you for joining us today. We'll be back with another episode... sometime soon.
Cale: We hope.
[Run end theme and credits then fade.]
Cye: Would it bother you if I sat next to you and made annoying little noises all night?
Protector: (grins) Would it annoy you if I tied you up and gagged you, then proceeded to tickle you until you were laughing so hard you were crying? (pauses) Then again, if I had you tied up that might not be what I'd do with you... unless Shuten was around and we were trying to cuddle... if he would ever let me do such a thing. Then I would just go find Shuu, make sure he was hungry, and turn you over to him. That would keep you occupied for a while. (smirk)
Cye: (sighs) I should never have asked...