Episode Eleven
Note: F-W-a-G eps # 6... er, no, 7. Hm... I got mixed up somewhere, didn't I? Oh well. Beware of this episode. Everyone seems to have fallen into an insanely silly mood. Kudos on the second message break goes to Elizabeth.
White Blaze: Rrroooeeeeeeeewwww? Rrraaaoooorrrwww. Rrrrrreeeeeooooowwwwrrrr? (trans: Do you remember when I said I was gonna get little boy blue for making me go with the moron? Well, I'm doing it today. Wanna help me?)
Guest: Touch Rowen and you're going down. Rowen's too cool to hurt. I mean, he's got those eyes, and the hair, and the legs. And have you seen his butt? Or his chest in episode thirty-nine? How could you dare hurt him? Stupid tiger. Just go save Yuli or something... or kill Yuli and save everyone else.
White Blaze: (blinks) Rrreow. (trans: Guess I'm doing this on my own then.; tigger wanders off to plot brainy guy's downfall)
Anubis: (nearly runs over guest as he sprints through studio) I didn't mean to do that! Do you forgive me?
Guest: (raises one brow) If you killed Yuli and Mia or a screaming crowd of children, yes. If you killed Rowen or Cye, not in this lifetime. Touched me in an inappropriate place, you only wish! Hit me, not until I get to thoroughly beat you up. Anything else, possibly, just cuz you're Anubis!
Anubis: (blink, blink, blink) ...ooooooooookay... (slips past guest and continues sprinting through studio... for some unknown reason)
Mia: (from somewhere backstage) Are we ready, guys?!
Ryo: (from dressing room) Hell no!
Mia: (from backstage) TOO BAD!! LET'S GO!
[Lights are brought up slowly and we see an empty big orange couch.]
Mia: Dammit! Kento! Cale! Get your butts out here now!!
[Much noise is heard as host and co-host scramble onto set and fumble into their usual seats. Focus on host.]
Kento: (licks palm, slicks it through his mess of hair) Hello and welcome to "Guy Talk"! I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Focus on co-host.]
Cale: (yanks himself around as he finishes tucking in shirt and buttoning up jeans, then plops back down) *Ahem*...and I'm your co-host, Cale Smith.
[Focus on both.]
Cale: Now, Ken, don't we have another guest today?
Kento: Yes, we do. Shall we just cut to the chase and get her out here?
Cale: Why not? Go for it, buddy, this intro is yours.
Kento: Sure thing. Please, everyone, give a big hand-
[A HUGE foam hand is tossed onto the couch from off camera... where blond guy and brainy guy cackle hysterically.]
Kento: (frowns) Ha. Ha. Ha. Soooooooooo funny, guys.
Rowen: (off camera, snicker cackle snort) We thought so!
Sage: (off camera) *snerk* Hee hee hee...
Kento: (clears throat) Please welcome to the show the one and only Marcasite Vah. (stands to greet guest)
Cale: (picks up foam hand and looks it over) ...crazy...
Marcasite: (slips onto set and shakes host's hand before sitting in center cushion, tosses co-host an odd look then turns away) Hi, everyone.
Sage and Rowen: (off camera) Hello!
Sage: (off camera) Hey, didn't you used to call yourself Meruru?
Marcasite: Yes, I did.
Rowen: (off camera) Heh... Meruru.
Sage: (off camera, snicker) ...ruru...
Rowen: (off camera, whaps blond guy) No...MEruru...
Sage and Rowen: (off camera, giggle fit)
Kento: (staring down blond guy and brainy guy) Dudes, what is your problem?!
Sage: (off camera) *snerk*
Rowen: (off camera) Eheh... you... (snicker)
Cale: Let's just do this and get it over with.
Kento: (nods)
Sage and Rowen: (off camera, renewed hysterical cackling)
Kento: (marches off camera, grabs blond guy and brainy guy by shirt collars) What the hell is your guys' problem?!
Sage: (off camera, breathless and in pain from laughing so much)
Rowen: (off camera, snicker giggle wheeze) *snerk* I already told you! (wheeze cackle titter)
Kento: (drops both guys to the floor, stalks back to his seat on the orange couch) Shall we continue?
Cale: We haven't even started yet.
Sage and Rowen: (off camera) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
[Fire guy and fish guy trounce blond guy and brainy guy, hold them while spider guy and oni guy gag them. Blond guy and brainy guy are dropped back to the studio floor, twitching, their laughter now muffled by duct tape.]
Kento: (turns to guest with little, satisfied smile) So, what is it that first got you into Ronin Warriors?
Marcasite: I saw episode thirty-seven and then thirty-nine and I really wanted to know what was going on.
Kento: Ah yes.
Marcasite: Can I finish?
Kento: Uh, yeah. Go ahead.
Marcasite: I then saw up to about episode seventeen. The show got moved and I couldn't find it, which made me feel all dumb and confused.
Cale: Wow. A fic-writer feeling all dumb and confused.
Marcasite: Shut up and let me finish! And just so you know, my REAL last name is Smith! So, ha! Suck on that!
Cale: (pouting) You didn't have to be mean...
Marcasite: (ignoring co-host's pout) Moving on... I liked it because White Blaze is a kick ass tiger and Rowen and Cye are hot. Anyway, I finally saw the whole series a few months ago when I traded tapes with a friend. That, and I needed something to fill the void in my summer. And let me tell you, Ronin Warriors did. RW, Animaniacs, and the Aladdin series. I think Gargoyles did, too, if it was on then.
Kento: (looking at director) But we've only asked her one question! ...Oh, almost four pages already? ...Okay. (looks at camera) We'll be right back after this short break.
Cye: (off camera) Can I do a musical interlude instead of a commercial?
Kento: (sighs) Why not? This whole episode's going to hell in a handbasket anyway.
Cye: (off camera) YAY!! You won't regret it, Ken!
[Fade to commercial-
Cye: No, no, no! Musical interlude!!
[Sigh. Fade to musical interlude.]
{We see two armored guy-type figures on a simple vaudeville type stage.}
Cye: (in Torrent armor, to other on set) Are you ready?
Evil Torrent: Indeed, sir.
Cye: Then let's do it!
{Music starts, armored fish guy begins his song.}
Cye: (singing) Anything you can do, I can do better! Anything you can do I can do better than you!
Evil Torrent: (singing) No you can't.
Cye: (singing) Yes I can.
Evil Torrent: (singing) No you can't.
Cye: (singing) Yes I can.
Evil Torrent: (singing) No you can't.
Cye: (singing) Yes I can. Yes I can. Yes I can! (**WHACK**!!)
Sage: (rips duct tape away from mouth, holding frying pan at the ready, stands over konked fish guy and glares at evil wannabe fish guy) I can get you, too, if you'd like.
Evil Torrent: Um... no. I'll just be going. (grabs purse and leaves studio quickly)
Sage: (blink... blink, blink, blink) A purse?
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (off camera) A purse?
Ryo: (slips onto set) Can I borrow your shoes for a minute?
Marcasite: No! Touch my shoes and die! I paid a good $9.50 for my cheap, fake, imitation-Airwalk, Target-brand shoes. I don't care if they are guys' shoes, they're mine!
Ryo: (blink) Okay... I'll just go borrow from someone else... (slips off camera)
Rowen: (tape finally peeled away from his mouth, sitting on floor of studio) Do you think that when Kermit sings that song "It's Not Easy Being Green" that he's referring to Sage and Sekhmet?
Marcasite: What? Where did that come from? Never mind... No. I don't. I think that Kermit was trying to express how much he hated being a frog. He would be much happier as a worm. Worms have it easy, you know. Actually, cats have it easier. They just lay around all day and get their food served to them on cool platters. Frogs don't; people put them in small cardboard boxes, or put them in a jar with a stick and a leaf trying to recreate their natural habitat. Frogs have the hard life. Think about it. People eat them. Animals eat them. People torture them. They're not exactly cute** and they have that painful process of changing from a tadpole to a frog. And anyway, Sage likes green. He has to. Green is a cool color.
Everyone: (blink, blink, blink)
Kento: Ooooookay. Thank you for the stimulating discourse on frogs.
Marcasite: Not a problem.
Cale: Let's continue. Marcasite, just who exactly is your favorite character and why?
Marcasite: It would be easier if you asked me who I hated. I hate Yuli. I really hate him.
Yuli: (off camera, whining) Miiiiiiiaaaaaaa!
Mia: (off camera) Stop whining, you useless brat.
Marcasite: He's so annoying and needs to be shot execution style. Him and Mia.
Mia: (off camera) Well I never--!
Sekhmet: (off camera) You haven't?! Wow... I would've thought you and Ryo- (**WHAP**!) OW!!
Marcasite: So, um, anyway, I really like Rowen cuz he's cute and smart and so helpless in the kitchen.
Rowen: (off camera) Not true! The one that can't cook worth a cent is Ryo!! (proudly) I make killer milkshakes, man.
Marcasite: (to brainy guy) Sure ya do. (to co-host) Plus, he's got the kick ass hair that everyone wants. And then there's Cye. He's a good cook. And I love his hair and eyes and the accent.
Kento: If I were to offer you an entire week alone with Rowen or Cye, what would you do?
Marcasite: I would give you a hug, make you dinner and then leave with Rowen...or Cye. We would go far away, I mean far away, and then I would make dinner - if it was Rowen - and make him fall in love with me! And then, we could all live happily ever after... but only if Mia and Yuli were dead, though.
Mia and Yuli: (off camera, glaring heatedly at guest)
Cale: Uh, Marcasite, would you, if given the choice, take over Talpa's place as leader of the Dynasty?
Marcasite: You bet!
Cale: Why?
Marcasite: I'd rule the world, unlike that idiot Talpa. He made so many mistakes. In fact, he needs to be hung upside down in a warehouse with two slits on his wrists so that he dies a slow, horrible death. Him and Yuli and Mia.
Mia, Yuli, and Talpa: (off camera, glaring at guest)
Marcasite: Then, I'd rule the world and own Rowen and Cye and Sage and all of the other cute guys. And, if I was feeling nice, I'd let Kayura in on the wealth.
Kayura: (off camera) Woo hoo!! A chance to share the bunches o' bishounen!! *ahem* Excuse me.
Cale: Ahhhhhh... Which would you prefer? A day on a sunny beach surrounded by hyperactive, screaming children or a month alone in the research station on Antarctica with no interactive outside contact.
Marcasite: I hate KIDS! The beach isn't much better. I would definitely go to Antarctica where I could watch anime for a month. Or write. And I wouldn't have to go to school! Well, I'd go to the beach only if you would give me a shot gun and let me clear out the kids without going to jail. No one'll miss 'em.
Kento: Sorry to interrupt, if I am, but we need to take another quick commercial break.
[Fade to commercial.]
Bob: (off camera) So, how did that thing work out?
Marcasite: (off camera) It went great, okay? Now leave me alone!
Bob: (off camera) Well, fine then. See if I don't talk to the Karma Committee about your next life!
{We see one guy standing outside a door, apparently to the bathroom as a shower is heard running inside.}
Sage: (from inside bathroom) YES! YES! YES!
{Blond guy soon comes out of the bathroom wearing simple white robe, his hands in his hair, and sighing. Brainy guy frowns at him.}
Rowen: Look, buddy, I don't even wanna know what you were doing in there.
Sage: (holds up bottle of shampoo) But Rowen, it's Herbal Essences!
Rowen: (eyes light up) Oh! Have you tried the body wash?
Ryo: (off camera) Sage, where'd you hide your damn pan?!
Sage: I'm not telling! (sticks out tongue)
[Fade back to show.]
Sage: (sitting on couch between guest and host) Would you go out with me?
Marcasite: Go where? When? Do I have to dress up? Can you hook me up with Cye or Rowen? After all of that, can we destroy Mia and Yuli and then have a great party?
Sage: (blinks, stands, and walks off camera, not certain what exactly just happened)
Kayura: (off camera) Do you think that Mia and I should be allowed to host an episode?
Marcasite: Only if Mia and Yuli get killed.
Kayura: (off camera) Oh! How stupid of me! I forgot you don't like Mia.
Marcasite: But I think that you, Kayura, should at least get a chance. I mean, it's only fair. Speaking of, why do Kento and Cale always get to host? I mean, Cye got to once... and I think Sagedid once as well, but what about everyone else?
Rowen: (off camera) Actually, it was me and Spidey... until Lumpy and Bow-wow got loose, anyway.
Kento and Cale: (narrowing eyes and growling)
Dais: (blinks back tears of laughter)
Talpa: (off camera, quick to change subject) Um, Marcasite, as opposed to the Forces of Darkness, do you suppose it's possible that a simplified mechanical backscratching device could be used to destroy all of humanity?
Marcasite: No, you big, stupid, ugly, floating head. The only thing that you could use to take over the world would have to be Yuli. But, he's easily killed, so no... And, I don't think that any backscratching device is as good as an automatic back massager, anyway. Suck on that, evil gay boy.
Rowen: (off camera) HEY! Do you find something wrong with gay boys?!
Sage: (off camera, meeps because he knows what brainy guy is about to do)
Rowen: (off camera, glomps blond guy and plants a big, slobbery kiss on him)
Everyone Else: EEEEEEWWWWWW!!
Sage: (off camera, pushes brainy guy off of his lap) GET OFF ME, YOU PERV! (wipes hands over mouth, spits, wipes hands over mouth some more) This is not a yaoi fic!!
Rowen: (off camera, plopped on floor, grinning) Heh... not even shounen ai?
Sage: (off camera, furious) NO!!
Dais: (off camera) Did you really take pictures of Kento when Mia stuffed him in that dress on Halloween and sell them?
Marcasite: What pictures? (sits on a Kodak package) I have no knowledge of anything like that... or something. (glares at spider guy) Who told you? I'll kill 'em. And then, I'll put the money in the bank that I earned from selling them... I mean- Dammit! Yeah, okay, I sold the pictures. I did! Happy?! I gave Rowen and Cye a good deal - only $2.50 for one. Everyone else got charged five dollars! Anyone want a copy? Only five dollars!!
Kento: Only five bucks? I'm worth far more than that! If you can't sell them at a decent price, I want those pictures... and the negatives!
Cale: Eh... I think it's time to go now. Until next time everyone!
[Run end credits and theme then fade.]
Cye: (mowing down whole plate of seafood) Would you like a bite of my fish?
Marcasite: What? Since when did you start eating fish? Never mind, I don't care. I don't like fish much. I'd much rather eat strawberries and whipped cream. Wanna join me? Or, I could make some stir-fry with Sage's frying pan!
White Blaze: Rrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrroooooowwwww!! (trans: Die, Blue Boy!; pounces brainy guy and starts batting him around the floor)
Rowen: HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!! (**THWUMP**!)
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** = I think they're cute. I like frogs. ^_^