Episode One
[The lights are slowly brought up and we see two guys chatting quietly with each other as they sit one on either end of a large, bright orange couch. The camera focuses on one, his rounded face smiling and laughing at some naughty joke the other has just told him. He speaks.]
Kento: Hello, and welcome to the premiere of my new show - "Guy Talk." I'm your host, Kento Fung.
[Switch to other guy.]
Cale: And I'm his co-host, Cale...uh...
Kento: (whispering) We decided on Smith, remember?
Cale: Oh yeah. Cale Smith.
[Switch back to view of both.]
Kento: Now, this show is going to be only about guys and guy things. This is because... well, we're guys.
Cale: Yeah, and not just any kind of guys, either. We are GUY guys - unlike some others we could mention.
Kento: Exactly. Certain others in our "group" or "clique," if you will, could be called - oh, I don't know - GIRLY guys. Now before we move onto the first topic of discussion-
[A commotion is heard off camera and suddenly seven not-happy-looking other guys appear, surrounding the horrendous couch.]
Dais: Excuse us but - uh - we could quite help but overhear that little comment you just made. (fingers the edge of a very sharp looking knife)
[Camera focuses on host.]
Kento: (gulping loudly) We'll be right back after this message from our sponsors.
[Fade to commercial.]
{A young guy walks downstairs into the kitchen. Finds another, older guy there.}
Rowen: Dad, have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling?
Cale: Why, yes son, I have.
Rowen: What do you do about it?
Cale: (pulling out a box from under the table) I use this.
Rowen: (looking at the box) What the hell does this do?
{Suddenly another guy runs from out of nowhere and whacks the young guy and the older guy on the head with a frying pan.}
Sage: I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS SKIT! (runs off camera, frying pan in hand)
[Fade back to show.]
Cale: Okay, there's this nun and she's taking a bath, right? Someone knocks at the door and she says, "Who is it?" So the man outside says, "It's the blind man. May I come in?" The nun stops to think about it and says, "Okay, come on in." The guy walks walks in, looks at her, and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?" (laughs)
Cye: (red-faced) Oh dear...
Cale: So, how many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Kento: (frantic to shut co-host up) Cale, we're back on the air.
Sage: How many?
Cale: Druids don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in stone circles!
[Much laughter from all but the host guy and the red-faced guy - who's starting to feel faint from what he's hearing.]
Kento: (swacking co-host hard across back of head) CALE!
Cale: Oh! Sorry. (grins sheepishly)
[Focus on host.]
Kento: As you can see, we made amends with our comrades over the break and we invited them to join us. (glances at white-haired guy who smiles back quietly)
Cale: Yes, we did. Now let's get onto the first topic.
Ryo: (curious) What is it?
Kento and Cale: (loud and proud) GIRLS!
Sage: I think I can handle that subject.
Kento: (looking off camera at director) ANOTHER break? All right. If you say so. (looking back at camera) We'll be right back.
[Fade to commercial.]
{A guy sits at a table loaded with food. He slips from his chair and lands on his rear on the floor.}
Kento: Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my plate!
{The guy pushes a button on the thingamajigger on his belt and flounders on the floor. Another guy's voice speaks over the scene.}
Ryo: Have you ever found yourself in this position? We'd like to help you-
{Suddenly another guy runs from off camera and whacks the guy on the floor and the unseen speaking guy on the head with a frying pan}
Sage: NO MORE!! (runs off camera, again with the frying pan)
[Fade to back show.]
Cale: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
Ryo: How many?
Cale: A dozen. One to change the bulb and eleven to applaud.
Sage: (laughing) That sounds about right.
Cale: How many Pisces does it take to change the light bulb?
Cye: Oh, I'm afraid to ask... how many?
Cale: What light bulb?
Kento: Cale, we're back.
Cale: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
Kento: CALE!
Cale: Three. One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, plus another two engineers to inspect the work.
Kento: (looking at director) I don't know! YOU get him to shut up!
Cale: How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb?
Anubis: This had better be funny.
Cale: Just one but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
Anubis: (insulted) Not funny!
[All of the guys laugh except the insulted guy and the host.]
Kento: Cale!! Will you stop??
Cale: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Sekhmet: (grinning) How many?
Cale: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed. How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
Ryo: Ooooh! Tell us!
Cale: Two (of course) but it will take all week. And when they're done, the light bulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you want it to.
[Everyone laughs except the host.]
Kento: CAAAAAAALLLLLLLEEEEEEE!! We're supposed to be doing a show here!
Cale: Oh! Sorry. Where were we?
Kento: (looking at director) What?? We're out of time? We can't be! (looking at co-host) This is all YOUR fault.
Cale: Oh well. Too late now.
[Run end credits and theme then fade out.]
