*Smack.*
"Ow! Cut it out!" Stef turned back to her homework in a huff.
*Flick.*
"OW! Cut it OUT!" Stef swiped at Kento once, snarling, then turned back to her homework again.
Kento grinned. This is what I LIVE for! It's not as fun as it is with Sage, but... well, what're ya gonna do, hmm? He picked up a grape and, aiming carefully, tossed it at Stef's head.
*Boink.*
"STOP IT!!!! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!" Stef screeched, grabbing the bowl of grapes and, in a blur of motion, started firing off grapes like they were grenades.
"BWAH!" Kento fell off the couch into a pile of squish. (dead grapes, that is.)
"That's what you GET, dumbass!" Stef sat down, holding the grapes out of his reach. "And if you smack me upside the head, flick me behind the ear, or throw anything at me ANY more, I cannot be held responsible for the actions which shall ensue."
"You got me all squishy," Kento accused from the floor.
"You were already squishy. It's just now your pants match your brains!" Alyssa cheerfully quipped, popping into the room to steal the grapes.
"Hey, those were mine!" Kento whined as Alyssa left with the bowl.
"You forfeited the right to the grapes when you used them as a weapon," Alyssa replied.
"But SHE threw them TOO!!" Kento accused, pointing at Stef.
"Yes, but, now Stef can't have any grapes either."
"I want some pie," Stef whined. "Shut up about the grapes and give me some pie."
"No pie for you," Alyssa ordered, leaving.
They lapsed into silence, Kento pondering if he should change his pants and Stef pondering why the hell she was bothering to learn about square roots. "This is boring," Kento commented.
"Seriously," Stef replied.
They turned to each other in one motion and cried, "Tell me a story!"
They were taken aback. "No, you tell ME a story," Stef said, firmly.
"You tell ME a story," Kento shot back.
"I have a better idea. Howzabout YOU tell ME a story! Won't that be fun!"
"I have an even BETTER idea! Howzabout YOU tell ME a story! Fun for all!"
"I have an even BETTER idea!" Kit cried, popping her head into the room. "Howzabout the both of you shutting the hell up!"
"KIT!" they both jubilantly cried. "STORY!"
"NO!!!" She left.
"Ohhhh."
"Okay, actual idea!" Kento said. "A compromise. Let's do one of those one-liner stories."
"Huh?"
"You know... you say a little, then I say a little, then you say a little, then I say a-"
"I get it, I get it." Stef brightened. "Okay! Wanna go first?"
"No. YOU go first."
"Better idea! Howzabout YOU go-"
"Better idea!" Kit popped her head in again. "The story begins, 'Once upon a time....' Take it from there, Stef!"
"Noooo problem!" Kit left again. "Okay, once upon a time, there was a gorgeous perfect talented mystical splendiferous not-to-mention-KICKASS girl named... Stef. She kicked ass at everything, and was revered the world around as a goddess. Go ahead, Kento."
He scowled, then retaliated. "Stef lived in the shadow of a person ten times better than her at everything. The name of this spectacular specimen of humanity was Kento the Great. He ruled WAY more than Stef. He was better at everything, including table tennis, bench-pressing, eating waffles, and everything except walking in high heels, which the oh-so-awesome Kento the Great had never actually tried, nor felt the urge to try. He was also revered as a god, but a much more POWERFUL deity than the lowly Stef." He noticed Stef's stormy face. "Er... but she was nice, too. In her own way. And she looked way girlier in a prom dress than the Great Kento. Um, go ahead."
Stef fought the urge to bite him. "Anyway, the gorgeous perfect ass-kicking Stef decided one fine autumn day-"
"Hey, Stef?"
"Wha-aaat?"
"Can it be spring?"
"What? No!"
"Why not? Autumn's all cold! See, Kento the Great likes to go out jogging and stuff, and it would be much more pleasant for him to be able to jog in a nice warm climate as opposed to a cold, icky one."
"That's true," Stef mused, wickedly. "It WOULD be nicer for Kento the Great to have a warm, sunny spring day."
"So you see my point," Kento said, pleased.
"I do indeed. Now let's continue." Stef grinned. "Stef decided to go and visit Kento the Great on a bitingly-cold below-zero damn-ass FREEZING day in the dead of winter. It was like all warmth had been sucked out of the atmosphere and replaced with a big ol' block of ice."
"Hey!"
"Wait your turn," Stef hissed. "Anyway, Stef hopped into her cute little car, which was very magical and had a great heating system which made her all toasty, and drove on over to Kento's stupidly-small cardboard box of a house. Go ahead."
"I WILL, thank you!" Kento threw her a Look, which she threw right back. "Okay, but on the way, Stef's car broke down, since the engine was a piece of crap. And she went, 'oh, no! My car's broken! Somebody SAAAAVE me!'"
Hearing Kento go into a damsel-in-distress voice was quite amusing, but Stef was too hurt over her cute little car being broken to really notice and take offense.
"Hearing her PITIFUL cries for help, Kento the Great went, 'Poor little weak girl. I'll save you!' Then he went on over from his HUGE-ASS house and managed, with all of his incredible strength and charm, to carry her car WITH ONE ARM over to a Shell station and talk the guy at the place into fixing it for free. Stef, being very humble and feeling very bad, apologized to Kento the Great for dissing him earlier. And then she made him some lunch. Go ahead!" Kento was pleased with himself, especially for doing all of the voices right.
Stef was indignant. "Okay, so Stef made him lunch. BUT what he didn't realize, as he snarfed it down like a PIG, was that Stef had, in her love for chaos, had put a whole bunch of, like... chemicals and stuff in his food. So he eventually turned green and blue and orange and all kinds of nasty colors and keeled over. Stef, feeling very evil, tied him to a chair so that when he woke up (which he did, he's not dead), he was sitting right on the edge of a cliff. He yelped and cried, and begged for forgiveness."
At this point, Stef saw Kento's face crumple. "Why are you killing me? I got your car fixed!" he whimpered.
She immediately felt scummy. "Hang on! It gets better," she reassured him. "So he was there on the chair begging for forgiveness. Stef, in her infinite wisdom, and remembering that he got her car fixed for free, got him to compromise. They could BOTH be the best people in the world. He'd be the best guy and she'd be the best girl. It'd all work out. So she untied him, they went and got her car, and ran around town for awhile, making other people worship them. It was all pretty cool. Go ahead!"
Kento smiled sunnily. "That was cool!" he cried. "Okay, so then they went home and Stef made Kento some chemical-free nachos. In return, he... uh... um.... Hey Stef, what's something cool that could go here?"
"Turn the story over to me!"
"Okay. Go ahead, Stef."
"Goody! In return, Kento called up his dear friend Skeet Ulrich." Stef's eyes glazed over.
"Oh, no."
"He said, 'hey Skeet, guess what! I know the coolest girl in the world! Wanna be the father of her children?'"
"GROSS! Kento the Great would NEVER say that!"
Stef didn't seem to hear him. "So Skeet went, 'Okay! Cool!' and came over. He and Stef were in snuggle paradise... that is, until Leonardo DiCaprio came in unexpectedly and went, 'STOP! That is MY beloved Stef! Don't you TOUCH her, you filthy... filth!'"
"Filthy FILTH?! Oh, god. Stef, give me the story. For the love of God, PLEASE!"
Stef was about at drooling point. "A teeth-chattering brawl ensued! Leo and Skeet were really kicking each others' asses, when Stef leapt into the fight and cried, 'STOP! PLEASE, my darlings! I can marry you BOTH!' So they went... okay! Go ahead."
"Okay, then! God. But THEN, the three realized that Stef could only legally marry one of them, so... Leonardo and Skeet went away to fight again. Kento the Great then talked some sense into Stef."
"Hey, can we call me Steffie the Great or something? It's not fair, cuz you're Kento the Great and we're supposed to be on equal terms."
"But if you were Steffie the Great, people would think we were related."
"True. Oh god, what if Leo and Skeet thought we were married! They'd be crushed! NO, DARLINGS, NOOO! HE'S JUST A FRIEND!!!"
"Calm down! Okay, look... Kento the Great talked some sense into Stef the... uh... Awesome Princess Steffie."
"Ooh, I'm royalty!"
"Thought you wouldn't mind that," Kento said, graciously. "Okay, so then Awesome Princess Steffie decided that, 'Hey! Neither one of those guys was all that great!'"
"What in the hell are YOU talking about?"
"Hang ON! Sheesh! Instead, Kento gave his friend Ryoga Hibiki a call."
"KENTO, THANK YOU!!!" Stef danced in her seat.
"So Ryoga came over, was captivated by the Awesome Princess Steffie, and decided at that very moment to, like... you know. Whatever. Be her little friend."
"HEY!!!" Kit stuck her head in the room again.
"Kento, gimmie the story quick!!!" Stef cried, afraid Kit would explode... literally.
"GO AHEAD!"
"But they soon found out that Ryoga had a long lost twin! His name was also Ryoga. He looked the same, he acted the same, and he was the same in all respects except that he was thoroughly in love with somebody named Kit. And neither Ryoga had the hots for Akane OR Akari, and although he had mild feelings for Ukyo, it was only because they were seemed so perfect for each other... until Kit and Awesome Princess Steffie came along. They changed the two Ryogas' minds. The Ryogas were infinitely in love with Kit and/or Awesome Princess Steffie, and for once, the love was returned."
Kit sighed and withdrew her head, happily grinning.
"Phew!" Stef huffed. "Hey, while I've still got it... Kento the Great looked long and hard for his true love... and found it in Callisto from Xena."
"Well... I dunno about her."
"Last week you thought she was awesome!"
"Well, and I still do, but she freaks me out. I wouldn't want to actually, like, marry her."
"Okay, then... um... Kento the Great fell deeply in love with, uh... er...."
"May I make a suggestion?"
"As long as it's not anyone weird, like Martha Stewart."
"EW!" Kento shuddered. "Don't even joke about that."
"Okay, then who?"
"I suggest... Ginger Spice."
"GINGER SPICE?!?" Stef started cracking up. "You? You and... GINGER SPICE?!"
Kento reddened. "I like her hair," he protested. "Her hair and her... um... ya know, her-"
"Stop RIGHT there!" Stef ordered. She took a moment to compose herself. "Okay, so... um... Kento the Great tamed the Beast that was Ginger Spice. They hooked up. And, of course, whenever he asked, she'd sing BADLY for him."
Kento's eyes glazed over. "Mmm... tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really-"
"STOP that!"
Kento snapped to attention. "Well, you drooled over Leo AND Skeet AND Ryoga!"
"Yes, but they're cool. Ginger Spice is just silly."
"To each his... or her... own," Kento huffed.
"True," Stef sighed. "Okay, go ahead, Mr. Zigazig Ha."
"Hey! That wasn't Ginger! That was Scary Spice's line!"
Stef looked at him reproachfully. "It's so sad that you know that!"
"Shuddup. Okay, so Kento the Great and Awesome Princess Steffie lived long lives with their chosen loved ones. And, when they finally died, each at the age of seven-hundred fifty-six, the entire world wept. Truly there were never two people so needed on Earth as Kento the Great and Awesome Princess Steffie." Kento's voice was very solemn. "The mourning done after their deaths was greater than that done for John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Princess Diana. .. combined. A dark shadow descended over the world." Kento paused. "Hey... are you crying?"
"No." Stef sniffled, very damply. Tears were rolling down her face. "That was so SAD!!!" she wailed, giving Kento a hug.
"Calm down! It was just a story!" But Kento was fighting back tears himself. "Okay, so... go ahead."
Stef composed herself as best as she could. "The world practically stopped turning. But one day, a great light shone down through the dense clouds, causing the people to look up i n wonder, smiling for the first time in months. The spirits of Awesome Princess Steffie and Kento the Great smiled down at the world and the world smiled back. The two reminded the people that, although their losses were a great blow to the world, it was important to go on living. Slowly, never forgetting Kento the Great and Awesome Princess Steffie, life resumed. But a tinge of sadness would always mar the human spirit. Never would two so wonderful, vital, and loving people ever exist again."
"The end," they both stated, solemnly. They lapsed into silence for awhile. Then, both bursting into bitter tears at the same time, gave each other a hug. "That was so sad!" they unintelligibly blubbered.
"I can't believe we died like that!"
"Those poor people!"
"We were martyrs!"
"Wahhhh!"
"Wahhhh!"
"STOP!" All of a sudden, Sage entered the room in a huff, followed closely by Ryo, Sai, Rowin, Kit, and Alyssa. "What the hell is wrong with you two?" he asked.
"Wahhhh!" they replied.
"What?"
"WAHHH!"
"What?"
"WAHHHHH!"
"They're not saying anything ACTUAL, Sage, they're just blubbering," Kit pointed out.
"Oh. I thought they were saying 'Wait.'"
"Kento made me cry with a story."
"Stef made ME cry with a story." They looked at each other, and got set off again.
"Group hug!" Stef managed to whimper.
"No way. You'll get me all wet," Alyssa said, reproachfully.
"Seriously."
"I'm not into group hugs."
"They're too squishy."
"Where'd those grapes go?"
"WAHHHHHHHHH!" Kento and Stef settled for another hug.
"Oh, that looks so nice, though!" Alyssa gave up and joined the hug.
"What the hell?" Kit did, too.
"Hey, Kento doesn't get all the fun!" Sage leapt in there, making sure to hug as many females as possible and avoid Kento's Hug of Death.
"I LUV YOU GUYS!" Sai leapt on the pile.
Rowin and Ryo looked at the huge group hug, and then at each other. "Wanna go make some nachos?" Rowin asked.
"Sure. That doesn't look like fun, anyway." Ryo and Rowin left the room. About two seconds later, they hurtled through the door again and joined in on the hug, unable to help themselves.
"I LUV YOU GUYS!"
"We know, Sai. We know."
"Hey, whose hand is that?"
"Tee hee."
"Sage, you PIG! Get off!" Kit was not amused.
"It wasn't me! Honest! "
"Was too!"
"Really, it wasn't!"
"It couldn't have been him, Kit! Sage is over here squishing me, and you're all the way over there!" Stef called.
"Tee hee."
"Who tee-hee'd just now?" Kit wondered.
"That was Sai," Rowin said, helpfully.
"Sai... was that you?"
"Tee hee."
"Sai, you PIG!"
"I'd've never expected it from you," Alyssa said.
"And you blamed it on me," Sage sniffled.
"I'm sorry, Sage. Sai, you PIG!" Kit smacked him.
"Tee hee."
"STOP TEEHEE'ING!" Kento roared.
"This group hug is getting a little too cozy for me," Ryo commented.
"Too cozy for YOU? I'm on the BOTTOM of this human pile!" Stef complained.
"Well, you started it."
"Well, it was KENTO'S FAULT. Making me cry like that."
"Hey, what was it that set you off, anyway? What was the story?"
Stef and Kento disentangled themselves from the group hug. "Should we tell them?"
"Yeah, but let's use fake names."
"Why?"
"Cuz it's more fun."
"Okay. HEY GUYS!" Stef boomed. "Siddown. We're gonna tell you a story." The group obediently sat on the floor for Storytime. "Okay, once there was a gorgeous perfect talented mystical splendiferous not-to-mention-KICKASS girl named... uh, Stoof. Stoof kicked ass at everything, and was revered the world around as a goddess. Go ahead, Kento."
"Stoof lived in the shadow of a person ten times better than her at everything. The name of this spectacular specimin of humanity was, um... Token the Great."
Stef burst into laughter. "Token?"
"Seriously! Just look at the word."
"Ken-to... To-ken. Well, I'll be damned."
"Um, guys? This is so very obviously about you two that it isn't even funny. Come on, fess up and use your real names!" Ryo cried.
"NO!!!" Kit and Alyssa cried. "What's funnier: having the lead characters named Kento and Stef... or Token and Stoof?"
"Point taken. Tell away, dear Token and Stoof."
"Okay, so like I was saying, Token ruled WAY more than Stoof. He was better at everything, including table tennis, bench-pressing, eating waffles, and everything except walking in high heels, which the oh-so-awesome Token the Great had never actually tried, nor felt the urge to try...."
*Epilogue*
Mia hefted a bag of groceries up the porch and into the front door. "Prepare yourself, Mia," she mumbled to herself. "The Living Appetite will most surely attack." Mentally prepared for Kento's whining and pleading, she opened the front door and went inside, bracing herself. "I'M HOME!" she bellowed.
There was no reply.
"Odd," she murmured. After putting the groceries in the kitchen, she searched the house. "Ryo? Kento? ANYBODY?!"
Suddenly, she heard a small, pitiful wailing noise. "We're in here," a muffled voice rang from the den.
"What in the world?" Mia was greeted by the sight of a gigantic sobbing group hug. Everyone involved was about to fall down, they were sobbing so hard. "What's wrong?" she cried.
"Token and Stoof made us cry," Rowin wailed.
"Uh... I'll be going now," Mia stuttered, backing away.
"Don't flee your feelings, Mia," Ryo cried, reaching out for her.
"I LUV YOU GUYS!"
"Shuddup, Sai, we luv you too."
"AUGGH!" Mia ran from Ryo, but he pursued.
"Dammit! Sai, is that you again?"
"Tee hee."
"SAI!"
"It wasn't me! I swear it!"
"Sage?" Kit's voice held a note of warning.
"Wasn't me either!"
"Well, then-"
"Tee hee."
"ROWIN!!!"
"I would have never guessed."
"Sorry. I thought it was, uh...." Rowin tried to cover for himself.
"Who, Kento?"
"EW! NO!"
"Definitely not," Kento added.
"Consider yourself a target for revenge."
"Oh, crap." Suddenly, Rowin let out a surprised yelp.
"Hah! Gotcha! Tee hee."
"KIT! Really."
"I LUV YOU GUYS!"
"Shut UP, Sai!"
The End. Yeah.