(a great show, no disrespect intended)
Oh, look! A crossover! How nice. This is going to be super-short, probably, and I'm not officially crossing over the characters. I'm just replacing the Buffy characters with Ronins that I think are coincident (of course, removing the sexual tension where necessary. Nobody wants to see THAT among the Ronins). Hey, read on! See if you can guess what I replaced what with. At the end, I'll tell you, so you can go, "Well, duh. Wasn't THAT obvious." PS: Some of these are just because of certain necessary things. The characters aren't ACTUALLY similar, it just fit and there was no place else for them. Ahem. Ryo!
The vampire's twisted face leered at the nervous girl. "You... can't be serious. You're planning to hurt... me... with that little can of Mace."
"I am!!" she squealed, holding it out and shaking it at him. "No means no, mister! You'd better just get the... the HECK away from me!"
"Your profanity makes me quiver," the vampire said, arching an eyebrow sarcastically. "I think it's time f-"
He was cut off as he exploded into a pillar of dust. The stake clattered to the ground, from where it had once been impaled into the back of the once-undead now-totally-dead vampire. The girl's eyes widened as the dust cleared and she saw a tallish red-haired woman standing in front of her.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"You're... you're...."
"I'm Mia, nice to meet you. Goodness! You're covered with dust!" Mia pulled out a little pink feather duster from Convenient-Anime-Land-of-Giant-Mallets-Sharp-Roses-and-the-Like, and began to brush off the girl's jacket. "That will never do! Are you hungry? I can m-"
Another vampire popped up behind Mia and with a hiss, descended upon her throat.
"Stop that!" Mia said, sternly, and impaled him. "Eek! MORE DUST!"
"I'm going to... run away now." The girl ran off, more scared of the motherly Slayer than of the undead creatures of the night.
"Oh, well." Mia sighed. "Better go on back to the school!"
____
"Stupid... stupid... VERSION 1.5!" Kento smacked the computer.
Sai glared at him. "Be nice to those. They're school property."
"I'm being extremely nice." He patted the monitor, smiling cheesily. When Sai huffed and turned away, Kento picked up his soda and gave the computer a threatening glare. "Okay, you stupid Mac. Here's the deal: you either work and do everything by yourself like Bill Gates intended, or I zap the crap out of you with this here Josta. Capice?"
"Kento! Do I even need to say anything about that?"
"Can't we upgrade it or whatever it is that technical people do to make computers work like... like... non-pieces of crap?" he pleaded, making the puppy face.
"No, it's too expensive. Look, did I come all the way from Britain to deal with you hitting the computers just because they don't agree with you?"
"Um... well, yeah. You're the librarian in a public school, you dope! What were you expecting, cookies and tea?"
"Just for that, I'm docking your pay."
"You don't pay me. I'm just helping Mia."
"Well... yes... I suppose that's right." Sai thought for a moment. "Just don't hit the computers, m'kay?"
"I'm sorry, but-"
"Look, Kento, it works like this." Rowin stepped in, tapped a few keys, and a flurry of windows popped open on the screen. "See, you just-"
"You do it. I'm going to go grab a snack."
"No problem!" Rowin sat down joyously in the vacated seat. "People are always saying, 'Rowin, you're such a computer nerd! You're wasting your life! Blah-blah-blah!'" He snorted derisively. "They wouldn't know a model 286 disk from a 386! The peons."
"Hey, guys?" Sage popped his head up from behind a pile of books, an expression of pure horror on his face. "Big trouble."
"Oh, no." Sai covered his eyes with nervousness. "Is it another Harvest?"
"As if!"
"Oh, God! Heckmouth is due to open tonight?"
"No, worse!" Sage held up a magazine in a trembling hand. "Vogue says that hemlines are supposed to go down next season!" Sai breathed a sigh of relief.
"You must feel so bad about that, Sage," Rowin said. "Now how will you show off those lovely legs of yours?"
"Shut up! Not for me, for all of the lovely, gorgeous... beautiful... leggy..." Sage began to look dreamy and drool slightly.
Outside the library, a girl's screech was heard, followed by the sound of a slap. Kento came walking back, grinning sheepishly, one cheek flaming pink.
Sai arched an eyebrow. "Kento, when you said you were going to go grab a snack, did you actually mean-"
"Well... no, that wasn't the original plan, but it kinda worked out that way."
"Kento, Kento!" Sage cried, holding out the magazine.
"I know, man." Kento closed his eyes in reverent sorrow, and tears appeared at the corners of his eyes. "The hemlines are dropping."
"WHY?!?!?" Sage burst into tears and buried his face in his hands.
"On the up-side, midriffs are coming back."
"Ooo!"
"Check page fifty-three."
"Roger that, my friend." Sage began flipping pages.
"Guys, I'm back!" Mia came in, carrying her bag o' vampire-killing tricks. "Look! I made a new holy water vial!" She held up a little faceted bottle made of stained glass and copper wiring. "Martha Stewart says-"
"Stop right there!" Rowin held up a hand. "I don't want to hear a word about that damned stick-up-her-ass B-I-T-C-H."
"Come now, Rowin. I think we've aged beyond the point of spelling things out," Sage said.
"A bitca?" Kento puzzled out. Sai rolled his eyes. (Note from S~ Yes, I did steal this directly out of the show. Sue me! No, wait... DON'T sue me. There we go.)
"Anyway, I thought it was cute," she said, defensively.
"On the more serious side..." Sai turned to her. "Mia, things have been going well recently. I have just one complaint."
"Have I done something wrong?"
"Well... not really, but...." Sai searched for words. "I think you could increase your productivity if you didn't stop to clean up after each killing."
"But it gets so yucky out there!" Mia cried.
"But when you're fighting a hoard of twenty vampires, it's just not prudent to stab one and then make everybody stop while you sweep up! One of these days, you're going to meet a vampire who's not willing to wait around for a few minutes and you're going to get killed."
"Oh." Mia thought for a second. "So... what you're saying is that I should kill them all, let the dust pile up... and then clean it up."
Sai sighed. "If you still must clean it up, then yes, that would be a safer method."
"Sai... I'm afraid I may not always be able to do that. But I'll try."
"Thank you, Mia."
"I must be going now," Mia said, picking up her bag. "I just stopped by to see how everyone was doing. I have an appointment to keep."
"And we all know what that appointment is," Kento said, rolling his eyes.
"Bye!" said Mia, giggling breathily as her stare became more and more vacant. She ran off, and as the door to the library swung open, they saw Ryo standing at the door waiting for her. "MY LOVE!" Mia squealed, flinging herself at him.
"Bye, guys," Ryo said, leaving with Mia.
"The girl ain't right," Sage mused.
"'Tis true, 'tis true," Rowin mumbled, attention absorbed into the computer.
There was a pause as they leafed through books or typed codes into the computer. "Well!" Kento proclaimed, tossing aside his manga, "Time for a snack!"
"D'you mean snack, or snack?" Sai asked, suspiciously.
"Dunno. I'm just bored."
"I'm coming!" Sage cried, hopeful for a snack.
"Sure. Let's go."
And we fade out with yet another female squeal, followed by two slaps. Rowin rolls his eyes and Sai adjusts his tie, arching an eyebrow. "However did I get myself into this mess?"
The End.
Well, that was stupid. Just in case you couldn't tell, it was:
Buffy - Mia (or as I've taken to calling her during this fic... Muffy)
Willow - Rowin (You can even make the names similar! Ro-win, Win-ro. Willow, Winro. A bit of a stretch, but I don't care. They're similar anyway.)
Xander - Kento (Hmm. No name relationships, but they're both funny, sorta comic relief guys.)
Angel - Ryo (or as I've taken to calling him during this fic... NOTHING-LIKE-ANGEL! He just fit because he was Mia's significant other.)
Giles - Sai (or as I've taken to calling him during this fic... Sai-les.)
Cordy - Sage (note: I made him a bit different. She's obsessed with wearing fashionable girl's clothing, and he's obsessed with looking at girls wearing fashionable clothing)
Oh, and duh...
Sunnydale - Toyama
Hellmouth - Heckmouth
Everything else is the same. And that's about it for this fic! It feels kinda unfinished, but I don't wanna add any more, just cuz I'm a lazy ass. And again, I did steal that quote. I just felt like it! SORRY!!! I have no claim upon the characters of Sai, Kento, Rowin, Sage, or Mia, nor do I control the lives of Buffy, Xander, Willow, Angel, Giles, or Cordelia. I've never been to Toyama OR Sunnydale. Or Hellmouth. Nor do I read Vogue. This is complete and utter fiction. Well, except for Martha Stewart. Unfortunately, this evil does exist, and we must use all of our powers to stamp it out like a smelly cigar. Thank you and good night.
Send any comments to Stef.