It was a typical day after school. A very typical day. TOO typical. Kento sat on the ground, leaning against the school's brick wall, looking around suspiciously. Something evil and scary is going to happen VERY soon, isn't it? Sure, I'm not usually the one who foresees things... but today is just too damn normal.
"He-lloooo?"
Kento snapped back to awareness. "Oh... huh?" Sai was gaping at him. "WHAT?!?!"
"You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?"
"Um... sorry, no. I was preoccupied."
Sai swivelled his head in the direction Kento'd been staring. "Okay, what were you looking at?"
"Nothing."
"Liar! Come on, there has to be something going on in that general direction to make you not pay attention to me, considering what I'd had to say."
"Why, what'd you say?"
Sai was still searching. "Come on, a group of cheerleaders..."
"What'd you say, man?"
"... a de-pantsing..."
"Sai! Really, am I that starved for entertainment?" Well... yeah, I am, but still...
Sai turned back to Kento. "There's nothing! No underwear up the flagpole, NOTHING! How under God could you have not heard me?"
"What... did... you... SAY?!?!?!"
Sai looked at him reproachfully. "I offered you the rest of my pudding."
His eyes widened. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Kento was close to bowing down before Sai in apologetic tears when he received a slightly angry look. "I'M SORRY!"
"Too late!" Sai slurped up the last spoonful of chocolate rather smugly.
"MAMA NOOOOO!!!" Kento slowly knocked his head against his binder a couple hundred times, then looked back up at Sai, slightly hurt. "You didn't even leave me a little bit of pudding-skin."
"Ugh." Sai shuddered. "Stupid crappy generic brands. I HATE pudding-skin."
"Yes, you HATE pudding-skin. But... I LOVE pudding-skin! It's the best part!"
"You're just a freak."
"You're mean." Kento hung his head sadly.
"Hey guys!" Rowin, Ryo, and Sage had returned from the soda machine.
"Hey," Sai said.
"Kill me," Kento whimpered.
Rowin raised an eyebrow, then looked at Sai. "Finished your pudding, hmm?"
"Right."
"Without the help of Kento, I take it," Sage added.
"Right again."
"And he's not taking it well."
"Mm-hmm." Sai looked at Kento, who was now sawing away at his wrists with Sai's used spoon. "EEWWWW! GIVE THAT BACK!"
"I don't want to LIVE without pudding!" Kento lamented as Sai snatched back his spoon.
"Well, I don't want to have to eat with a suicide spoon."
"Serves you right."
"You know," Ryo mused, "pudding is an awfully... funny-looking word."
"I KNOW!" Sage exclaimed.
"It's the freakiest," Rowin concurred.
"Puuud... diiing." Sai rolled the word around on his tongue. "You're right. Weird word."
"Seriously."
"I think it's beautiful," Kento sniffed. He cast his eyes skyward. "Almost... poetry."
"Oh, no." All four simultaneously lowered their heads and shuddered. "Here it comes..."
Kento was about to burst into yet another spout of snacktime poetry.
"BELOVED PUDDING!!!" he cried, causing everyone in the courtyard to turn in shock. "AN ODE TO THEE...."
"Save it for Literature, Kento." Sage grabbed him by the ear and pulled him down off of the table.
"Owwww!" Kento rubbed his aching ear. "You're such a... a..."
"Jerk?"
"Bonehead?"
"Ratass?"
"HEY!" Sage was indignant.
"KNAVE!"
They all looked at Kento oddly. "Knave?"
"Yes." He sniffed, as if very superior, and turned away. "Thou dost not appreciate the fine art of love poetry."
"Ode to Chocolate Pudding is love poetry?"
"NO!" Kento swivelled, turning on Rowin. "It was to be called, 'An Ode To Thee, My Most Revered of Sweet Portable Snacktime Treats.'"
"Oh. Hey, Kento, here's an idea. Howzabout you go and find some kid from the Poetry Club and make them... dig your crazy rhymes? They'd be more appreciative than us knaves."
"I shall depart at once!" Kento trotted off.
"Thank you, Rowin," the other three said, humbly.
"No problem."
This must have been that thing I was foreseeing! I knew it! My career as a poet is about to begin! Sweeeet.
Kento cleared his throat. "Excuse me, good sir."
The person in question, a black-haired goateed guy named Hal, but who went by the name of Meadow Lark In the Dew of the Morning (just Lark for short), turned and looked suspiciously at the guy who'd tapped him. "What?"
"Art thou one such person who doth fare from the Group of Poetic Devices?"
"Huh?"
Kento huffed, annoyed at having to go into civilian talk and get out of his oh-so-spiffy lack-of-pudding-induced Poetic Lingo. "I said, 'hey, are you in the Poetry Club?'"
"Oh. Um, yeah." Lark prepared himself for a beating. "Aim away from the face, please."
"Nay, good sir. I have no intentions or harming you, nor any inclinations of evil."
"Huh?"
"I'm not gonna hurt you."
"Oh. That's nice. In that case, what do you want?"
"Only to... create!" Kento was floating in little circles (still on the ground, literally, but he looked kinda floaty) of bliss, and Lark just looked at him oddly.
"To create. What, mashed potato sculptures? Sorry, that's Tuesdays."
"NO! Can't you, of strong intuition and rhythm, see it? Lyrical words are building up in my mind, struggling to break loose, and flow free beyond the solid dam of my reputation!" Kento struck a dramatic pose.
"Huh?"
He gave Lark a withering look. "I wanna do the poetry thing with y'all."
"Oh. Okay. We meet in the gym in ten minutes. Later." Lark strolled off.
"Ah, how sweet life is!" Kento floated away, past the other Ronins.
"Man, we have got to get that boy some pudding before he makes an ass of himself," Rowin said. "I mean, more than he already has."
"I know."
"Sai, this is all your fault," Ryo said, matter-of-factly. "Go home and get Kento some pudding."
"Yes, sir," Sai said, meekly, slinking off.
"AND A SPOON!" Sage added. Everyone turned to him questioningly. "What? I had to say something."
"Loudmouth."
"Shuddup."
Ten minutes later...
"Guys?"
Free-Flying Clouds in a Windswept Valley (Val), Shining Reflection of the Sun in the Mirror of the Sea (Sunny), and Single Perfect Rose Petal Floating in a Pool of Nectar (Rosie) turned to see Lark approaching.
"Hey, man, howzitgoin'?"
"Guys, we have a problem."
"Hmm?" Val arched an eyebrow in his traditional fashion, Sunny got a vacant, bubbly look, and Rosie didn't seem to care that much.
"You know Kento?"
"Scary guy with the headband-thingie goin' on?"
"Looks like he could eat a truckload of Twinkies in one sitting?"
"Then hurl the truck across the room like a bonehead jock?"
"Yeah, him." Lark sighed. "He wants to join us."
There was a dead pause. Then Rosie spoke up. "He wants to... what?"
"He says he's into poetry."
"Nah-uh."
"There's nothing to worry about," Sunny scolded. "He'll never show up."
"YOUR MENTOR AWAITS!" They all turned in one unison motion and jaws dropped to the floor. Kento stood, in black from head to toe. He had on a black turtleneck, black pants, black shoes and socks, and a black beret rested on his head. He was wearing a pair of cats-eye sunglasses low on his nose (also black). The crowning touch, though, was the small goatee that he'd drawn on with face paint. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?" he suggested, mincing up to the podium.
Val, Sunny, Lark, and Rosie pulled themselves together. "Um... hi," Sunny ventured.
"Yes, yes, yes, greet, greet, greet," Kento huffed. "Come on! Turn on the spotlight! Dim the house lights! WE'RE BURNING DAYLIGHT! Please! We're just sitting here while we could be CREATING! Come, come."
They all looked at him funny. "Are you ordering us around?" Rosie asked.
"You know, we're the veterans," Val said. "You're the newbie-guest-person."
"True, true." Kento sighed. "Then by all means, go first."
____
"Where the hell's Sai?"
"I dunno."
"Slow little...! Kento is making such an ass of himself."
Rowin, Sage, and Ryo were peeking through the open doors of the gym, watching Kento act... very un-Kento-like. Ryo pondered. "D'you think there's a medication for... whatever he has. Pudding-deprivation syndrome?"
"Other than pudding, I doubt it."
"Hmm."
____
Stupid pudding! Stupid Kento! Stupid me for finishing the aforementioned stupid pudding! Sai thought to himself as he panted down the street, running as fast as he could with a backpack, a science board from a biology presentation, and two untied shoes. I hope we have more pudding! I hope I hope I hope!
____
"And thus... with these final words...-"
"STOP STOP STOP!!!" Kento stood up and waved his arms, halting Rosie in mid-line. "You've got to put more... more FEELING into it!"
"What?!" Rosie had been making plenty of hand gestures during her depressing poem, and even had a few tears running down her face.
"I thought it was great," said Sunny, supportively.
"And that's why I'm the poetic genius of this group," Kento said defensively. "Let me show ya how it's done."
____
"Ohhhh, no," Sage muttered, hiding his eyes. Ryo elbowed his ribs and "ssh"ed him.
____
I've got the feeling we're in for some bad acting right about now, Val thought, sadly.
Kento hopped up onto the stage and in a flurry, pulled out about half a dozen fake red roses. Holding them up to the sky, he proclaimed:
"AN ODE TO THEE, SWEET PUDDING!!!"
"Pudding?" Lark whispered.
"I think that's what he said," Rosie whispered back, baffled.
"Maybe he said, um... Sweet Gooding."
"Oh, yeah! Hang on... Kento's got the hots for Cuba Gooding, Jr.?"
"NO! Well... wait a sec.... Let's all just hope he said pudding."
"SILENCE! I was nice for YOUR poetic travesty, so you be nice for my work of GENIUS!" Kento rolled his eyes at the 'typical mortals,' and began again.
"AN ODE TO THEE, SWEET PUDDING!"
He paused for a second, debating with himself, and then added, "A performance piece by the Kento, Master Poet."
"You're not supposed to say th-"
"QUUIIIIIIIET! Ahem.
"The breeze... through the trees... makes me sneeze."
"The hell-?"
"QUIET!
"Somebody says, 'bless you!' I say, please...
Give me some pudding."
"This is so-"
"SHUDDUP!
"Water... is wet... like milk...
Milk, this drink as smooth as silk...
Is found in pudding."
"At least he has rhythm."
Kento held the bunch of fake roses high into the air for a second and let out a huge fake sob. Then, he took them down and as he spoke, began pulling out the petals and tossing them around, one-by-one.
"Cold winds... blow through... the sky *petals*
Sorrow covers my world, and I cry... *petals*
I have no pudding." *sniffle*
"I sure do like pudding," Sunny said, thoughtfully.
"He's got a point."
"This is ground-breaking stuff," Val whispered, reverently.
"The world... may be lonely... and dark... *rest of the petals*
But like little wussies to a loan shark... *clenches the stems*
I'll find some pudding."
"The loan shark reference is... gold," Lark whispered, coveri ng his eyes and weeping.
"This Kento... a genius," said Rosie, falling to her knees and bowing down.
"Tasty and cool... smooth and sweet... *falls to his knees*
Even smells nice... not like feet... *picks up a handful of petals*
Gotta love that pudding." *tosses them into the air again*
Kento dropped his head to his knees for a second, then brought it back up to look at his audience. "That is the end."
The area was quiet for a moment, in stunned silence, but slowly, people began to speak.
"That was..."
"The worst poem..."
"I've ever heard." Ryo, Rowin, and Sage were all in agreement.
"The metaphors...!"
"The imagery...!"
"The staging...!"
"It was beautiful!" Sunny proclaimed, with the vehement agreement of her colleagues.
"Kento, you are a true poet," Rosie said, tears streaming down her face.
He patted her on the head. "Maybe someday... if you work really hard... you can be as good as I am naturally."
"I will, Sensei, I will!"
"Teach me, Kento!" Val ranted. "Please! I must know how you do it."
"You need a passion."
"Yes... yes! A passion for... pudding."
"Or whichever sweet, chocolatey treat you prefer."
As Kento soaked up his praise, Sai finally arrived, huffing and puffing madly. As he passed out next to the other Ronins, he gasped, "Pudd...ing!" and held out a paper bag. As Sage slapped Sai lightly to bring him around, Rowin dashed up to Kento.
"Kento, Kento!"
"What is it, KNAVE?!"
"Um... sorry about dissin' you earlier. In, uh... retribution, please accept this small token." (Note from Stef: Ever noticed? To-ken... Ken-to. Weird, no?)
"Ah, an offering to the shrine of Kento. You thank me well." He patted Rowin on the head, much to Rowin's dismay.
"No problem," Rowin said, through his teeth. Kento pulled out a spoon and container of Jell-o Pudding.
"AUGGH!!!! YES!!! PUDDING!!!!" Dropping the spoon haphazardly, Kento took the more direct approach. He stuffed the entire unopened container into his mouth.
"GROSS!!!!!" Rowin cried. After a few quick chews and gyrations of the jaw, Kento spit out the container... the peel-off lid still firmly in place, not a toothmark on it... and completely empty of pudding. It looked like someone had washed it free of all traces of chocolate, then resealed it. It was even completely dry!
"How... how did you..."
"Hey, Rowin. Wait a sec... how'd I get here? Weren't we over by the wall a minute ago?"
"Sorta. C'mon, we need to talk."
"'Kay."
"WAIT FOR US, MASTER!"
Kento halted in his tracks, and a large teardrop appeared at the back of his head. "Um... what?"
"Please! You promised! We are under your tutelage!"
"My what? Rowin, is that guy coming on to me?"
"No. That's what we need to talk about."
"Hey, and what's with my clothes? And... this?" Kento ran a hand over his chin and squinted at the black smudges on his fingers. "What happened?"
"Kento... you've had a long day." Rowin led him off, and the Poetry Club trailed silently.
"Kento..." Sai wheezed from the ground. "Why are they all following you?"
"I have no idea! Maybe if we're really quiet, they'll go away."
"NEVER, Master Kento."
"Stop calling me that! Freaky Poet-Girl."
"Don't shun us, Sensei. We love you!"
"GAH!" Kento ran away from the adoring group, but they kept up pretty well.
The Ronins watched them run off in a panic and laughed quietly. "Sai, will this teach you never deprive Kento of pudding ever again?"
"Yes," Sai said, humbly. "He can have the skin."
"EW!"
"That's what I said, but he seems to like it."
~* Epilogue *~
At about nine o'clock that night, Kento had changed into his p.j.'s and was getting ready for bed. As he brushed his teeth, he heard a quiet creaking sound coming from the closet. What the hell-? he wondered, and carefully opened it and peered inside.
"GAHH!" He spluttered toothpaste everywhere and fell backwards. In the closet, Val, Sunny, Rosie, and Lark sat like a totem pole, grinning at him.
"We thought that if we observed the Great Kento in his daily rituals that we could more accurately emulate his wonderful rhymes."
"I've got a rhyme for you," he said, muffled by the toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth. With dignity, he finished his teeth, put away his toothbrush, and then turned back to his expectant audience. "Once there was a big group of idiots, who were... were... um...."
"Finish the poem, Great Kento."
"OKAY! Uh, once there was a, no wait... there were a ton of... no... then had-"
The Poetry Club looked at him with shining admiration. "A great mind at work."
Kento was still struggling to find a rhyme for 'obsessive losers'. He took one more look at the adoring group, shuddered, and slammed the closet door. Jut for good measure, he locked it as well. "Once there were a bunch of idiots locked up in my bathroom closet. So there."
He shut off the light and left, closing the door behind him. There was silence in the dark.
At ten o'clock...
"Hey... that didn't rhyme at all!"
"It... wasn't even a poem! *sob, sob*"
"Has our master lost his touch?"
"Or have the students merely surpassed the teacher?"
"I knew it! We have finally taken on his skills!"
"I must write! Now!"
"I, too, have been struck by the muses!"
"NOW, ladies and gentlemen... NOW is the time to WRITE OUR MASTERPIECES!"
*pause* "Anybody got any paper?"
"A pen?"
"A desk?"
*pause* "I think we're in trouble."
"Mm-hmm."
**********
[We fade in to Kento sitting in a living room with a serious look on his face.]
Kento: "The fan-fic you've just read deals with my struggle with Pudding-Deprivation Syndrome, or P.D.S. My case was triumphant, but for many others, it is not. P.D.S. is a very serious problem, and nothing to joke around with. The character I played went through many stages of mental trauma, including the initial suicidal tendencies, the speaking in strange tongues, and finally... the uncontrollable poetic acts and delusions of grandeur. If you or someone you love, or somebody you only mildly dislike has a problem with Pudding-Deprivation Syndrome, please... get help. You can call support groups around your area, or write to the National Center for Confectionary Diseases. Or you can cure it yourself, at home, with a cup of pudding and a spoon. If you don't get help from us, then please... get help somewhere.
Sai (off stage): Yeah, guys. Take psychological advice from Kento. That'd be real smart.
Kento (hisses): Shut... up! (big phony smile, and we fade out.)
DISCLAIMER: No, there is NO such thing as pudding deprivation syndrome. If you think there is or think you may have contracted it, please contact your nearest asylum and commit yourself, cuz you've got some SERIOUS ISSUES, BABY!