"Ronin Deficiency"

By Kitiara Hashiba

Part 1: One Hundred Percent

Note: Baby, Squish, and Muffin, are Daius' 3 pet spiders (they're all about the size of a basketball). Big Tony is Anubis' mouse. It's a long story on how Stef and I came up with this... lots of ice cream was involved.

    "I just don't know, Anubis. I think the stripes would off set the sequins," Kayura commented on Anubis' latest design. Things were really boring in the NetherRealm, since Talpa was gone and peace was achieved. The one interesting thing that had happened was that Anubis could periodically possess a Netherworld soldier, so he came around quite a bit.

    Anubis nodded at the constructive criticism. Their peaceful discussion was interrupted by Sekhmet and Cale, running through the room with hockey sticks, slapping around a honeydew. Cale slapshotted the melon into an adjacent hall, where the game continued. Anubis and Kayura looked up at the proceedings. An obviously annoyed Daius sauntered after them shouting, "Breaking the melon is a two goal penalty! DUH!"

    Kayura shrugged. "Honeydew hockey. It must be Thursday."

    Anubis nodded, and pointed back at his design. "You see, Kay, the spaghetti straps would be made of the same material as the hair bow...."

    Daius walked swiftly back through the hallway, an annoyed "you-know-they-did-something-I-specifically-told-them-not-to-and-I'm-pissed" look.

    "Daius?" Anubis asked, afraid he would throw one of his tantrums.

    "Stupid bees..." Daius trailed off, mumbling little insults to himself. Sekhmet and Cale followed guiltily, honeydew bits splattered all over them.

    "What happened?" Kayura asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

    "We smashed the melon. You know that always gets him upset," Cale answered, looking at the ground.

    "Yeah. Apparently, we just 'killed' Maria," Sekhmet added.

    Kayura rolled her eyes. "I really wish he'd stop naming the food. Does he still have 'Florentina'? That zucchini was old and moldy... I think Baby, Squish, and Muffin nested there, or something."

    "Nah," Cale replied. "Now it's Florentina's daughter, Lizette. She's been around for a year, I think. It's really gettin' gross."

    Music blasted from Daius' room. It was purely harpsichord, and Daius' low tenor rose over it all. "Come, Lizette, Jean Marc, Francois, Suzie Q... let us mourn our beloved sister Maria... come Baby, Squish, Muffin, you too...."

    "Oh, boy, not again," Anubis growled.

    "You know, I think he's going through 'Ronin deficiency'. He's never been the same since, well, the whole Talpa-defeat-and-we-fly-away thing," Kayura said sympathetically.

    "Ya think!" Cale interjected. "He talks in his sleep, you know. Last night, he was torturing Kento again. That's the third time this week."

    Anubis continued to work on his sketch, adding details to the model's face. He drew until Sekhmet poked him. "Uh oh, 'Nubis. Looks like you're in the earliest stages of RD."

    Anubis looked at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? How do you mean?"

    Sekhmet pointed to the sketch. The model's hair was modelled obviously after Sage's... with the flip and everything.

    "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE RIGHT! I'M GONNA END UP LIKE MELON BOY! Maybe I'll start raising mutated corn to feed Big Tony..."

    "Stop it, Anubis, you're scaring me."

    "Sorry, Kay."

    "Anyway, I think we'll all contract RD sometime. There has to be a cure," she added thoughtfully.

    There was a long moment of silence, the only sound being Daius' eulogy. Kayura was the first to speak. Her eyes flashed with mischief.

    "I have an idea."

***

    "Oh where is my hairbrush?" Sage moaned, bringing his head out from under his bed. His usually perfect hair was a floofy blond mass of tangle. The first thought that came to his head when he discovered his hairbrush missing from its usual place on his dresser was that if the guys saw him like this, he'd never live it down. No one, not even Rowin, knew of his continual struggle for good hair. The aforementioned hairbrush was an integral part of his struggle, a key tool in the long process of styling.

    A knock came at his bedroom door.

   Sage glanced wildly over to Rowin's sleeping form in the bed opposite his. Nope. He wasn't awake. Rowin, with whom he had shared rooms with since the first time he had stayed in Mia's mansion, was still sound asleep, snoring softly. Sage knelt back down, plunging his head back under his bed. "Yes?" came his muffled answer.

    "Hey Sage! It's Kento!"

    *Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap,* Sage thought, feeling around in the darkness under his bed for some form of hat.

    "Hold on a sec!" Sage shouted back, smiling to himself as his had closed around a bandanna. Pulling it into the light, he recognized it. A green bandanna that he had gotten for Christmas from Rowin. *Thank you, Bandanna-Man!* Sage thought in tribute to Rowin. Sage futily tried to run a hand through his tangle, then gave up, flattening the blond mess menacingly with the bandanna.

    "SAGE!"

    "Hold up, Kento!" Sage slid over to a mirror, nodding in triumph as the bandanna covered and flattened his hair. He tied the bandanna's ends neatly into a knot. The green cloth gave him the appearance of a pirate.

    Without warning, Kento burst into Sage's and Rowin's room as the frantic flirt tucked a stray wisp under his bandanna. "Hey Sage, I was-- whoa! Argh, me maties. Hoist the sails, weigh anchor!"

    Sage gave Kento a severe look. "Shut up."

    Kento put up his hands in mock defense. "Geez! Bite my head off! I was just coming to return your hairbrush." Kento handed the brush over to Sage, unprepared for the reaction.

    "KENTO! WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY BRUSH!?"

    "I used it. So what?"

    "'So what'?!?!?!" Sage's anger turned to wistfulness. "Its beautiful bristles... each perfectly aligned, tipped with colored plastic... RUINED! It's black, sleek design... it's clean appearance that set it above the rest... RUINED!"

    The hairbrush looked mangled. Half of the bristles were crushed to the right, and most were missing those little plastic pieces that keep the brush from tearing the hell out of the user's scalp. It was also completely covered in ash-blue hair.

    "So get another brush," Kento remarked, not seeing Sage's anguish.

    "ANOTHER BRUSH?!"

    "What? It's not like you need it, Mr. Perfect Hair!"

    Sage's eyes widened. "What did you say...?" Menace creeped into Sage's distraught tone.

    "I said 'Perfect Hair'. We all know you don't have to do anything to your hair in the morning. It's always there, being perfect."

    Sage breathed heavily, not unlike a bull about to charge at a matador who made him run into the arena walls. "Kento... you have two seconds."

    Kento was still totally oblivious. "Till what, Sage? I'm sorry but... no comprendo."

    Sage took a deep breath, as if calming down. He took a breath and shouted at the top of his lungs, "'NO COMPRENDO'!? I'LL SHOW YOU 'NO COMPRENDO'!!! TWO SECONDS UNTIL I RIP YOU HEAD OFF! PREPARE TO DIE, KENTO! THIS IS FOR MY HAIRBRUSH! ONE..."

    Kento at first thought it was a joke. But he wasn't stupid. He took one look at Sage's face and knew that he'd better make the most of the two seconds. Kento ran.

    "TWO!"

    Sage plowed after him, catching up quickly. Sage mercilessly pummeled Kento with a barrage of punches. The attack finally ended as Kento sailed down the stairs, in a traditional "Ranma-after-getting-Akane-mad-so-my-hands-are-up-with-my-middle-finger-thumb-and-ring-finger-are-down-on-a-one-way-trip-to-unconsiousness" pose.

    Sage stood, breathing heavily at the top of the stairs, shaking out his hand. "That was for my hairbrush."

~*~

As Kento calls Sage "Mr. Perfect Hair"...

~*~

    Cale laughed evilly. "This is gonna be good."

    Sekhmet nodded, a very snake-like grin distorting his face. "They'll never know what hit 'em."

    The three Warlords, Anubis, and Kayura were huddled around a large, black iron cauldron, quite reminiscent of those a witch would use. Kayura smiled. "Just remember who came up with the idea." She threw some nondescript herb into the cauldron, causing its already bubbling contents to boil more rapidly. "Well, Anubis?"

    Anubis leaned a little closer to the mixture, cautious not to touch the dark violet liquid. He sniffed at it, then said, "More paprika."

    Daius tossed the Warlord-turned-monk the small bottle of paprika, and Anubis tapped some in, the orange powder eliciting sparks from the cauldron. He sniffed again, then said to Daius, "Pepper. Lots of it. And some zucchini."

    Daius' eyes widened. "Not... Lizette? You can't be..."

    Sekhmet, Cale, Kayura, and Anubis nodded in unison. Daius pouted. "Are you absolutely sure this will work? They'll be--"

    Cale rolled his eyes and growled, the sound very similar to that of a wolf. "Yes, Spider-chan, the spell'll work... if we have that zucchini."

    Daius scowled at his reference as "Spider-chan", and nodded slightly. "After this whole spell deal, I'm gonna kick your ass, Cale."

    Cale laughed. "I'd like to see you try, Spider-chan."

    Cale was instantly taken down by the large container of pepper chucked at him by Daius, who had since gone to get Lizette. Soon after, he said goodbye to the extremely large zucchini and dropped it into the cauldron, in sync with Sekhmet who poured in a large amount of pepper. The contents of the cauldron turned a fluorescent orange, and Anubis and Kayura started to chant. The three Warlords looked on solemnly.

What once was is not the same

Ryo of the Wildfire

Sage of the Halo

Rowin of Strata

Sai of the Torrent

Kento of Hardrock

Different by nature, minds turned away

Physically opposite, sleep then astray.

    Anubis', Sekhmet's, Cale's, and Daius' kanjis lit their foreheads, beams of light shooting into the mixture. Kayura chanted more, this time in an old forgotten language. The concotion flared briefly then faded into ashes, some of which Kayura carefully swept into a jar. The Warlords' and Anubis' kanjis disappeared.

    "Now what?" Daius asked staring at the cauldron.

    "The spell has to take effect. It won't be long."

~*~

    Tears filled Sage's eyes. He was filled with the urge to flounce off to his room and sob. His voice took on a very... feminine quality. "You... are a... HORRIBLE person! You hurt my feelings!" He twirled to flounce, then caught himself. Sage cleared his throat. "Whoa," he said, his voice back to normal. "Talk about weird."

    Taken by an unaccountable urge to wake Rowin up, Sage walked quickly back to his room.

    "Rowin! Rowin, wake up!"

    "Unh..."

    "Wake up!"

    "Go 'way..."

    "Dammit, Rowin, get your lazy ass out of bed! Are we, or are we not, going to..." Sage took a breath. Instead of saying what he originally intended to say, "going to the dojo to practice," he said something completely un-Sage-like. "...go shopping?"

    Rowin snapped awake. "What was that?"

    "I said are we gonna go to Dad's dojo and practice or not?"

    "No, you didn't."

    "Yes, I did."

    "No, you didn't."

    "Yes, I did."

    "No, you said, 'are we or are we not going shopping'."

    Sage scoffed. "What? Why would I say something like that?"

    Rowin shrugged, running a hand through his disheveled hair. "Beats me. Maybe it's your time of the month."

    Sage did a double take. "What?"

    "I said, 'maybe you need more sleep'. What of it?"

    "No, you didn't."

    "Yes, I did."

   "No, you didn't. You made the insinuation that I..."

    "That you what?"

    "That I had... cycles."

    Rowin arched an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

    "I don't know. Ever since I slugged Kento, I've been feeling weird."

    "Get some sleep, girl."

    "What?"

    "I said, 'get some sleep, Sage.'"

    "No, you didn't."

    "Yes, I... nevermind. I'm going back to sleep."

    Sage was already slipping back into dreamland. He walked over to his bed and flopped onto it. "Sleep good..."

~*~

Back in the NetherWorld...

~*~

    Daius, Sekhmet, and Cale were jumping around excitedly, asking Anubis and Kayura the same question over and over.

    "Has it worked yet?"

    "No."

    "Has it worked yet?"

    "No."

    "Has it worked yet?"

    "No."

    "Has it worked yet?"

    Anubis stood up, bringing hope to the Warlords' eyes. "I guess we could check on the Ronins..."

    Cale rejoiced. "YES!"

    "...in an HOUR! HEAR ME!? TO YOUR ROOMS, NOW!!!"

~*~

Half an hour later...

~*~

    Sage woke up.

    He stretched.

    He looked at the clock. It read 10:00 AM.

    He trudged downstairs, stepping over Kento's unconscious body, noticing that no one else was up yet.

    He made himself some coffee.

    He poured himself some coffee.

    He drank the aforementioned coffee.

    He climbed back up the stairs.

    He went into the bathroom to take a shower.

    He took off his shirt.

    He screamed, a loud, shrill, high-pitched scream.

~*~

    Kento woke up to a scream. He bounded up the stairs and threw open the door, only to be greeted with the sight of a girl wearing Sage's boxers, and nothing else. He quickly averted his eyes and asked, "Who're you?" Kento was puzzled why his voice sounded so different. He decided it because he had just woken up. The girl quickly snatched a green towel and wrapped it around her chest. She didn't respond, obviously in shock from something. "Are you okay?"

    The girl shook her head, her short, wavy blond hair swishing slightly in its state of tangle. She was shivering. "I-I..."

    "What's your name?"

    "It's Sage... Sage Date."

    Kento arched an eyebrow at the girl. "Sorry, Sage is a guy. He's one of my buds. Do you need a doctor or something?" The pitch of his voice was really starting to bug Kento.

    "I am Sage. Who are you?"

    "My name is Kento--"

    The girl burst out laughing. "You? You're Kento? Kento Rei Fuan?"

    Kento nodded. The girl who said she was Sage laughed harder. "What of it? This is my house, you know. You're trespassing."

    The Sage-girl couldn't stop laughing. Another presence burst into the bathroom, probably drawn there due to the commotion between "Sage" and "Kento". It was a young woman, looking very irritated. "WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT UP!? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! IT'S NOT YET TWO IN THE AFTERNOON, SO I SHOULD BE SLEEPING SOUNDLY, NOT LISTENING TO YOU TWO BANSHEES ARGUING WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE YOU!!!" Spiky blue hair, ruffled with sleep, was the last thing either "Kento" or "Sage" saw of the annoyed woman, who had returned to a room across the hall and slammed the door shut.

    The two girls said something at the same time.

    "Kento": Where'd all these chicks come from?

    "Sage": What was that girl doing going into my room?

    "Kento" and "Sage" looked at each other. Again, talking at the same time.

   "Kento": Your room?

    "Sage": You're a girl too, y'know.

    "Kento" looked at "Sage" incredulously. "Me? Kento 'Chick-Magnet' Rei Faun, a girl? You've got the wrong guy, lady. I am one hundred..." 'Kento' noticed her chest. "...percent..." She realized why her voice was so high-pitched. Tears filled her eyes as she sank to the ground in utter misery. "...female."